To really not want daughters?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH and I will be starting TTC soon, and have been talking about how we’d raise our children. And as we’ve discussed it, I’ve begun to realise that I really don’t want to have any girls.

Don’t get me wrong, I think having a daughter is in itself a wonderful thing. It’s more an issue of the world I would be raising a daughter in.

You’ve got trans rights activists erasing women everywhere you turn- women’s spaces being opened to anyone who calls themselves a woman, a 19 year old male is now a CLP Women’s officer, guidance in Scotland being issued saying if a student isn’t comfortable sharing a changing room with a trans pupil they should change somewhere else (obviously I know that would apply to boys too).

Sexual harassment and assault fucking everywhere. I’ve genuinely lost count of the number of times I’ve been grabbed, groped or catcalled. I know more women who’ve had some sort of encounter of that kind than haven’t. And of course, the victim blaming and slut shaming that occurs around it.

Those are just a few examples.

The more I think about it, the less I feel like I’d happy to bring a girl up in such a deeply misogynistic society. I just don’t see it getting any better. If anything, it’s getting worse.

AIBU?

I'd rather be raising my daughters now in the UK than at absolutely any other time in history. Just over 100 years ago they'd be running in and out of dangerous machinery in a cotton mill or going into service and be completely dependent on a man for finances. Get some perspective.

*My mother said she wanted boys.

And to think I'd spent a lifetime wondering why we weren't close, assuming there was something fundamentally unlovable about me.*

Me too Janet: I was well into my twenties before I realised the problem wasn’t with me.

And my mother’s reasons were quite different from the OP’s - the opposite in fact!

Reading the whole op I can see what you mean, but I really think you should/could have phrased it better.

Eg. Aibu to worry for my potential daughter's future

I have 3 girls and your title/wording really grated on me. I love having girls, because that's what I've got. I'm sure I'd be the same about boys.

I'd rather be raising my daughters now in the UK than at absolutely any other time in history.

As would I. However that does not mean that I can't also be concerned with the fact that we are still not quite there yet and that women and girls face a lot of challenges than men and boys simply don't.

My mother said she wanted boys.

And to think I'd spent a lifetime wondering why we weren't close, assuming there was something fundamentally unlovable about me.

I am not the same as your mother, and I certainly wouldn’t love a daughter less because she’s a girl.

Blimey don't have a boy either, he's bound to turn into a rapist or serial killer. Perhaps you'd be better off with a puppy?

Your daughters might be the ones to lead us cheerfully out of the mire!

I'm with PleaseDon'tGoad - there have been worse times to be a woman and there are worse places to be one now.

I have two sons - 29 and 42. I wanted to have a girl but I’m very happy to have raised men. You get to tell them how to treat women and all that.

I still have a little water colour picture of the little girl I thought I’d have though...

But you can’t exactly teach a daughter how not to be an assault/rape victim can you?

Some of the comments on this thread are just bizarre tbh. How exactly do people think that raising their daughters to be strong, independent and able to stand up for themselves will stop her from being raped or assaulted if a man decides that's what he is going to do? How exactly does that work? People do realise that men are bigger and stronger than women, right?

Saying "oh my daughter will be okay because I raised her not to take any shit" also smacks of victim blaming. What about women and girls who (for whatever reason) are unable to stand up for themselves? It reminds me of people who tell kids who are being bullied to just stand up for themselves and then the bullies will stop. Because of course that's exactly how it works right

Blimey don't have a boy either, he's bound to turn into a rapist or serial killer

Bloody hell, you don't like men very much, do you?

To be honest, I’d maybe recommend a bit of therapy for you. To think about what it is about your own experiences that you anticipate your hypothetical daughter going through, that you so want to protect her from.

This is a joke. Please tell me this is a joke.

No it’s not a joke. Why would it be a joke? Should I expand? I don’t think you’ve understood what I was saying if you would think it was a joke.

Transactivists are campaigning for the rights of a minority group.

So when transactivists send rape and death threats to women it's okay because they're just trying to protect a minority group?

And should I have girls of course I will love them and do my very best to raise them and equip them to navigate the world around them successfully.

TBH, I can't see why doing this would be more challenging than raising sons to not be entitled misogynists who regard women as lesser beings, given that so many have clearly failed to do so already.

