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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

379 replies

Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 11:44

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either. Confused

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/11/2017 15:12

There is a gentler but still genuine way to deal with this.

Lovely post Human race.

I really don't think the OP is coming across as being any more pleasant than the man she despised so much.

OP you are being vindictively spiteful about your deceased colleague - all you had to say was that you didn't get on with him - and you are being rude, snide and goady to anyone who disagrees with you on here. Why be so horrible? It isn't necessary, but you seem to be taking great delight in being as foul as possible.

How many mourners will be at your funeral when the day comes, I wonder, if you continue to treat people like this?

limitedperiodonly · 18/11/2017 15:18

If you abide by the adage: 'If you have nothing nice to say...' that's fine for you. But lots of us don't. That's not to say we'd say at a funeral: 'Your dad was a cunt.'

None of us knows this person and I'm not buying the hysteria about him being identifiable from this thread. Possibly, but possibly the OP changed details or made the whole thing up - sorry, OP, it's not an accusation but people have been known to do that.

It's an interesting topic. Thinking about one person it was my misfortune to work for, I do occasionally chat to former colleagues who are fans - though I'd describe them as hostages with Stockholm Syndrome. They often laugh and say that though he was a cunt, he taught them loads about our industry, which is sadly pockmarked with cunts. I always tell them he was a twisted misanthrope with deep issues but that luckily I'd found other mentors who were talented and kind and I would hope that's how juniors would describe me.

Sometimes they try to defend him and though I don't get aggressive, I won't have it. If they canvass my opinion by wandering down memory lane then they're going to put up with an honest answer. I can't see a way round it because if they were to say: 'Wasn't X a great guy?' then my stony silence would be tantamount to saying: 'Are you crazy?' Unless some PP are expecting me to lie in that situation. That would be hypocrisy.

ForalltheSaints · 18/11/2017 15:22

The deceased probably would not have wanted the OP to attend his funeral, had he been able to express his views on his funeral arrangements before his untimely death. So not going could be argued to be respecting what his wishes might have been.

Original poster
Jilly12345 · 18/11/2017 15:41

Ignoring the precious pearl-clutching snowflakes on this thread, trying to stir the pot and baiting.

As I said, I am not going to the funeral, and neither are the 3 others I have spoken to about it. (We are speaking to the manager in question on Monday.) One of the 3 people has actually spoken to 2 other people this morning on the internet, and long story short, they do not want to go either as they also thought he was a horrid man. But they are still going. (Too scared to say no!)

I am being negative about him because he was a prize dick, misogynistic, racist, bigoted and homophobic. He was a prize dick alive and he is a prize dick dead. I couldn't stand him. I am not going to pretend I liked him. I am not going to fake mourn him. So shoot me.

@Minerva

I think the pious posters here should save their censure for an employer who is forcing staff to forego pay and attend a funeral.

Great point. But that's not as much fun as bashing and berating a poster purely for being honest, and saying how they feel. And continuing to blather on and on and be more vitriolic in the hope they will retaliate and get themselves warned or get their posts deleted. Must be really grating on them that I am not rising to the bait. Grin

@whataloadofoldbollocks

How cold does a dead person have to be before it's OK to tell the truth about how awful they were when they were alive? Luke warm? Slightly chilled? Frozen solid? How long can we wait before we don't have to pretend we hated the deceased? Serious question because if there are "rules" then we have to know what they are.

PMSL! Grin

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 18/11/2017 15:55

I don’t know if you realise that you sound like you might be just as bad as the man you despised, OP. Why post on AIBU if you don’t want posters to disagree with you? You must have known what kind of things people might say??

derxa · 18/11/2017 16:00

As I said, I am not going to the funeral I'm sure you won't be missed.

ForalltheSaints · 18/11/2017 16:03

If two people are scared to say no, then it suggests bullying or harassment by the manager. Regardless of the OPs opinion.

schoolgaterebel · 18/11/2017 16:04

Of course you shouldn't have to attend a funeral if you don't want to. That's your business.

Don't involve yourself in others decision to go or not to go, you will come across and really nasty. Just let everyone make their own choice.

IsaSchmisa · 18/11/2017 16:10

I don’t know if you realise that you sound like you might be just as bad as the man you despised, OP.

Just as bad? What has she said that's racist or homophobic?

surferjet · 18/11/2017 16:12

Is this still going?
Op, no one on here really gives a shite whether you go or not. Get over yourself.

limitedperiodonly · 18/11/2017 16:16

Is this still going?

Well, you're still contributing SurferJet

Mittens1969 · 18/11/2017 16:24

I meant in terms of being rude and unpleasant. No I don’t think she’s racist and homophobic, obviously. We only have her word as to what the deceased was like. Hmm

Mittens1969 · 18/11/2017 16:29

I also don’t like the way the OP is taking so much interest in whether her colleagues go to the funeral or not.

WellThisIsShit · 18/11/2017 16:32

There is a gentler but still genuine way to deal with this.

You have a genuine hr issue which you’ve sorted out. Which is good. But why are you so focused on the dead man, he didn’t cause your HR issue. Save a little bit of that hate and ridicule for the person who decided you must go, must give money and must take holiday time.

IsaSchmisa · 18/11/2017 16:39

I meant in terms of being rude and unpleasant. No I don’t think she’s racist and homophobic, obviously. We only have her word as to what the deceased was like.

So you're conflating being rude with being racist and homophobic, then. Right. As for only having OPs word for the bigotry, we also only have OPs word for any of the situation, but you seem happy enough to accept that this man existed and is now dead.

Mittens1969 · 18/11/2017 16:54

I don’t know that I do, quite frankly. It seems bizarre, the idea of a manager insisting that employees attend an unpleasant colleague’s funeral. I had no idea such things happened.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 18/11/2017 16:57

Ignoring the precious pearl-clutching snowflakes on this thread

It's pearl clutching snowflakery to NOT go around encouraging people to talk badly about someone who died suddenly and isn't even buried yet?

Nope. It's merely called "being a functioning human adult". You should probably try it sometime.

IsaSchmisa · 18/11/2017 18:09

Well, by all means report it if you think OP is trolling.

SirWibbles209 · 18/11/2017 18:32

Sorry but to the people saying the OP is nasty and she should go, I think that makes you really two faced tbh. If someone was horrible in life doesn't mean they suddenly become nice in death, at least the OPs not a hypocrite.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/11/2017 18:41

Sir

Not a single person has said the OP should go . Really - that's not the issue Wink

Jux · 18/11/2017 18:42

Clovertoast · 18/11/2017 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

limitedperiodonly · 18/11/2017 20:01

It's a bit odd that people are desperate to defend a man we don't know. Do they pop up on parking threads saying that maybe the person who blocks your drive is a charity worker with IBS? Sometimes people are cunts

Clovertoast · 18/11/2017 20:05

I'm not defending the man limited I'm having a go at OP.
Again, don't think she should go!

NamasteNiki · 18/11/2017 20:05

You could suck it up and go just to make sure he's dead as you disliked him so.