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Original poster

DNiece won't let me look after DNephew because of Dog

261 replies

namechangedaunt · 19/11/2017 09:41

Name changed as this is outing.

My niece is due to go back to work in 4 weeks after 8 months mat leave. I offered to look after her DS 3 days a week and she is paying me (not a massive amount- £450 a month so cheaper than a nursery).

A friend of a friend has recently been made homeless and needed their dog looking after for around 6 months (until they are housed). I offered and the dog has been with us for a week now. Dniece has met the dog and hasn’t seemed to have a problem. This morning I received the following email:

“Dear Auntie X,

Sorry to send this by email but I don’t want it to be awkward face to face.

I have found DS a nursery place from mid-December. Please don’t take it personally but we just don’t feel comfortable with Dog being around DS on a daily basis and think it would be best.

DS and Dog will have to be kept apart which isn’t fair on either of them- DS is at an age when he needs to be on the floor learning to play and crawl and stand; we would feel uneasy about him being left with Dog and it’s not feasible you can watch a baby every minute you’re looking after them. We’ve seen Dog display domineering behaviour (the mouthing, barking and growling) and think he’s got a way to go with his training yet.

We also feel that Dog’s barking, and you shouting at the barking, will create an atmosphere for DS that we’re not OK with.

I hope we can talk about it soon. Love you.

DNiece”

Dog is still a pup- just over 1- and I plan to train and discipline him while he’s with us. I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with him at all. He is naughty- he’s not had any boundaries and does bark (loudly) if ignored or left alone- but he’s not aggressive.

I think DNiece is being unfair; she also knows I was relying on the money she will pay me. She also has a dog at home.

What do I reply!?

OP posts:
PrincessoftheSea · 19/11/2017 10:12

I would also do exactly the same as your niece.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/11/2017 10:13

I think you were wrong to take on the dog, having previously made this commitment to your neice. You don't know the dog, it isn't trained and you cannot always keep a proper eye on both a mobile baby and the dog.
I think it was irresponsible to take it on and your neice now has to make other, more expensive arrangements because of it.

category12 · 19/11/2017 10:14

You'll just have to find another income stream - kinda surprised that you think it's unfair when you're the one who has significantly changed the arrangement by adding a young dog.

Belleoftheball8 · 19/11/2017 10:14

Why would you think accepting a staffie (not a dog I would have around my kids) would be good mix with an 8month old baby? If you were a registered child minder a lot of people would avoid putting their child in your care on that basis alone. I’m guessing your upset because the money would be cash in hand so wouldn’t affect anything in regards to benefits?

Quartz2208 · 19/11/2017 10:15

If the dog cant be left for more than 30 mins exactly how were you planning on doing both (and you were being paid so its different to if it were your own child)

AtSea1979 · 19/11/2017 10:16

£450 for 3 days doesnt sound much cheaper than nursery, unless you are in London? In my area nurseries charge £30-40 per day or around £3.50 ph, so if he's not doing full days it might work out cheaper. If I was paying £450 I'd want it to be perfect. No way would I leave my baby with someone who only had a dog for a week, when you agreed to take the dog did you not ask DN first since you'd agreed to look after her child?

pinkdelight · 19/11/2017 10:17

What everyone else has said. And I wouldn't bring the money up. She's going to be spending a lot more on a nursery so this isn't an easy choice and it's costing her too. If you needed the money, you shouldn't have taken the dog on - or at least it should have been in your mind as a factor. If it wasn't then I'd say you're probably not safety-minded enough to look after the dog and baby and she's made the right decision. Plus of course the fact that it's illegal to pay non-registered childminders and all that. Sorry, but it sounds like it's all for the best.

WinterWinds · 19/11/2017 10:17

Your niece is not being unreasonable. You've had the dog a week who you say will need trained and disciplined.
You say she has a dog of her own but I am presuming that dog wasn't acquired in the last week or two. It's her dog, so she knows and trusts it well. She also obviously knows enough about dogs to realise your foster dog could be an issue.

She has been pleasant and polite in her email so just accept that this is what she feels is best.

If you were relying so heavily on the money she was going to pay you then why did you take the dog? Are you being paid for looking after that as well?
It's not your nieces responsibility in regards to the money, Maybe you should think about getting a job.

DivisionBelle · 19/11/2017 10:18

YABVU.

“I think DNiece is being unfair; she also knows I was relying on the money she will pay me. “

No such thing as ‘unfair’: her child, her choice. You changed the environment without even telling her, let alone consulting. And talk about making it all about you!

A not-trained young dog would make me change my mind.

And if you are accepting money, you need to be registered. 3 full days a week is significant.

LOL at you taking on dog care for your friend as a favour, and an expensive favour at that, but expect your neice to worry about your finances when you have introduced a dog.

