To leave DH over ruined underwear?

[Sprinklestar]

Ok, sounds dramatic, right?
But... We have been together years, known each other forever. Today, yet again, he washed my hand wash only underwear in the machine and ruined it. I have lost count of the number of times he has done this.
It is just such a waste and will need replacing. We must have had this scenario every year for the past ten.
It's like that thing on the internet about the man whose wife left him over a cup left on the side, its the constant drip drip drip effect and never learning.
I can't stand his incompetence anymore. How hard is it to check a label? And not mess with the stuff in the separate handwash only basket?!
I am so angry.

[RidingWindhorses]

Charming.

[CruCru]

Honestly? I think you have a point.

I would make quite a big deal out of this. Add up the cost of all the stuff he ruined and say what an expensive day this has been. Send him links to where to buy it and say that you’d like it replaced by next weekend.

Seriously - make a fuss. It doesn’t matter that it’s underwear (something that he / people on here think is trivial). It could have been a watch that he decided to dunk underwater or a computer that he dropped or anything. It is something that is important to you.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

I think ReanimatedSGB has summed up what's going on.

And yep, some woman have frighteningly low standards that any effort towards running the house men live in should be gratefully treated, however much they fuck up basic shit like "washing things".

[ChardonnaysPrettySister]

To assume he's doing it because he thinks OP is slutty and selfish or because he has problems with sex is a quite a leap of imagination.

Him being scatterbrained is a more obvious option and OP is unhappy with that, but it does seem overkill to leave someone over this.

Imagine looking at this in 5 years time OP. Will this still matter? If you've left will you feel happy?

[GammaDelta]

Hi
...i honestly don't believe this... How hard is to wash it yourself...

[OCSockOrphanage]

I would be peeved if anyone put my underwear (well, the bras, which cost £45 each) into a really hot wash. Fortunately, the washing machine is generally difficult to crank above 30, unless you carefully define a hot cotton wash. DH has worked out the basics on the washing machine, but did not pass the GCSE. As I am now officially old, I prefer to control my laundry programs and leave him to heave logs and fix things. (I can still do both, if I need to, BTW, despite my advancing years, just slower and with lighter weights.)

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

She needs to get some perspective. Sometimes people are lazy.

It’s not OK to be lazy about something your OH, the person you’re supposed to love and cherish and respect more than anyone else in the world, says is upsetting her. It’s just not.

[bridgetreilly]

Well, of course he thought he was being helpful. He wasn't doing your washing in order to make you angry. After ten years you either have to accept him as he is, mistakes and all, or LTB. For doing your washing. Yes, doing it wrong occasionally, but still trying to help. Even if he is risking your wrath. Wow, what a bastard.

YABVVVVVVU.

[CruCru]

I know that people are saying that this only happens once a year. My bras last well over a year. This means that all of this woman’s nice bras are wrecked by her husband putting them in a hot wash, sooner or later.

I must admit that I am too lazy to hand wash my Rigby and Peller bras. I put them on a super delicate 30C wash and they survive. I’d be really unhappy if they went in a 60C cotton wash though.

[Phineyj]

I imagine if he had ruined something of equivalent value that didn't sound frivolous, you'd be getting different responses. The thing is, if you love someone, you care about the things they care about.

I think DH's bike collection is pretty frivolous but I wouldn't damage it! And I'm struggling to imagine damaging it 10 times in 10 years 'by mistake'.

I very much doubt this is the only example of this behaviour, so no, YANBU.

[CheshireChat]

GammaDelta She didn't ask him to do it, he chose to wash them.

Also, sharing chores is normal so depending on their setup it may be a perfectly reasonable request.

[EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck]

DM put my cousin's skanky burgundy dressing gown in with my Feed the World tshirt. I became the owner of the world's only baby pink Feed the World tshirt. I hate baby pink.

[HotelEuphoria]

I've never handwashed a bra and some have been over £50. Ive never ruined one either.

Does he boil wash them with bleach or something? Or are they superfine silk or lace?

