DNiece won't let me look after DNephew because of Dog

[namechangedaunt]

Name changed as this is outing.

My niece is due to go back to work in 4 weeks after 8 months mat leave. I offered to look after her DS 3 days a week and she is paying me (not a massive amount- £450 a month so cheaper than a nursery).

A friend of a friend has recently been made homeless and needed their dog looking after for around 6 months (until they are housed). I offered and the dog has been with us for a week now. Dniece has met the dog and hasn’t seemed to have a problem. This morning I received the following email:

“Dear Auntie X,

Sorry to send this by email but I don’t want it to be awkward face to face.

I have found DS a nursery place from mid-December. Please don’t take it personally but we just don’t feel comfortable with Dog being around DS on a daily basis and think it would be best.

DS and Dog will have to be kept apart which isn’t fair on either of them- DS is at an age when he needs to be on the floor learning to play and crawl and stand; we would feel uneasy about him being left with Dog and it’s not feasible you can watch a baby every minute you’re looking after them. We’ve seen Dog display domineering behaviour (the mouthing, barking and growling) and think he’s got a way to go with his training yet.

We also feel that Dog’s barking, and you shouting at the barking, will create an atmosphere for DS that we’re not OK with.

I hope we can talk about it soon. Love you.

DNiece”

Dog is still a pup- just over 1- and I plan to train and discipline him while he’s with us. I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with him at all. He is naughty- he’s not had any boundaries and does bark (loudly) if ignored or left alone- but he’s not aggressive.

I think DNiece is being unfair; she also knows I was relying on the money she will pay me. She also has a dog at home.

What do I reply!?

I can’t pay my mum to have my kids in school holidays as she’s their grandma. It’s classed as babysitting even though she is ofsted registered childminder.

I would do the same as well. I really can't understand people having dogs around small children, it's far too much a risk to take.

@laura25o6 you can't pay her, but can buy her shopping, pay for flights for a holiday or pay her electricity bill!

I agree with your neice to take the baby away. I think it would have been more reasonable of you to have discussed with her giving the dog a temp home first before taking it in. You had a business arrangement that worked well for you which you threw away but doing a friend a favour. A baby comes before any dog, I have read too many stories of children being injured or worse by dogs. Tell the owner to collect her dog and inform your neice your house is dog free and fingers crossed she will cancel the nursery.

Your niece is protecting her child - good for her!

I think you are being totally unreasonable to take the 'ump. What else would you expect her to do?

I can’t pay my mum to have my kids in school holidays as she’s their grandma. It’s classed as babysitting even though she is ofsted registered childminder

This is odd. I pay my registered CM mother. She minds mine ft, I have a contract, receipts, Ofsted fully aware, declared for tax etc.

Another one saying your DNeice is right I’m afraid.
I’ve got 4DCs and have always had rescue dogs.
I’m sure your doggie lodger is lovely but it’s really not a good idea with a crawling baby.

Revisit the arrangement once your friend is back on her feet and you no longer have the pup.

Laura you can even claim WTC for it too if your income is within the limits.

*Only childcare provided by registered or approved childcarers is eligible for the tax credit. You cannot claim the childcare element of Working Tax Credit if the childcare you are using is provided by a relative of the child, even if that relative is registered or approved. A relative of the child means a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, brother or sister whether by blood, half-blood, marriage or affinity.

The exception to this is when your child is cared for by a relative who is a registered childminder who cares for your child outside of your child's own home*

I don't think you need to take offence at it, she's just looking out for her child. Dogs and kids together are a tough mix, especially as the dog won't be used to sharing you. People can say that their dogs wouldn't do anything, but the stress of having a young child about can do funny things to people, let alone animals. It just takes a kid to be too loud or too grabby, and the best dog could lose it. And as well as that you've to try to keep the place dog hair free for the child etc. you're better off in the long run, and I think it was nice of her to not want to hurt your feelings.

Your niece is absolutely in the right here, you barely know this dog, you’ve admitted it needs training and that it mouths and growls, a Staffie cross is a powerful dog, there is no way in hell I’d put my baby into this situation.

