to think we make sex out to be more important than it is

[purpleangel17]

Sex seems to be the centre of the universe these days. It is used to sell things all the time. People want to be sexually attractive. It is assumed sex is an essential part of any relationship. People talk as if they have a 'right' to sex, to frequent, 'good' sex, however you define that. Maybe men feel the 'entitlement' more but I think women feel it too.

Does anyone else find it a bit sad? It just feels the world is so focused on individual pleasure these days.

Are you talking to me? I have commented once on this thread so I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not allowed to have a tongue in cheek dig when OP suggests that those of us who enjoy sex are 'sad'? OK then. And no I'm not man.

I think people do have a right to good sex. And that includes not wanting it at all. Your mind and body, your rules.

I'm gay so I grew up being told that the sex I wanted was wrong, sick, shameful. So for me it's incredibly important, the ultimate self-expression, total freedom. But that's very personal to me.

Everyone's sex drive is in a slightly different gear. The challenge in life is either being happy driving in that lane on your own or finding someone who's travelling at more or less the same speed. But no one gets to push you off the road.

I think it has been the centre of the universe for a long time. The OP I think makes a valid point about the world being too focused on it, and whilst I am not sad about it per se, some of the consequences of this are horrifying (level of assaults, level of mental health issues, money spent in pursuit of it, to name three).

Sex seems to be the centre of the Universe these days
Nope it always has been or else we wouldn't be here

Well yes but it’s only recently that it’s reached the heights of frenzy that results in having Rhianna’s arse shaken in your face on a Saturday night!

A combination of a change in social mores and the explosion of commercial media has catapaulted the message that “sex is the be all and end all” into our lives on s daily basis.

There’s a difference between recognizing sex as both enjoyable and essential to humankind and having sexy shoved in your face wherever you go. One is a basic urge and the other is a greedy unfettered exploitation of that basic urge.

Amidst all those changes one thing has remained the same: patriarchy. And so the sexual revolution has had a not so nice side effect. Whilst women have to a large extent been liberated from the straightjacket of sexual double standards they have experienced a greater pressure to appear sexually attractive at all times and to be appear cool with things they might not necessarily be cool with.

But sex is important. It can literally make or break a person.
Would you tell the victim of sexual abuses or rape that the sex wasn’t important? Would you tell the person who’s family life is in tatters now because their partner cheated that the sex wasn’t important? Would you tell the young could who just lost their virginity together that it wasn’t important? Or the couple trying for a baby that sex isn’t important?
For you, OP, if/when you do have sex again, it will be an important event as it will mark the end of your celibacy.
It is and it should be important. It’s important that you take control of your own sex life. It’s important that you learn to say yes or no. It’s important that you feel empowered.
Personally, I love sex. I don’t have it as much now because I’m knackered.
You’re picking your life partner based on their attitude to sex, so you also obviously regard this as important. If you found sex so unimportant then there would be nothing stopping you from taking part.

Well yes but it’s only recently that it’s reached the heights of frenzy that results in having Rhianna’s arse shaken in your face on a Saturday night!

Literally where on earth do you go on a Saturday night?

Would you tell the victim of sexual abuses or rape that the sex wasn’t important

As a rape survivor, it has got nothing to do with sex believe me.

As a rape survivor, it has got nothing to do with sex believe me.

As a rape victim, to me it did.

I agree with you op and am preparing for the lynching! I come from a Christian perspective and think that sex within a committed lifelong relationship is an important part of the cement that holds you together and provides a stable environment for your children should you have any. I and my partner were 2 'honeymoon fumblers' in our 30's who had never had sex before but we were happy to work it all out. There is no comparing each other to other sexual experiences, it was all about finding out what each other liked and learning as we went.
The worst thing for me is with sex being seen as a recreational activity with no need for emotional connection or any commitment, you get more affairs where the partner claims it meant nothing, it was just sex, and they truly mean it. They have grown up thinking you can separate the 2. Teenagers are under tremendous pressure, often from their parents, to experiment with sex. Well meaning parents buy condoms and leave them lying around teenagers bedrooms. What if your teenagers do not want to experiment with sex?
I personally think that having casual sex with people will affect your ability to be happy in a long term committed relationship. If you find a partner who is willing to marry you before you have sex, that shows true commitment
Societys obsession with sex is very unhealthy.

@vdbfamily no-one will flame you for having views on sex for you, unless you think the tenets of your faith are how others should live.

I don't EXPECT anyone to live like me but I do genuinely believe they would be happier in themselves if they did!!

I do genuinely believe they would be happier in themselves if they did!!

Golly that's quite arrogant

To the PP who didn't understand my position: it is not about anyone's sexual choices being wrong. As long as there are two genuinely consenting, willing and ready adults, go for it. Just because I personally make different choices doesn't mean I think everyone else is wrong.

Nor do I think it is 'sad' to enjoy sex. What I said was the promotion of sex as an essential right and the way that sex seems to pervade everything makes me feel sad. I think it does harm and that if it wasn't everywhere we looked, more people might make less of a big deal of it and the world would be a kinder place.

When you have sex primarily for pleasure, you individualise what is normally a two person thing. For example, when you say someone is bad in bed, what you mean is 'they may have enjoyed it but I didn't', ie my pleasure is more important than theirs. I
And focus on individual pleasure to the detriment of others becomes selfishness. A little selfishness can be a good thing but if everyone is selfish...

