To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

them trouble makers Oh dear.

I get where you are coming from op. When my mil died unexpectedly I only went to the funeral to support my Dh. Shed only started talking to me about 9 months previously after casting me as the devil in disguise from meeting Dh 15 years before hand we hadn't spoken for about 12 years.
Sil stood up to give a reading, singing her praises about how kind she was she would do anything for anyone what a lovely woman she was etc etc
I remember thinking wtf! Where has all this come from?

In truth she was a nasty witch who didn't seem to like other people much. She treated me and other family members appallingly. I felt like a fraud.

When another sil died unexpectedly a year or two later, (she was happy to side with mils campaign against me) Dh expected me to go to support him. My response, I didn't like the woman whilst she was alive nothing's changed now she's dead.

Again a reading was given stating what a wonderful person she was, but this time it was Dh thinking " WTF???"

Well no one is going to stand up at a funeral and give a reading saying they were a total cunt are they?

Even at Steve’s funeral people will say nice things.

I think the pious posters here should save their censure for an employer who is forcing staff to forego pay and attend a funeral.

If they weren't doing this, OP wouldn't have had to post here for advice.

You're the one posting online about some dead guy before he's even cold
How cold does a dead person have to be before it's OK to tell the truth about how awful they were when they were alive? Luke warm? Slightly chilled? Frozen solid? How long can we wait before we don't have to pretend we hated the deceased? Serious question because if there are "rules" then we have to know what they are.

Well no one is going to stand up at a funeral and give a reading saying they were a total cunt are they?
True, but why do people pretend that the relationship they had with the deceased was pleasant when it was appauling? They could just refuse to make a speech, then they wouldn't be hypocrites.

TheHumanRace, you are right that there could have been a gentler way to deal with it, which is of course just to make an excuse and not go. However, op couldn’t do that as she was ordered to go and to contribute a half day’s holiday to do so.

Once your boss does that, then there isn’t really a gentler way any more, is there? It has already failed.

How cold does a dead person have to be before it's OK to tell the truth about how awful they were when they were alive? Luke warm? Slightly chilled? Frozen solid? How long can we wait before we don't have to pretend we hated the deceased? Serious question because if there are "rules" then we have to know what they are

Generally you get them in the ground before you start wanking on about what a cunt they are. It's just about having a bit of class, it's really not something you should need spelling out.

According to SOME on here, even the nastiest people become saints when they die!

According to whom? Could you quote please, because its funny but I can't see a single one.

Generally you get them in the ground before you start wanking on about what a cunt they are. It's just about having a bit of class, it's really not something you should need spelling out. This made me laugh.

Maybe there is another reason? Your boss is scared stiff of ghosties and thinks that the horrid man will haunt the office...WOOOOOO!

It’s absolutely unacceptable to be told that you have to go to an event and lose half a day’s pay for it. It is unacceptable whether you liked the person or not.
The OP should certainly take it up with ACAS as this company is behaving reprehensibly. The fact that she didn’t like the man is irrelevant really.
But I see nothing wrong with stating that she didn’t like him and why on an anonymous forum.

@Jilly12345
Agree you shouldn’t go. And just because someone has died it doesn’t mean they were a decent person.

My uncle was an evil, hypocritical, hugely religious piece of shit. When he died I took my Mum to see his body in the hospital. I looked at him thinking it was good he had died.
Felt the same about my grandma really. She was a nasty bit of work too.

They died. They didn’t become nice people.

And for everyone who said no one speaks ill of the dead.... when my dad died who was a brilliant academic, I got several letters from his old friends.

They all started with a version of
“he was crap socially and not easy to get on with but......”

I thought that was quite endearing in a strange way. At least they didn’t pretend he was an easy man but celebrated what an amazing teacher he was and his academic and research breakthroughs.

I wouldn't go. I would simply state I do not want to go. If that's your choice stand by it.

I absolutely think that you shouldn't be rallying support with others. That's just unnecessary, and you risk being accused of inciting trouble.

Fair enough you didn't like him, but that's what your private thoughts are for. No need to look like as bad as him for slamming him now.

I agree you should not go. It is hypocrisy to do so. As others have said the same thing you will not be alone.

The first sad thing is that he has died far too soon, the second is that given his behaviour he was still in the job he was in. The one thing you could do in future is should you ever have the misfortune to have a colleague like him, complain about their unacceptable behaviour from the beginning. Foul language could be enough for a start, if a person persists.

It's amazing how women people are expected to be classy/ladylike/meek & mild when they display characteristics of being an actual human being. If a bastard dies, I ain't dressing up in black and wiping my tears away (discreetly, and quietly obvs) in my silk hankie

There's a great scene in Six Feet Under where an old man tells the character David, "You've made her look beautiful... and if there's any justice in the world, she's shovelling shit in hell right now"

I'd make a donation to a feminist cause in his 'honour'.

Classy is not a synonym of meek and mild. Far from it. Neither is class only expected from vagina owners.

You don't have to stand at the grave and weep. You just have to not be a cunt telling literally the whole world what a cunt someone is while their body is still cooling.

Am amazed people don't know this stuff. Were you raised by wolves?

Were you raised by wolves?

Yes. Arrooooo

The human body gets pretty damn cold pretty fast if it's temperature everyone's worried about. I certified someone an hour after the event and yep, chilly.

You're the one posting online about some dead guy before he's even cold.
Try having some fucking class at the very least.

Like it's really respectful to call a dead person 'some dead guy'

I don't think anyone can accuse you of having class, hot buttered

What would you like me to call him? Compared to OP's descriptions, "some dead guy" is a goddam accolade.

In answer to your original question OP, you should speak to HR and make it clear in writing that you do not agree for half a day’s pay to be docked, nor to be forced to attend this funeral.

I think in writing to HR, make it clear that you consider the threat of losing half a day's pay to be bullying or harassment. Hopefully that will end the matter and you can go to work on Friday as normal.

An unauthorised deduction of pay could as I understand it be a matter for an employment tribunal, and I am sure no employer would wish this to get that far.