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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not want daughters?

300 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 20/11/2017 20:09

DH and I will be starting TTC soon, and have been talking about how we’d raise our children. And as we’ve discussed it, I’ve begun to realise that I really don’t want to have any girls.

Don’t get me wrong, I think having a daughter is in itself a wonderful thing. It’s more an issue of the world I would be raising a daughter in.

You’ve got trans rights activists erasing women everywhere you turn- women’s spaces being opened to anyone who calls themselves a woman, a 19 year old male is now a CLP Women’s officer, guidance in Scotland being issued saying if a student isn’t comfortable sharing a changing room with a trans pupil they should change somewhere else (obviously I know that would apply to boys too).

Sexual harassment and assault fucking everywhere. I’ve genuinely lost count of the number of times I’ve been grabbed, groped or catcalled. I know more women who’ve had some sort of encounter of that kind than haven’t. And of course, the victim blaming and slut shaming that occurs around it.

Those are just a few examples.

The more I think about it, the less I feel like I’d happy to bring a girl up in such a deeply misogynistic society. I just don’t see it getting any better. If anything, it’s getting worse.

AIBU?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 21/11/2017 09:27

Yes all girls are whiny and unaffectionate - every last one Hmm

MerlinsLeftButtock · 21/11/2017 09:33

I’m currently expecting a girl, and I completely get you. She is my second, my first being a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I worry for him too. But I am so worried for my daughter. Not only is there all the things you’ve mentioned, but being a girl is also hard because of other girls. We can all be so unkind to each other. Other girls, especially in secondary schools, can be so spiteful. I guess I just have to try my best to teach her kindness, and that she is more than her physical appearance. I dunno ... I just worry for her. I worry for all the young girls these days, drawing their faces on.

maddiemookins16mum · 21/11/2017 09:36

I really secretly wanted a daughter, she's 13 now. She'll face many challenges and difficulties, but then so would a son had I had one.
I think being a female is a truly wonderful thing in so many ways.

Cutesbabasmummy · 21/11/2017 09:37

My DH and I wanted a girl. We had a little boy. He was an ivf baby. We couldn't' love him more than we do. I worry all the time about him and what he might encounter in life. But we are trying to bring him up to have manners and consideration (He is not yet three so at the moment it's tough!). You do end up with what you get gender wise and I'm sure you would love a little girl. If you do have a boy - don't be surprised when you worry all the time about him. It's parenthood.

vestedintern · 21/11/2017 09:38

"Yes, men and boys can be sexually harassed and assaulted but it’s far far more common for it to happen to women and girls."

When it comes to the ultimate assault, men are twice as likely to be murdered as women, though both are less likely to be murdered than 20 years ago. Perhaps the OP shouldn't have a son either?

theaveragewife · 21/11/2017 10:02

Where are you getting your stats from vested? The ONS reported 64% of murder victims are male, so actually that's not correct at all. 98% of sexual assault victims are female, however.

I understand your point OP but I'm happy to have girls, and bring them up to be aware of the shitstorm of the past, and see that we still have to fight to take (and keep) our places in this world. Eyes wide open!!! The most important thing I am trying to teach them is that they need to be truly financially independent, not being so causes so many of the imbalances and leads to the hierarchical power structure being governed by men.

theaveragewife · 21/11/2017 10:13

And when it comes to worrying about sexual violence, it's good to look around and see these men in power being called out. It's making a statement which will hopefully go a long way to reducing this kind of crime.

I heard a woman's hour podcast a couple of weeks age where two women were talking about their initiative of going into schools to teach age-appropriate consent classes. I do believe things are changing and if we get behind these ideas it will continue to change for the better, and improve the lives of all children - boy or girl.

theaveragewife · 21/11/2017 10:16

These are the women - the rap project.

BitchQueen90 · 21/11/2017 10:19

I have a boy and he will likely be my only. I never wanted daughters for a variety of reasons.

corythatwas · 21/11/2017 10:30

I have a daughter who has been groped and in other ways exposed to sexual harassment.

And a son who was knocked down and had his head stomped on, aged 15, for merely walking down the street. And who only the other week had a knife drawn on him for no other crime for supposedly "looking at me funny".