Just because things are better now for women than they used to be, doesn’t mean they’re great.

Blimey don't have a boy either, he's bound to turn into a rapist or serial killer. Perhaps you'd be better off with a puppy?

That’s just a fucking stupid comment.

PleaseDontGoadTheToad exactly. Some people in this thread like SpareASquare with her super helpful I have girls. And I have boys. Raised them all without your brand of hysteria. Girls are confident and happy and well able to deal with any shade of misogyny thrown their way. comment seem to think that their daughters’ confidence will act as some magical force field preventing such things from ever happening to them. Whilst simultaneously calling me hysterical for being realistic about it.

Pannacott I don’t need a fucking therapist to explain to me why my experiences of sexual assault would make me want to protect a daughter from experiencing the same thing. Your suggestion is offensive.

@tombstoneteeth

raven - I did NOT say that he hit her. Read what I wrote. He didn't. She bit him and drew blood, and punched him. He walked away. She pushed him TO THE LIMIT by the biting. Care to apologise for the comment?

No I bloody well will NOT apologise.

You said naff-all about your son's wife biting him and drawing blood, and then PUNCHING him - and him walking away. You are drip feeding and adding stuff now, because you've been called out.

You said 'she pushed him to the limit to show violence towards her'

You said nothing about her being violent - and him walking away (supposedly,) until I and several others pulled you up on what you said, and now you have completely changed your story. Why should anyone believe your second version of events? You would have said this in the first place if it had been true.

I repeat, I hope your son - and you - are ashamed of yourselves.

You clearly have a lot of bitterness. I'd politely suggest you do something to deal with your issues before thinking of trying to bring a child into the world. You child is just as likely to be a girl as a boy.

I didn't want daughters either. By 4 weeks pregnant I had a 'feeling' she was a girl, she was. I don't know what I'd do with a boy now, I love having a girl.

People seem to want it both ways but the fact is, they can't have it both ways.

We can't constantly tell girls and women that they shouldn't be out alone at night, that they shouldn't get too drunk, that they shouldn't put themselves in risky situations and that they need to keep themselves safe whilst also telling them that they are hysterical for wanting to talk about the dangers and the risks.

Even on here there have been countless posts about teaching girls and young women to look out for themselves; to not dress a certain way or avoid doing certain things because these things make you more vulnerable to harassment and assault. Nine times out of ten people agree and agree that this is sensible advice. Yet on the other hand whenever someone dares to voice that there are men out there who hurt women people go absolutely ballistic and the cries of "not all men are like that you man hating feminazi!" and their variations start.

So we're allowed to tell women to be wary and to keep themselves safe but we're not allowed to address why women need to do these things in the first place. God forbid anyone does try and talk about why women need to do these things or feel the need to do them because obviously that means they're a man hating feminazi who thinks men are all out to get them and doesn't give a shit about male victims

Boys are more likely to try and keep up with risk taking behaviour and gets stabbed in a street fight. Young male reckless drivers often kill their girl friends. Depression in young males is a serious issue.
Its simplistic to think boys have it easier.

Depression in young males is a serious issue.

Depression is a serious issue for everyone, not just young males.

Men have access to the same help and support as women do. Nobody is trying to prevent men specifically from accessing support. The problem is that men are less likely to seek help but depression is no more serious or important just because it's a man suffering from it.

Suicide attempts between men and women tends to be equal. It's just that men are more likely to be successful in their suicide attempts because they opt for more lethal methods, e.g jumping from heights as opposed to overdosing.

I think mental health support in this country is poor in general but that's a whole other thread.

OP I have not read all the posts but just wanted to say my dd is a feisty, furious, (pain in the arse) teen and she will change the world for the better.

And Rarotonga is right "You have no say in it...you get what you are given!" Unless you have complex and expensive fertility treatment to erase the chance of having a girl, which would (IMHO) be a really bad idea if you are a feminist.

formerbabe says plagued with worry either way, or words to that affect and I agree... BUT....
Boy or girl, girl or boy, you can bring them up to be fabulous. They can change the world for the better if you give them a god start.

good start

I have a DS currently expecting a DD.

She will have my genes and my support, she'll be fine.