To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

I do find it ridiculous that the OP has posted this on AIBU and then complains when posters say she is being U, but that’s what so often happens.

I agree that you’re perfectly justified in not going to this man’s funeral. But there’s no need to say all these negative things about him. He can’t hurt you now he’s dead and he did die far too young.

And it’s also ridiculous to make comparisons with Saville or Hitler. He was grumpy and unpleasant not evil.

Not quite the same thing, but we had a woman in the office who was really horrible, a right nasty sly piece of work. She hated me( no reason why) and everyone else.
She was transferred with a promotion (probably cos everyone wanted her gone!) and there was collection, card, lunch for her goodbye etc. Buggered if I was gonna contribute to any of the above as she was so unpleasant. I did say I'd contribute to the card if I was allowed to sign it with my own message, but funniy enough they wouldn't let me! I didn't go to the lunch ( or chip in for it) as it was hypocritical. Several others went ( they didn't like her either) and she didn't like them. Bloody hypocrites.
Don't go, I'll bet you'll find that once the first person has raised their head over the parapet the others will join in.

Good for you @WashBasketsAreUs

Good for you for not being a hypocrite, and refusing to go!

Why are the whole department going? That is unusual.

Well that is what I thought! I don't see why we all have to go. But the manager said it would look awful if we didn't all go.

Well, we're not all going now, so she will have to suck it up!

How refreshing! Someone who doesn’t pretend to be sad at a death, or that the deceased person was even nice.

I applaud you, Jilly. I hate hypocrisy.

Going to a funeral of someone you disliked is appalling behaviour. The true mourners don’t you hanging about, they want to feel that they are not alone in their sorrow and need people who don’t share it to kee far far away.

And no, you won’t pretend convincingly believe me.

whiskyowl You are not comparing like with like. This man was not an abuser, just unpleasant. However I thoroughly sympathise with the OP and am horrified that her manager is bullying her into going to he funeral.

Good for you Jilly Legally they can't force you to go.

I wouldn't go and I especially would not use my holiday or have my wage docked.

I have had a couple of people from my school year pass away in tragic circumstances. I didn't particularly like either of them. I'm sorry for what happened to them and I'm sorry for their family and friends but that's it.

I think it's actually incredibly insensitive towards family and friends to go to a funeral of someone you really didn't like. (I appreciate that sometimes it's necessary because they were family or to support someone who's grieving.)

If a cunt dies, does he suddenly become a saint? Or does he become a dead cunt?

Just reading your op, I got the just that he wasn’t very pleasant as a colleague, and you were describing what he was like. Not what I’d say as a character assassination. You built his profile, that basically he was a tosser who was not well liked.

I don’t think you should use any leave for his funeral, and carry on as normal.

I think you’ve been given a hard time tbh.

Could you not just say that as you only knew him at work, not socially, you feel it would be more appropriate to 'remember' him at work on the day of the funeral?

Attending a funeral as an adult should be a matter of choice. Your manager cannot make you go. It is not part of your job to attend funerals of people who work for your organisation. Just say, politely, that you will not be attending. You don’t have to say why.

Good for you OP. A dick in life is still a dick when they die. I don't believe this claptrap about not speaking ill of the dead. I found out my horrible grandad died and just shrugged and said good. Nasty piece of work he was and he deserved everything he got.

I couldn't be a hypocrite either and I certainly wouldn't be contributing to a collection either.

Going to a funeral of someone you disliked is appalling behaviour. The true mourners don’t you hanging about, they want to feel that they are not alone in their sorrow and need people who don’t share it to kee far far away.

Thanks Jux.

And the others above too.

@Haffiana

If a cunt dies, does he suddenly become a saint? Or does he become a dead cunt?

According to SOME on here, even the nastiest people become saints when they die!

I don’t think the OP would have got the response she did from some posters on here if she hadn’t spoken so negatively about him. I don’t doubt he was as bad as you say, either, I’ve known people like that.

Nobody has said you should go to the funeral, it’s good that your manager has been overruled on that point.

But when you speak so strongly against someone, especially when they’ve just died tragically young, it doesn’t go down well with a lot of people. Hypocritical, without a doubt, but it’s how people feel.

One of the 2 girls said she spoke to HR earlier, and we cannot be forced to go at all, and we certainly cannot be forced to use half a day's leave.

Are these two people over the age of 18? If so, they are women, not girls. I just wanted to mention that since you do seem to be particularly concerned (and rightly so) about respecting women in the workplace.

There's no one whose death in which I would rejoice now, but that's because I have been lucky enough to move on and the passage of time has blurred the misery that particular person caused me and many others.

But when he passes from this world I will be glad. And I hope it really hurts.

All my friends are my girlfriends.
We go on girls nights out.
Nothing wrong with term.
Womenfriends diesnt sound right and a women's night out??????
NAH!!!!!

Ohhhh and we are all late 40'a

I couldn’t agree more hellbells - I go on ‘girls’ nights out and refer to my girlfriends as the ‘girls’. It seems like anything the OP says she’ll get picked up onby some people. It’s really unnecessary in my opinion and says far more about those posters than the OP.

According to SOME on here, even the nastiest people become saints when they die!

That's not what people are saying . I have (need to get out more clearly) followed this thread and truly I have seen no one glorify this rather unpleasant and unhappy sounding human being , or suggest that you should attend his funeral

It's what Thehumanrace said but far more eloquently than me

OP I really don't want to argue with a stranger online it just baffling how you are misreading peoples and turning on people when some People might be genuinely taken aback and hurt by the language used that's all

Death is an emotive topic and for all we know maybe people divorced a steve type , despaired about their sibling steve and wished they could improve their lot . It can't be nice to have a family member like this .

Again I would never suggest that you attend funeral or deify him and I haven't seen anyone do that ?

Did you actually read the thread?

Thanks Jilly12345. I asked one of the other ladies why she was going and she just shrugged and said " office politics". Sod that! And don't get me started on the "Breakaway Christmas party/ I'm not doing secret Santa" incident, which I hasten to add I was the instigator of as well. Total rebel, me!