Do I regret bringing either of them into the world? No, I do not. I do realise that this is a dangerous and violent world. I knew that before they were conceived. But I also believe that they both find life interesting, if sometimes painful, and worth living.

Anyone who conceives a child thinking that they will be able to give them a happy life with no fear is living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Anyone who says to themselves "I will do what I can to make this a better world and I will try to raise my children to do the same" is on the right track.

Which is why the current focus on sexual harassment is so absolutely right. Finally, people are doing something.

SummerTimeSoon · 21/11/2017 11:57

Very pleased I have 2 boys mainly because I don’t deal with whiny girls very well and they are more affectionate so I’ve been told.

Omg Ffs, a woman started a thread about her worries around raising a daughter and people have leaped on using it as an opportunity to bash girls?
And because op has concerns for women/girls it's appropriate for poster after poster to come along and list how difficult men have it too?

SylviaPoe · 21/11/2017 12:03

I am very worried for young women now. The state of maternity services scares me.

It does not seem like a good time to be a woman.

MrsJayy · 21/11/2017 12:12

I can't imagine 100 years ago maternity services were great. If a woman survived her childbirth then you had infant mortality to deal with then if your infant died you were expected to get on with it and just have another usually without consultation as your husband had rights . I think it isa fine time to be a young woman these days

Mamabear4180 · 21/11/2017 12:16

I have 3 girls and don't give any of what you just said a second thought. I'm sure there's way too much scare mongering in the media but it's not that bad. It's certainly not everywhere you turn OP.

Mamabear4180 · 21/11/2017 12:18

Very pleased I have 2 boys mainly because I don’t deal with whiny girls very well and they are more affectionate so I’ve been told.

What you've been told is bollocks.

HRTpatch · 21/11/2017 12:34

Some people worry a hell of a lot

Bumbledumb · 21/11/2017 13:06

Where are you getting your stats from vested? The ONS reported 64% of murder victims are male, so actually that's not correct at all.

Quite probably from here

There were 9.9 offences of homicide per million population, and the homicide rate for males (13.8 per million population) was more than twice that for females (6.0 per million population).
ONS Feb 2017

YoloSwaggins · 21/11/2017 13:39

Its no wonder that people take the piss out of MN.Privileged women hand wringing over bringing a baby girl into a sheltered, privileged, comfortable world. Get a grip

Agree.

Of the top 20 things I can think of to worry about (house prices, rail prices, jobs, all-out nuclear war, global warming, ISIS, NHS going down the shitter) none of them are related to being a woman. Literally none. We live in one of the most developed countries in the world with a high standard of living - you are making it sound like Saudi Arabia.

If you are genuinely concerned (like the PP who says she "stays up all night worrying" that transactivists will take her daughter's freedoms away), then maybe counselling is a good idea. Of all the concerns I have, a man in a wig using a womens toilet isn't really up there if I'm honest.

Lancelottie · 21/11/2017 13:57

I don't fret much about being female, Yolo, but do you walk down dark streets and through deserted carparks with a merry, carefree whistle, pondering global warming?

YoloSwaggins · 21/11/2017 14:01

but do you walk down dark streets and through deserted carparks with a merry, carefree whistle, pondering global warming?

To be honest, yes.

I walk home alone at all hours of the night and always have done. Then again, I cross roads when cars are coming too.

YoloSwaggins · 21/11/2017 14:02

Sorry that I don't feel in perpetual danger just because I'm a woman. I just don't and never have.

MrsJayy · 21/11/2017 14:06

I have also walked outside alone in the dark I don't see why i should stay in

HRTpatch · 21/11/2017 14:10

Same here yolo
And I live in London.

Coconutspongexo · 21/11/2017 14:12

Well it’s worse to be a lad in Liverpool atm - males constantly being stabbed to death or attacked.

It doesn’t make me wish my son was a daughter.

You have no say in what you get though so it doesn’t really matter so yes YABU for that.

scottishdiem · 21/11/2017 14:16

My DP and I don't want kids so this answer doesn't mean much.

Clearly having a girl is different from having a boy but it is how both are raised to deal with the world/treat other people that is important and how to cope with the societal pressures thrown at them as opposed to hiding from them.