I’m a dog owner and I agree with niece. It is a strange dog in your household, not family dog you have had for a while. The dog may not be child friendly or over friendly. Your niece needs to relax in work and not worry, this is why the decision she has made is best for her. If you need the money then friend will have to sort out something else for the dog. Dogs trust dona fostering service for people in short term need such as illness or homelessness. Perhaps friend could try them. If you are having to spend time training dog, this can interfere with looking after child. I would have done the same in nieces situation.

I would do exactly the same as your niece. To those saying the ops rate is not cheap, the cheapest nursery in my area is £46 a day which works out about £580 a month for 3 days. We're a long way from London or any other large cities so I would imagine that for many areas of the country ops rate is cheap.

You are completely unreasonable to have taken in a young undisciplined dog when you had already committed to providing childcare. It would be impossible to fulfil both commitments properly. Your niece's letter was very restrained and polite and didn't blame you for a moment for shafting the original plans, she must be lovely.

It sounds like childcare isn't your forte anyway - if properly socialising this dog works out then why not see if you can build up a business based on working with animal behaviour and training?

OP doesn't have to be a childminder or Ofsted registered to look after the child. She could become a Nanny. It's optional to register with Ofsted to as a Nanny, though if you do, you can then register with the childcare vouchers scheme.

You can get Nanny Insurance for £65 a year and you also need a DBS, first aid certificate and they recommend a short course if you don't have qualifications. You also need business insurance on your car.

Your niece would also be your employer and would have to offer you a workplace pension and provide you with a payslip with relevant deductions on. You would also have to look after your nephew at their house to meet Nanny requirements.

But aside from that, I don't blame your niece not wanting her baby round an unknown and untrained dog.

Why would you think it was unreasonable? If you need the money can't you take extra hours on at work if you have three days a week off?

I'd trim the dog reallly

And I agree with your DN too

It's great to help friend but if it's causing you financial harm .... poor dog but it's a huge favour there

YABU

There’s no way in hell I would leave my baby in a house with a dog whilst I wasn’t there. Also if I’d made the arrangement with you and you’d taken on the dog since without communicating with me, I’d be pretty upset.

Also for a family member supposedly doing a favour I think £450 is a lot. I wouldn’t have agreed in the first place. So are you having the dog for free in the house training it when you would have been charging your niece?

To clarify the childcare charge. It is cheaper if the child is doing all year round. I pay £400 a month for 3 days a week 8-6 but that is term time only. So essentially OP will be having her neice roughly 8 weeks extra a year. BUT I still think £450 a month is way too steep for a relative/friend to be looking after a child. Your neice could send her child to a nursery for not that much more a month and a nursery can provide things that you couldn’t possibly provide. The social interaction with children his age and all the resources that they provide.

@Needadvicetoleave really? That is good to know. I might just buy her shopping or pay for electricity. Good to know this information xx

@NapQueen
I questioned this with Social service as my children are look after. They said even though she’s fully registered etc I can’t pay her. Don’t know if being Birth children would be different x

Also @NapQueen I can’t claim WTC as DH and I earn above the threshold. I do get CT for kids though, this has only just started though x

She is not being even remotely unreasonable!

I am a dog owner myself, and I don't think she's remotely unreasonable here.

And I think you were charging far too much.

£450 a month gets me ten full days a month in an ofstead outstanding, NDNA level 3 nursery, which takes the children from 7.15 to 6.30, provides three meals a day and has one very well trained and qualified staff member to every three children.

There's a nature garden, sensory house, den building, weaving area, water and sand play, fish pond, bug hotel, as well as an education centre.
Children go on trips to the library, farm park, beach etc and costs are included.

There's no way I'd pay £450 a month to a relative, distracted by a dog half the time, to look after my child for three days a week in their house and who presumably isn't qualified to do so.

I probably wouldn't pay more than £300 without the dog!

I think your DN has been very kind and very understanding in her email, and I think all you need to respond with is

'I completely understand, thank you for letting me know. I hope your DS has a wonderful time at nursery, and if there's ever an occasion I can help with drop offs or collection please let me know.

Lots of love, Aunty'

She’s being a responsible parent. Small children and untrained dogs do not mix. I love dogs but am waiting til we’re past baby /toddler stage before thinking about getting another one.

Are you a registered childminder?

Don't blame her.

And I say that as a dog owner.