To those talking about sexual compatibility in terms of matched drives or approaches. I can understand that is important and can be frustrating but is sex alone really the reason for the split? If someone is right for you in every other way, would you not be able to find a compromise? If you can't, isn't that more about lack of respect or effort than sex?

Finally, to the PP asking what I would do if I waited for sex and then the guy was abusive or the sex was bad. Well, they are two very different things. If a man was abusive, I would end it and chalk it up to me misreading the situation. I would hope by the time we got to that stage I would have noticed red flags. If the sex was bad ... well define bad sex. The first time doesn't have to be mind blowing. It takes time to learn to match another person's body. I would give it time and I would guide my partner and expect him to guide me. If he was unwilling to be guided or to guide then, well I made a bad choice but because of his attitude not because of the sex. I think I reduce the likelihood of bad choices by waiting but I don't eliminate it.

I and my partner were 2 'honeymoon fumblers' in our 30's who had never had sex before

OK. But then you can't claim this...

I personally think that having casual sex with people will affect your ability to be happy in a long term committed relationship.

...because outside yourself, you don't know. I'm not criticising your choice, but I don't think you can make the later, broader statement about casual sex.

Personally, I've had a lot of casual sex and I'm now in a long-term, stable and very happy relationship too. That doesn't mean I think that casual sex is the way to go for everyone.

I don't think it's so much about who a person has or hasn't slept with, as it is about personal values, respect and willingness to make commitments.

Kits
Apologies for confusing you with a poster up thread.
But no. tongue in cheek comments are annoying and unnecessary to say the least.
There is nothing more embarrassing than people talking about sex and how great it is and giggle he's coming round tonight.....
Enjoy sex if you do, don't do it if you don't, no need to make comments to others regardless of what side of the fence you sit.

"I think people do have a right to good sex."

That's a very dangerous thought. You don't have any right to sex because it's not something you can oblige someone else to give you.

You don't have any right to sex because it's not something you can oblige someone else to give you

I disagree; I think every human has the basic right to sex if they want it. The only time that becomes untenable with basic morality is when someone tries to force sex (whether coercion or rape).

I believe I have an absolute right to have sex with whom I wish. I wouldn't be in a sexless relationship which is a totally acceptable position; as indeed is the position of the person who doesn't want sex. Neither is unreasonable, they are incompatible.

Vbfamily, I agree with you, my DH and I were ‘honeymoon fumblers’ in our thirties as well. But I think you should have said, casual sex can lead to difficulties forming long-term relationships, not that it does do that. Because we’re all different. Some ‘honeymoon fumblers’ end up cheating on their partners too, and the divorce rate is actually nearly as high within the church as outside it.

I do think there are couples in the church who marry too quickly because they are in a hurry to DTD as it were, and that isn’t great either.

I’m also sadly cynical about some of those who teach sexual purity, as they quite patently don’t practise what they preach, and it turns out that they have been leading a double life. My abusive father was like that.

I actually feel sick at the idea of a right to sex for disabled people being some kind of enforceable act. Of course a disabled person who is mentally sound should be sexually active if they choose. But for the learning disabled that is such a dangerous slope - if they haven't the ability to understand the implications of sex then I think it is irresponsible to actively promote them having it.

I have a sister who is severely learning disabled. Physically she is sexually mature and she clearly has 'crushes' from time to time. Legally she is an adult. Emotionally and mentally she is a toddler. She is non-verbal. At times over the years we have had to deal with her being groped and once attempted rape. She might have a biological urge to sex but personally I think actively encouraging her to have sex or e.g. engaging an escort would be akin to encouraging a toddler. She might be physically mature but sex is about more than biology - or we would accept 11/12 year olds having sex.

Providing condoms so late teenagers have protected sex if they are having it or want to have it is not their 'parents pressuring them to experiment with sex'.

strange take on it.

Plausible....you do not have to have personally experienced something to have an opinion on it. I can look at the friends around me who have started having sex with someone too soon and found they have little else in common and then been emotionally traumatised when they split up. I can look at the number of young females struggling with fertility issues because of STD's . I can look at the rate of relationship breakdown. I can see friends who want to marry but who's partners do not want to commit. In all of these circumstances, if there is a commitment before the sex happens there is a much higher guarantee of a successful relationship which in my view equals happiness.I know it is just my opinion but I disagree that because I was a virgin when I married that I cannot hold such a view.

Mittens....I agree I should have said 'can' and not will. Obviously we are all individuals with very different experiences.

"I think people do have a right to good sex."

That's a very dangerous thought. You don't have any right to sex because it's not something you can oblige someone else to give you.
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Gwen, that isn't what I'm saying. You've selectively quoted; did you read the rest of my post? In no way do I advocate a disregard of consent. Perhaps I wasn't sufficiently clear.

What I'm saying is that consenting people have a right to seek - ask for, desire, experience, not feel ashamed about, however you want to frame it - the sexual experiences that fulfil them and their partner(s) (if relevant). That might be saying no, or saying yes. It might be no sex at all. It might be solo. It might be in a group of six people. The right to seek out sex of course goes hand-in-hand with the absolute right to accept or deny that approach from others.

Plenty of women choose celibacy after unsatisfactory sexual experiences, the op is hardly unusual.

Op if you want to discuss the pontification of society you'd be better posting in feminism.

Another Christian here though I held this view on sex before I returned to Christianity. I agree there certainly can be double standards in a church though and people don't always practise what they preach. That's why I think a personal relationship with God is so key.