Ex girlfriend and new partner, please advise!

[Difficultsitch]

The relationship with my DH ex girlfriend and him is strained . They have a DD of 6. A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house with my DH DD which is fine but the ex is refusing to let DH know anything about him . Where does he stand?
Please help if you can .

olive who are you thanking? It's difficult to follow who you are referring to when there is several posters in a conversation

NeedsAsockamnesty

Granted this is due to his refusal to react appropreatly to a previous known risk.

And this is entirely appropriate. As we've said to OP all along, if you think a risk is possible then report.

I think that without good cause it is strange for the mother to deny him the chance to know who his daughter is around.
I don’t know if there is good cause or not, I’m just speculating why wouldn’t you?

I was thanking notreallyarsed

Notreallyarsed
I think that without good cause it is strange for the mother to deny him the chance to know who his daughter is around.
I don’t know if there is good cause or not, I’m just speculating why wouldn’t you?

Lord knows, would make everyones life easier in my opinion, but I spose we don't really know what their relationship was like and can only base around our own maybe?

Like I say, my ex didn't give me his address or partners name for some months. Wasn't nice, just had to deal with it. Still never been in their house at all.

Yet they come here, and I make them coffee and sandwiches.

Nowt so strange as folk as they say.

See I’m not sure, because from your posts it sounds like you ‘only want his name’ to stalk him on social media/linked in etc with which isn’t your god given right.

Realistically how much will you even find out? No one has ‘abuser’ as their Facebook occupation. Any ‘dirt’ wouldn’t be found via google - you won’t find out his potential criminal record

However if you have real safe guarding concerns, ie you have heard/know things about him being abusive/inappropriate around children and think your daughter is in danger then that’s a different issue - that you can contact social services or the police about

Otherwise, I think your husband SHOULD meet him in person over dinner - if this is a new long standing partner who will be a regular occurrence in the daughter’s life then they should meet. He should know who’s staying in the house with his daughter. I would also say that he shouldn’t sleep over at the ex’s when the daughter is there until they are serious and have been together a while - just the regular introducing a new partner to your child guidelines on the ex’s behalf.

I just don't agree that dad has no rights because there are laws in place that contradict this

olive Do you have links to the cases you mentioned? I'm genuinely interested to read them

Whilst the statistics are against this fellow being an abuser , he does fall into a risky category . so I don't think it's completely witch hunt to want to know who he is and his name

It could be that it's early days and she doesn't feel confident enough to want to introduce him as her partner just yet

OP I personally think you and your DH are not being unreasonable to want to know who this person is. He is an adult male sleeping in the same house as his DD; no doubt his parental instincts bristle, even though this guy might be perfectly lovely. He could also potentially be a significant person in her life going forwards if his relationship with her mother continues.

As others have pointed out, he has no legal right to know. But just quoting the law here isn't what you're after. You're after an understanding of a level of reasonableness, and in this case I feel that now the relationship seems to have progressed to the "introduced to children/sleeping over" stage, it's entirely reasonable to want to at least know who he is. Especially since in the exact scenario reversed, you (despite not being legally required to) granted her the same openness and respect.

When it comes down to it, it is best for his DD if all the significant adults in her life are open and civil with each other so maybe the way forward is to work on improving your (you and DH) relationship with his ex so that communication is easier and more open. Easier said than done, I appreciate, but if you're after collaboration from her then a better relationship is really key.

Ian Huntley

olive no there isn't.

Aye my XH was difficult around me meeting his girlfriends, he was probably worried I’d tell them he’s a violent evil bastard. I just wanted to know who my young and vulnerable (he has autism) son was going to be around and make sure they understood him.
Thankfully his current SM is lovely and was really approachable from the get go which I actually really appreciated and respected.

olive Ian Huntley wasn't a step father. He wouldn't have been in that job had it been know what his history was but it's not similar to this at all.

How many sex offenders offend again ?

Is a ridiculous question

Olivetappas
I just don't agree that dad has no rights because there are laws in place that contradict this

Nobody has said 'Dads have no rights'.

olive whose question is ridiculous? And who said sex offenders DONT repeat?

Yes but Ian Huntley was a care taker in the company of children

Do u see how the law would of been beneficial

Did I say it wasn't beneficial? I feel like I'm losing my mind here lol

I mentioned Ian Huntley as if a parent had raised concerns they would have been able to submit a Sarah’s Law request.
I just think all this is becoming an argument when in actual fact, unless the Mum in this case has a reason that we don’t know about, it’s all ridiculous.

Olivetappas
Yes but Ian Huntley was a care taker in the company of children

Do u see how the law would of been beneficial

Olive I hate to say it but you seem to have lost the point of the thread.

No-one will argue with you that people employed to look after children, should be vetted.

Its completely irrelevant to the OP's question though.

If dad has concerns then he knows what he can do

Lost the point of the thread did u not ask me to back up my claim

Olivetappas
If dad has concerns then he knows what he can do

But OP has already said they're not questioning the mothers parenting ability. We all suggested raising it with SS if they had concerns. Other than that there isn't much available. All back to where we started,

olive Because I wrongly thought you were referring to cases where a new partner had killed a child and where they had convictions for child sex offences. And had the other parent checked them using Sarah's Law then it might have been prevented.