DNiece won't let me look after DNephew because of Dog

[namechangedaunt]

Name changed as this is outing.

My niece is due to go back to work in 4 weeks after 8 months mat leave. I offered to look after her DS 3 days a week and she is paying me (not a massive amount- £450 a month so cheaper than a nursery).

A friend of a friend has recently been made homeless and needed their dog looking after for around 6 months (until they are housed). I offered and the dog has been with us for a week now. Dniece has met the dog and hasn’t seemed to have a problem. This morning I received the following email:

“Dear Auntie X,

Sorry to send this by email but I don’t want it to be awkward face to face.

I have found DS a nursery place from mid-December. Please don’t take it personally but we just don’t feel comfortable with Dog being around DS on a daily basis and think it would be best.

DS and Dog will have to be kept apart which isn’t fair on either of them- DS is at an age when he needs to be on the floor learning to play and crawl and stand; we would feel uneasy about him being left with Dog and it’s not feasible you can watch a baby every minute you’re looking after them. We’ve seen Dog display domineering behaviour (the mouthing, barking and growling) and think he’s got a way to go with his training yet.

We also feel that Dog’s barking, and you shouting at the barking, will create an atmosphere for DS that we’re not OK with.

I hope we can talk about it soon. Love you.

DNiece”

Dog is still a pup- just over 1- and I plan to train and discipline him while he’s with us. I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with him at all. He is naughty- he’s not had any boundaries and does bark (loudly) if ignored or left alone- but he’s not aggressive.

I think DNiece is being unfair; she also knows I was relying on the money she will pay me. She also has a dog at home.

What do I reply!?

@namechangedaunt

I can't believe you even need to ask! Of course YABU, and your niece is absolutely doing the right thing in refusing to let you look after her baby. No way would I have my baby looked after by a relative who was looking after someone else's dog. (Wouldn't be happy with my baby being looked after by them, if they had a dog themselves.)

Your niece has made a wise decision, and is showing she is a responsible parent. It's very irresponsible for you to take on looking after someone else's dog when you had an arrangement with your niece to look after her baby when she went back to work. She has now had to go out and find alternative arrangements and alternative care, and you have thrown her right in it. I would not have been as understanding and pleasant as she has been to be honest.

You say you need the money, but what on earth would you have done if she had chosen to send her baby/child to a nursery or (registered) childminder in the first place and had not considered you?

I also agree with previous posters who said £450 a month is a lot to charge your niece for 3 days a week. If you need the money that badly, tell your friend she needs to get someone else to look after the dog (or have him rehomed,) and try getting a part time job.

People asking if the OP is a registered childminder...... of course she isn't! If she was, she would easily be able to get another baby to look after. People are always on the lookout for childminders.

YABU also to say Dniece and DNephew! Just put niece and nephew!

@ChardonnaysPrettySister

The posters who say OP put the dog first are wrong.

No they're not wrong. She obviously has!

I think your niece has done the right thing and handled it really well - and I say that as someone who loves dogs! As a mother her first priority with childcare is to make sure her child is in a safe and secure environment. The dog is an unknown entity right now. Her priority is not to make sure she keeps a financial committment to you that was made before you changed the circumstances completely. Her son comes first.

I know you plan to train the dog but it's not yet trained and the situation wouldn't be fair to the dog or the baby.

Your niece has dodged a bullet here - you obviously have pretty bad judgement. Even if the random dog wasn’t on the scene, this whole situation and your way of thinking has revealed you to be someone I wouldn’t entrust a small child to (especially for £450 a month!)

I’m perplexed as to why you didn’t just call your DN when you first heard about the dog.
You: “I’m thinking of taking on an untrained staffy cross puppy for a homeless friend”.
DN: “that wouldn’t work for me and my baby”.
You could have then decided who was more important to get your care - the dog or the baby.
Why on earth didn’t you call her BEFORE you made the dog commitment?
Saying that, I do agree with other posters saying your DN has dodged a bullet. What else might you suddenly throw into the mix or think is an acceptable thing to have around a baby?

I'd do the same sorry op.

She put helping her friend with the dog first.
Raven.
Whether that was wise is a different story, by she didn't just take a dog in on a whim.
But yes. I agree, she should have let her ni cr know.

As a mum but also a dog owner I think she's being very sensible. She doesn't know the dog you have agreed to temporarily adopt and she doesn't want to take any risks. Her email came across very well.

