To leave DH over ruined underwear?

[Sprinklestar]

Ok, sounds dramatic, right?
But... We have been together years, known each other forever. Today, yet again, he washed my hand wash only underwear in the machine and ruined it. I have lost count of the number of times he has done this.
It is just such a waste and will need replacing. We must have had this scenario every year for the past ten.
It's like that thing on the internet about the man whose wife left him over a cup left on the side, its the constant drip drip drip effect and never learning.
I can't stand his incompetence anymore. How hard is it to check a label? And not mess with the stuff in the separate handwash only basket?!
I am so angry.

It would bloody annoy me but I have no idea how you could get him to change.

I wash my clothes
DH washes his.
Havent had a washing mistake in 7 years.

However DH won't wash DDs clothes or household items. Even leaved the tea towels hanging on the drier after removing his items. Pisses me right off tbh.

in my eyes that would make him a prince amongst men and a definite keeper. Maybe he doesn’t like the underwear in question

You have low standards.

It’s not the handwash underwear - it is the bigger picture. He doesn’t give a shit about your stuff.

YANBU

I agree with others that some responses indicate a depressingly low bar. This man is an adult with, I assume, adult responsibilities - job, rent or mortgage, bills, maybe kids. The only reasons for this sort of thing to happen repeatedly are either willful incompetence or total thoughtlessness. Neither of which are acceptable in an adult, equal relationship. Maybe he just didn't think! Well that excuse doesn't work for any other scenario as an adult so I never understand why it is seen as acceptable in relationships.

I have tiny pants the Dd has teenier pants and never has a regular wash ruined them

I remember a poster a while ago describing something her H did that was, on paper, equally trivial - not taking his plates through to the kitchen or similar - despite her explaining over and over to him how much it bothered her. She said that every discarded plate might just as well have had “Fuck you, wife” written on it for all the regard he showed for her feelings and opinions.

That's passive aggressive. He went out of his way to do it. Ten times.

I'd fuck up something belonging to him. Petty? Yes. But I'd be fuming after so many times.

YANBU. My exH pulled this sort of stunt with handwash items. Countless woollen or silk items were destroyed, despite the clear, simple and unambiguous request to read the label, or if there’s no label, leave it for me.

A heady mix of wilful incompetence and financial irresponsibility were why I left him.

What does he say when you get angry? Is it a weird dig at you for having fancy underwear?

It would make me furious.

My DH does all the laundry in our house except for stuff I put in a separate delicates bag and I wash those myself. I don’t know how I’d react if he just ignored the distinction - I’d just be really confused.

if i had hand wash underwear( or hand wash anything) i would be keeping separate and doing it myself.

you’re lucky your DP does the laundry at all

WTF!! I don't like the planet you're living on! I prefer it here on 2017 Earth, where men and women share the clearing up of the mess they create. Yes, laundry is mess people make, so should be shared by the people who make it.

Why on earth, real earth, should the OP be grateful for the dickhead ruining her stuff? Serious question!

Also, no this in not lighthearted I get that OP. It could be the straw that broke the camels back. So a (relatively) minor event that is just the last of a very long list of minor events!

YANBU.

Oh and what is this 'hand wash only' underwear. The only stuff I have is underwire bras and they usually take a wash or several before they mess up!

My MIL is like this. I have to hide our laundry from her if she comes to stay and I have since long accepted that any clothing my children wear at her house will be destroyed by incompetent laundering. I don't understand how people manage to be like this but it's just one of those things you have to accept I suppose. It could be much worse after all.

I expect it's part of a pattern of 'uncaring' behaviour. Or possibly something even worse, given that it seems he's actually had to go out of his way to damage your clothes (picking them out of a separate laundry basket, despite having been told to leave them alone.)

So OP, do you think it was intentional?

What's he like about your clothes, generally? Have you eg stopped wearing some things because he thinks they show off your body too much? Does he complain if you wear make up, or police your social life?

Is he controlling and abusive like this OP?

Yes, I may be way, way off track here, but underwear, especially pricy, delicate, needs-looking-after underwear does have certain associations with sex, and the fact that his destroying it has an element of calculation suggests that he maybe has some issues about sex or, more to the point, your sexuality

Does he have issues about sex?

Or is this a complete overreaction and he just wasn't paying attention?

And it annoys me that if someone was to come on here and post about their wife shrinking their satin boxers, they would be told to get a grip and wash their own undies, however in this situation, the DH is accused of being controlling and abusive.

Sometimes we all make mistakes, doesn't make it abuse.

It just seems so antiquated to handwash all your smalls. Who invents knickers that can't go in the washing machine?

It's a bit of a stretch to conclude that the dh is pulling a "stunt" to convey his opinion that the knickers in question are "slutty". What?!
He more likely wasn't thinking anything more than Dirty washing goes in machine.

oldmums

OP did keep it separate, in a separate basket. The husband went into that basket and took it out and added it to a regular wash.

Quite a deliberate action.

If you’re that petty,yea?leave him.let him marry or cohabitate with a reasonable woman
You can set your sights on a man who can adhere to laundry instructions for your lingerie

Stop being so precious and get a grip!

Having now read other comments as well as the OPs, I rather suspect ReanimatedSGB has hit the nail well and truly on the head.

He more likely wasn't thinking anything more than Dirty washing goes in machine.

Really? After running the OP’s things multiple times before and being asked repeatedly not to? Do you do things your OH has told you upset him because you “just didn’t think” or do you make sure you don’t do them, even if they seem trivial to you?

It’s death by a thousand cuts.

Keep it Separate is becoming the new 'Cancel the cheque'. OP has said repeatedly, it was in fact in a separate basket, for handwash items only.

I would say it was disrespectful and nasty if it was a frequent occurrence. But it happens about once a year.

Sounds like every now and again he just forgets

Is all "handwash only" underwear slutty though? I'm not sure where this idea has come from. We could be talking about enormous baggy pants with a woollen gusset.

She said that every discarded plate might just as well have had “Fuck you, wife” written on it for all the regard he showed for her feelings and opinions.

She needs to get some perspective.

Sometimes people are lazy.

Sometimes people try to help out and end up doing the opposite.

Not everything has some sinister motivation.

(And yes, all my knickers go in the wash. Some are even bought in supermarkets. Shame on me! )

It just seems so antiquated to handwash all your smalls.

She doesn't say all, just her 'handwash only' which I'd imagine is good bras and knickers. She probably has everyday stuff too.

I have M&S stuff and then some Rigby and Peller sets which I handwash as per instructions in special gentle detergent. This ensures they last longer.

Perhaps your undies smelled bad and he's too polite to tell you.