[Wherearemymarbles]

So hand washed underwear-
Is it cashmere? Sounds lovely and cosy!

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

Those saying it's "laziness" are missing that it took more effort, not less, to go collect the pre-separated underwear and ruin it.

Obviously, the OP has had to come up with a system that doesn't involve him having to think "can this be thrown in a normal wash?" by separating out her delicates, rather than putting them all in the same dirty washing basket, but that isn't enough to stop him going out of his way to collect the stuff he knows she has separated because it can't go in the normal wash.

This can't be explained by laziness, nor accident. It took thought to do this.

why he thought to do this is a bigger issue than buying new bras.

[LightastheBreeze]

I prefer to do all the laundry, DH does stuff like mopping the kitchen floor, it’s hard to go wrong doing that.

[ToriaPumpkin]

Ugh. I've banned DH from washing my clothes after the third or fourth top he ruined by washing it too hot (he's of the opinion everything should be washed at 60) He's welcome to wash his own clothes and the childrens' clothes as he sees fit (though given I put a load in the machine every day he'd be doing well to need anything doing) but he is not allowed to touch mine.

To be fair, he has a lot of technical outdoor kit that if he washed at 60 degrees and then tumble dried would be utterly useless, which he learned the hard way. So we've now reached an understanding. Especially after he pulled a bra wire and a handfull of change from the washing machine filter (I don't put change in my pockets)

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

If a man posted he leavin the wife cause she can’t wash his footy tops he’d be told get a grip
Just sayin

[Julie8008]

If your undies are that expensive and that delicate then keep them in a drawer where he wont see them when he empties the laundry basket.

Its really not a big deal, just because you tell someone something it does not mean they remember what you said a year later. All they might remember was that you made a big fuss about underwear and washing so he actually thinks he has to stick them in the wash.

I dont know how many times I have pointed out something eg anything but that jumper as a present. Yet it gets bought months later because all they remember is that I pointed out that present.

There is no spite or Machiavellian machinations behind it. Chill an breathe.

[VeganIan]

I've been married and divorced twice. Both my ex husbands regularly damaged things which belonged to me. This lack of respect for me was played out in a range of different ways, but damaging my possessions was very definitely part of the larger pattern

My ex did this too. My stuff just wasn't important enough. I wasn't important enough - I had no value. That's what it felt like though.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

I get it, OP. It's the lack of respect and consideration shown by him ruining your good things.

Why shouldn't you have some fabulous and delicate handwash items? Bit of reverse snobbery going on here, like it's some kind of affront to humanity if you don't buy them 20 pairs for a pound at Poundstretchers.

Likewise, some posters are suffering from low expectations if they think he's some kind of household god for putting a wash on. Like men who "babysit" their own children.

It might not be a big event on its own but it would slowly erode my regard for DP if he did this.

[Justcallmecaptainobvious]

ReanimatedSGB has it, though I'd add:

c) he thinks you're just making a fuss with the separate bag and he knows better.

I've had issues with DH with that attitude. We've sat down and I've explained that the problem is not the actual action (which is often, like this, a fairly trivial thing!), it's the assumption that he knows better so he just goes ahead.

OP, only you know what heading this comes under as you know what the rest of his behaviour indicates. But YANBU to be pissed off.

[user1486076969]

I can't be bothered to read through this whole thread, but by reading the title and your post I assume this is a giant wind up......please?

[Shannaratiger]

Have never seen hand wash underwear, maybe i don't go to posh enough shops. Everything gets chucked into the washing machine, and then the tumble dryer, which is always on delicate.

[ArchchancellorsHat]

OP I think HIBU - you'd already separated the stuff out fgs, it actually took him more effort to get your stuff and ruin it.

I wouldn't have handwash or dry clean only things myself but it's obviously important to OP, and it's her choice on how to spend her money, she's obviously trying to look after the nice things that she chose and spent money on. He doesn't give a fuck and goes out of his way to wreck them.

Some of you have very low standards, if you think he's a household god because he ruined her stuff on purpose but doesn't beat her.