DNiece won't let me look after DNephew because of Dog

[namechangedaunt]

Name changed as this is outing.

My niece is due to go back to work in 4 weeks after 8 months mat leave. I offered to look after her DS 3 days a week and she is paying me (not a massive amount- £450 a month so cheaper than a nursery).

A friend of a friend has recently been made homeless and needed their dog looking after for around 6 months (until they are housed). I offered and the dog has been with us for a week now. Dniece has met the dog and hasn’t seemed to have a problem. This morning I received the following email:

“Dear Auntie X,

Sorry to send this by email but I don’t want it to be awkward face to face.

I have found DS a nursery place from mid-December. Please don’t take it personally but we just don’t feel comfortable with Dog being around DS on a daily basis and think it would be best.

DS and Dog will have to be kept apart which isn’t fair on either of them- DS is at an age when he needs to be on the floor learning to play and crawl and stand; we would feel uneasy about him being left with Dog and it’s not feasible you can watch a baby every minute you’re looking after them. We’ve seen Dog display domineering behaviour (the mouthing, barking and growling) and think he’s got a way to go with his training yet.

We also feel that Dog’s barking, and you shouting at the barking, will create an atmosphere for DS that we’re not OK with.

I hope we can talk about it soon. Love you.

DNiece”

Dog is still a pup- just over 1- and I plan to train and discipline him while he’s with us. I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with him at all. He is naughty- he’s not had any boundaries and does bark (loudly) if ignored or left alone- but he’s not aggressive.

I think DNiece is being unfair; she also knows I was relying on the money she will pay me. She also has a dog at home.

What do I reply!?

YABU. My SIL has a staffie cross, as far as I know is reasonably well behaved, I'm still super wary and reluctant to have it near my DS. If my MIL had taken the dog on when she so kindly started doing childcare for us I would have done exactly the same as your niece. Dogs can kill. You don't know this dog or its behaviour well enough to guarantee her child is going to be safe. Her child is her priority.

Get the dog rehomed or accept you won't be doing the childcare you planned.

In your situation I’d return the dogs to the owner and ask them to find another temporary career.

You’re saying you now can’t find another job as the dog can’t be left, so ultimately you are paying to look after the dog- and quite a high price. You’re losing at least £450 a month to look after the pup and potentially more if you could find a higher paid job elsewhere.

Have you asked your niece if she would reconsider when the pup goes?

I am in complete agreement with your niece, OP, and would have done exactly the same as she has done.

Your niece has made the right choice for her child and the dog.

However, if I were her, once my baby was settled and happy at nursery I would not be taking them out to leave you when the dog goes.

What a ridiculous situation . If you were "relying on the money" earned from looking after a baby, you were a misguided loon to take in a dog (and an untrained, badly behaved one, at that).
If I was in your niece's position, I wouldn't leave you in charge even if the dog disappeared tomorrow, because I wouldn't trust your judgement.

D niece might not be able to take her child out of nursery now ( even if op gets rid of the dog). I know we had to pay a non refundable deposit to secure a place for dd.

I don’t think you should return the dog as I don’t think your niece is going to change her mind. I wouldn’t in her position. What’s done is done now but no way in hell would I leave my baby in the same house as an untrained staffie.

I'd only let my son be around my calm, well behaved dog, and even then only when I am around.

Or with someone who thought it would be ok. Like another poster said I would no longer trust your judgement.

With the best will in the world, I don't think you have thought through the practicalities. Full time care of an 8 month old baby will never, (imo) square with full time care of a boisterous undisciplined young dog, who you are planning to train at the same time as looking after the baby and, presumably doing your own domestic chores as well. No. You would be taking on too much, and I think your dneice is right to remove her baby from the equation atm.

If you were "relying on the money" earned from looking after a baby, you were a misguided loon to take in a dog (and an untrained, badly behaved one, at that).
If I was in your niece's position, I wouldn't leave you in charge even if the dog disappeared tomorrow, because I wouldn't trust your judgement.

^This with bells on.

I would absolutely not leave my baby with someone with a dog, especially a strange dog they don't even know well (it's not your dog) and one who has been through a lot of change and stress lately (which would make it much more likely to react under pressure). I think she's absolutely making a wise decision. I think it's a bit shocking you can't see how logical it is. But either way, her baby, her choice (also 450 a month for 3 days a week isn't exactly cheap either, so don't sound like much of a deal). I paid about 700 a month for full days 5 days a week with taxfree childcare, so it's on par with many nurseries (unless you live in London). Anyway, still her choice. It's good she's handled it thoughtfully though and let you know as soon as she decided otherwise.

So you were planning to act as an unregistered childminder? I'm sure of course that you were planning to declare and pay tax on the money you were being paid...

I am with your Dniece on this one.

Also with regard to OFSTED registration I am not too sure whether your nephew is too far down the family tree to be regarded as related, but I maybe wrong.

I'm also a bit baffled at your assertion that it's not a lot of money. I have a mate with a DD in nursery for 3 days a week and she's paying similar money - and that's a professional childcare setting which is Ofsted assessed and fully insured.