This is about a decision your niece made as to what she thinks is best for her baby. I'm sorry but it's not about you needling the money. I wouldn't leave my baby in a house with a dog either.

Coming back OP?

OP has replied but it wasn't highlighted.

namedchangedaunt

[[To answers PP no I’m not registered and yes it was cash (I’m not on benefits though or on my arse- just relying on the extra money to pay some specific)

And no, am not being paid to have dog but owner is paying for all expenses.

Have replied to DN to say I respect her decision.]]

Ok, I do agree with PPs who say you were unreasonable to think your niece was unfair. She made the right decision for her baby as a mum, I would definitely have made the same call.

I agree with your niece.

Jealous of all the people who think £450 is similar to the cost of nursery. £65 a day here and I'm nowhere near London.

I agree with everyone else and she's doing the right thing. No chance would I let my baby spend the day in the house with some random dog.

I’ve battled with my in laws over not letting ds around sil’s dog EVER.

They finally accepted it but it’s taken years and they’ve all bitched about me to my face and behind my back about it and think I’m being ridiculous.

If we do have to go to their house I insist the dog is shut away in another room or we won’t go.

“I completely understand why OP took the dog in though. The posters who say OP put the dog first are wrong, she was helping out her friend who is homeless, so it's not about the dog, it's about a homeless person.”

And the DN and her baby have no responsibility for either.

Having accepted a commitment, a paid responsibility, as a childminder, the aunt had no business taking in a dog that was in need of training, and couldn’t be left for more than half an hour.

I’m the end the homeless friend is responsible for homing her dog, no-one else.

And in tne DN’s shoes I would not be reverting to the original plan even if the OP does get rid of the dog.

Could you put the dog in a doggy daycare facility for the 3 days a week you're minding the child? Would be £15-£20 per day for the dog, and a good facility will continue the training you've started, let the dog have fun socialising, and the dog will come home tired.

I’m the end the homeless friend is responsible for homing her dog, no-one else.

I'm not saying the niece isn't right, what I'm saying is that I understand why OP did what she did.

I’m the end the homeless friend is responsible for homing her dog, no-one else.

You seem to have a heart of gold there.

Obviously YABU

Safety aside, how on earth would you manage to do things with the baby if you can't leave the dog for more than 30 minutes? Trips to the park, soft play, the shops, a cafe the kit aryl etc?

Library *

Sorry, posted the quote twice by mistake.

I'm a huge dog lover (and love Staffies) but I see nothing wrong in her decision and what she wrote, your neice is being very sensible. OP, being sensible, you've only had the dog live with you for 1 week. It's a huge upheaval for it so will take a while to settle in. At such a stressful time for the animal it most certainly would not be a good idea to add another layer of stress (eg a small child) to the situation. On top of that the dog is going through its teenage phase and is untrained. Even more reason not to add a tiny child to the mix.

Both breeds are good with kids
Don't be so niaive. Any dog of any breed can be good or not so good with kids. It's entirely down to the individual animal's genes, environment and training, and how the kids treat it. So you can't possibly say either of them are "good with kids" purely because of their breed.

I get that it’s her choice but she knows I was planning on using the money to pay a certain thing as we’ve talked about it a lot
It's unfortunate she's changed her mind but you moved the goalposts by getting the dog after you'd agreed to childmind. As the saying goes "don't count your chickens before they've hatched".

YABVU. You showed your colors by getting the dog without even consulting your niece. If you really needed that money, you would have done so.

Chardonnay: you should see my heart of gold in action, sometimes.

I am really bothered by our housing situation. The lack of secure tenancies at affordable rents especially. I really feel for anyone facing eviction and in the venerable field that is private rental, splitting up, or a crisis that makes housing unaffordable. I really feel for anyone who cannot take a much loved pet with them.

But the OP stepped in, to the detriment of a young woman needing to go back to work and feel that her baby is safe. She has been really lucky to find alternative care at short notice, for a baby under tne age of 1.

She found an alternative. The dog owner would have had to do the same had tne OP ssid she was unable to help, due to her work commitment.

I have compassion for the dog owner, but still think tne OP made a bad decision.

A heart of gold can easily over ride your common sr se, your commitment to others and your own significant need to earn money, it seems.

Yeah it’s her decision in all fairness.

Her choice; she is bound to be anxious about leaving her child, and you only have the dog for a short time. I expect she will be very grateful for your childcare later. Enjoy the dog - he probably needs some settling and comfort if he has lost all that is familiar - and this way you can be useful all round .