Yes, a bit cowardly to do it by email, but your blaming her, “she knows I need the money!” and not understanding her position etc makes me understand why she did it that way.

I would have made the same decision as her.

You have let her down.

Butterymuffin · 19/11/2017 10:18

The dog is what's thrown a spanner in the works. Could you not go back to your homeless friend and say she needs to find another person to take the dog?

ICanNeverThinkOfAGoodUsrname · 19/11/2017 10:19

I think your niece made the right decision, the dog is an unknown dog to her and I'd have done the same.

Baby or dog, not both.

BewareOfDragons · 19/11/2017 10:19

Your DN has done the right thing as a mother. You changed the circumstances. She didn't.

If you still want to look after the little one, you have to give the dog back to your friend and let them deal with finding him a new place to stay.

If you can't work because of the dog and you need income, you have to give the dog back to your friend and let them deal with finding him a new place to stay.

A true friend will understand that you need income to eat and live. The dog is ultimately their problem; you tried to help, but it became a problem. End of.

You sound like a nice person, OP, but I'm afraid you didn't think this through. You should have checked with your DN before offering to have the dog because you knew you were taking on a baby in your home while she was working...

WinterWinds · 19/11/2017 10:20

Oops massive x post!

AgentProvocateur · 19/11/2017 10:20

I’d have done the same as your niece. You either have to accept her decision, or tell your other friend you can no longer look after her dog.

LavenderDoll · 19/11/2017 10:21

Neice totally in the right
Not for her to worry about your income - her baby is her priority
And not that cheap for child care either

Belleoftheball8 · 19/11/2017 10:21

I didn’t realise that was £450 a month for 3 days a week that’s expensive from a family member! You can pay that from a nursery who have several trained staff, resources, equipment and the opportunity to go out to the park. You’re restricted because the dog barks half an hour after you’ve left the house which is unfair on your nephew and your neighbours and the dog.

rwalker · 19/11/2017 10:22

agree with niece what a shit position to put her in just b 4 she returns to work . You need to apologise to her .If you need money send the dog back

Nocabbageinmyeye · 19/11/2017 10:24

You are being massively unreasonable, your dn is totally right. In fact she sounds lovely considering you are the one that moved the goal posts and she has to pay significantly more in childcare than she planned yet you are the one moaning about money Hmm

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 19/11/2017 10:24

Fair play to her as a nursery is costing more and she is putting her babies welfare before money.
You chose to look after the dog, I wouldn’t want my baby around a random staffy either and as you’ve said the dog has issues!
Your niece obviously feels you have put the dog before her baby.

ScreamingValenta · 19/11/2017 10:25

Your niece's email is extremely well-worded - it looks as though she put a lot of thought into how she could explain the situation clearly, yet non-confrontationally, in an affectionate tone - it's obvious she values you greatly, and you should cherish your relationship with her.

Grimbles · 19/11/2017 10:25

she knows I was planning on using the money to pay a certain thing as we’ve talked about it a lot.

So why did you not discuss the dog with your niece before agreeing to take on an untrained dog that can't be left alone?

jacks11 · 19/11/2017 10:26

I think you have to accept her decision, it sounds like your niece has good reasons- she's concerned about the dog's behaviour and lack of training to date. I'm sure you are planning to train the dog, but you have no idea how long that will take. I'm sure you intent to watch every second, but all it takes is a momentary lapse- more so if the dog is currently badly behaved. The breed of the dog isn't the issue- any dog of any breed which is poorly trained can be a risk.

Your plans for the money aren't really your nieces primary concern. It's a shame that you'll lose out on money you were relying on, but you took the decision to take on the dog and that changed things. It was a mutually beneficial solution, but the new dog added into the equation means it no longer mutually acceptable.

AnyFucker · 19/11/2017 10:26

With hindsight, you made a mistake taking the dog

PeapodBurgundy · 19/11/2017 10:26

I'd be saying the same. No way would I let DS be around any animal I wasn't confident about. We have pets, and even they don't get left alone in the room with DS. Her choice entirely. As others have said, ask the owners to make alternative arrangements for the dog if you're that upset over it.

DivisionBelle · 19/11/2017 10:27

“And now can’t find another job as the dog can’t be left for longer than half an hour at the moment without barking the house down”

You have made some very bad decisions here, OP. You really should not have presumed you could take this dog and baby-mind without discussing it with your neice.

You have put her in a difficult position.

There are dog rescue services that specialise in looking after pets of people made homeless, abused women etc.

The dog and your homeless friend’s problem It isn’t your nieces problem , but you are making it so.

Also her childcare had to be first and foremost about the care of her child , not a financial strategy to pay for something else.

You need to reflect on all this and think how you act before you inadvertently cause more family tensions, which would be a shame.

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