YABU. You totally screwed your niece over by taking on some dog when you had agreed to mind her baby. She then had to go find a nursery place at very late notice which would be extremely stressful on top of having to return to work. You should never have taken on that dog because you effectively put the dog first and that must feel pretty hurtful from your niece’s point of view. I would be extremely apologetic and say you’re mortified that you didn’t think it through. You have a lot of grovelling to do.

But I think even if you got rid of the dog, I wouldn’t expect niece to let you mind her baby still since you’ve already demonstrated poor judgement. Sorry.

coconut has made the point I was going to make.

Your DNiece is absolutely right.

I agree with other posters your niece is right.
You shouldn't have taken on the dog when0 you had already made a commitment to your niece

Her child, her decision.

I completely understand why OP took the dog in though. The posters who say OP put the dog first are wrong, she was helping out her friend who is homeless, so it's not about the dog, it's about a homeless person.

I am with your Dniece on this one.

Also with regard to OFSTED registration I am not too sure whether your nephew is too far down the family tree to be regarded as related, but I maybe wrong.

Also, if you’re being paid for 3 days childcare on a regular basis you need to be ofsted registered and have your home inspected.

That's not strictly accurate, because Ofsted don't operate in all of the UK. The rules in England are not the rules throughout the UK.

But in any case, I think the niece sounds very reasonable and has made a perfectly reasonable decision.

I think your neice has had a lucky escape and so has her DS to be honest.

You've really shown massively poor judgement here both in terms of treating your neice fairly AND in terms of the kind of carer you'd clearly be. I suspect it's not just the dog that's the issue - this has shown her quite clearly that you're not going to be a great or trustworthy carer, and she's very sensibly pulled out.

Firstly - the dog. What on earth? You're quick to complain that by pulling out she's not been 'fair' to you. Firstly, it's simply not a case of 'fair' when it comes to trusting you to care for her child - there is no grey area and it's absolutely her right to change her mind if a doubt arises - especially as your actions have put that doubt there. Secondly, how about your fairness to her? You agree to care for her child (at a pretty steep price!) and then once all is arranged, you decide to make a massive change to your setup which anyone ANYONE would have an issue with - and you don't even consult her, you assume it will be ok. She's lucky she could get a nursery place at shorter notice and you're lucky she's not really upset with you. The person who has moved the goalposts and not been fair is you.

And then there's what all this shows about how you see your responsibilities. To be honest, this is what would have really had me pulling out of this arrangement quick smart. This dog is a clear risk to anyone with sense. Any dog is a managed risk, but one which is a stranger to you, clearly has issues and is currently not fully under control - madness. Huge safety risk to the baby which a responsible person would just not agree to. Even leaving aside the safety risk - the change in setup sounds awful for the baby. So instead of a dedicated carer who can take him to baby groups, let him play in her peaceful home, maintain nap routines etc. - you've got someone who has to make sure they don't leave the house for more than 30 minutes at a time unless they have a badly trained dog WITH them and the pram, and a home atmosphere punctuated by a chorus of the dog's barks and your shouts as that's the way you handle it? FGS I wouldn't even want my baby in your home for an afternoon in that atmosphere. And I like dogs!

All this - and you didn't even consult her. You thought it would be ok - all those CLEAR points which a responsible carer would automatically flag to the parents to let them make the decision - and you didn't. Huge red flag overall. Your neice can now see that you'd be the kind of carer to take risks and not tell her, because 'aww it's fine'. Car seats, food, where you take the baby, how long and in what circumstances you leave the baby alone in a room, say - all stuff your necie will no doubt have thought through and thought 'no way - I know she wouldn't tell me'.

My son is nine next month and I still feel uncomfortable when he goes to a house which has I dog I havnt met.

I completely understand her decision and I think she sounds like she really didn't want you to be offended

Well she made the right decision as you can see.

Even if you did get rid of the dog I’d be very wary about you looking after my baby.

Because you made a huge change to the environment that my baby would be in, without telling me or anticipating the changing circumstances might be relevant to me, I’d have done the same as your niece.

From full care of a baby to care that you were somehow going to split between a risky, untrained and unknown dog who can’t be left alone more than 30 mins, and a baby who can’t just be left alone for you to go off and look after this dog. There is no way you’d be able to keep the dog and baby separately as the timings just don’t add up, so your proposed ‘baby and dog separate’ idea would never happen. I’m glad your niece realised this massive flaw in your plan, as otherwise she’d come back to find her baby crawling around this untrained dog who mouths, growls etc.

I’d be concerned what other decisions you’d make without informing me. Decisions that make a direct impact on the care and safety of my child.

I also wouldn’t be able to trust that anything you said would be true, given the way you either lied or were completely unrealistic in your ideas.

So, I think it’s a good thing your niece pulled the plug on this plan early, as going ahead with such an impossible plan would have put huge strain on your relationship with your niece and her immediate family.

This way, you can bow out gracefully accepting her decision and maintain good family relations.