To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

I think what other posters have felt was that for this man to die suddenly completely friendless at 45 is tragic, however unpleasant he was, a wasted life really. No one is saying that this means he was any less misogynistic or homophobic than he was. But to gloat about him being dead leaves an unpleasant taste in the mouth.

(And I will assume the story is true, and either way it’s an interesting discussion on here.)

@Mittens1969

No one is saying that this means he was any less misogynistic or homophobic than he was. But to gloat about him being dead leaves an unpleasant taste in the mouth.

Oh FFS, no-one has gloated about anyone being dead!!!

People need to stop making stuff up to suit their personal agenda, and quit the personal insults too. There are some pious folk on this thread dishing out nasty comments, saying I said stuff I didn't, calling me everything under the sun, and just being thoroughly unpleasant.

All I have said is I couldn't stand the man because he was a rude, arrogant misogynistic bigot, and I am NOT going to his funeral (even though my manager tried to insist I did,) because I refuse to be a hypocrite.

Some of the posts from a certain few posters on this thread are a disgrace.

I wonder if some people actually read what they have written before they hit 'post message?'

They bloody well should do!

I think we can safely assume that the ops perception of this poor guy is somewhat unreliable, if their interpretation of posters saying it’s bad taste to speak so negatively about someone that has only just passed, is that they are a disgrace ? Ahh bless poor you... I’m imagining that this ‘straight talking’ none hypocrite must find everyday life quite the battlefield, if offense is taken everytime someone disagrees with you.

Incidentally, the other ‘none hypocritical’ colleagues that you’ve recruited to your non cause, are probably just bothered about losing annual leave and or pay. I bet they’d be at the funeral if they where getting paid for it.

I’m also wondering why you bothered to post this in Aibu when a quick post in the work section, would have told you all you needed to know?

You have insulted posters , people that even gently disagreed with you have been called names by yourself . Many times !

You have twisted what people said , multiple times . If you can't find me a single post where people have said you should attend funeral I will be suorised

Your lack of self awareness in this whole
Conversation has been staggering

The responses have only got harsher as quite a few people have read the thread and been quite taken aback by the way you speak to people who don't agree with you

I can't imagine this thread has been a very nice experience , or Maybe you like a ruck ! I don't know 🤔

Happy pearl twisting bitches !

To the haters, who can't stop posting on here, slagging me off and baiting me, despite me making my stance clear waaaay back in the thread (that I am not going to the funeral;) you are wasting your time. And I will repeat how I feel about your nasty comments.

And now I am done on the thread, because I am just constantly repeating myself.

Thanks to the majority of the posters on here who were supportive, who were on my side, and saw sense. You have all been lovely.

As for the baiters and haters who have ranted on for 14 pages, who have made shit up as they went along to suit their agenda, and who have accused me repeatedly of saying shit I never said............ I hope you find peace and happiness in your life one day.

Toodle pipski folks

And no this thread has NOT been unpleasant for me. Far from it actually!

Yup, so not bovvered you keep droning on about it.

Haters? Don't flatter yourself. You couldn't rouse more than a vague displeasure.

Oh give it a break crumpets. I agree the OP has had a bad time in this thread, and ultimately was being asked to do something that was completely unreasonable. Just let it go .

Who put you in charge of who can say what?

Whatever she got was deserved.

Do you have to be so nasty?

I'd giver a fiver for flowers and refuse to go the funeral. I can't believe they expect you to lose a half day holiday or pay. Surely it's illegal?

Again, I'm not the one broadcasting the cuntyness of the newly deceased. OP is far nastier than I could ever hope to be.

And as stated many times NO-ONE HAS SUGGESTED SHE GO TO THE FUNERAL.
The only grief she's been given is about her and the way she comes across!!
She's shouting and screaming at people and deliberately missing the point.
Yuk

I have read the OP’s responses again, the beauty of being able to scroll through and read the green ones. She has just been accused of shouting screaming etc - someone else accused her of telling people to fuck off? But I think that’s been deleted? I can’t see any evidence of shouting/screaming and all the things some people here accused the OP of. This thread has turned into a complete witch hunt from certainly individuals which is not deserved or warranted in my opinion. The OP simply has stood her ground when people have been calling her ‘vile’ and a ‘bitch’. Despicable behaviour and those of you who did it should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

no idea if thats at me but I'm not remotely ashamed. The only one who should be is the OP.

Not a single person has actually said she was unreasonable about the going to the funeral bit. Not one. So she really had no need to be so awful about the deceased in the first place, she just wanted to. For no particular reason she wanted to tell the whole world about what she thought was wrong with someone who literally just died.

No she didn’t, again you’re twisting and turning what she asked. She asked a reasonable question with the relevant background to stop people accusing her of drip feeding. And yes her personal opinion of this person was relevant whether he was alive or dead. She then got attacked. It’s really that simple.

No idea what you were reading then. She posted repeatedly about all of his faults, despite no-one disagreeing with her.

AIBU to not go to the funeral of someone I didn't like? Fine, everyone says, no need to, you're absolutely right they can't make you and shouldn't. Yet there is more and more stuff about how awful he is.

Sheer spite and nastiness.

Clovertoast

Wow, you hypocrite. You've admitted you're having a go at OP, and have had a post deleted by HQ and yet have the nerve to say 'yuk' to OP? Go find someone else to bully.

To be honest the only one being nasty now crumpets is you. The OP said “is it unreasonable for me not to go to a funeral of a man I didn’t like”. She didn’t call him anything he wasn’t, she simply said she didn’t want to go. Cue lots of craziness criticising her speaking Ill of the dead etc etc. The funniest one was somebody saying she had no class and worrying about what his relatives might say if they happened to read the thread. Totally bizarre. And downright nasty at times.

I’m actualky wondering if clovertoast and crumpets are related. Bit of a coincindence they both like the same kind of food.

Blodpod perhaps instead of just reading the ops ‘edited’ interpretation of other posters you could try reading the full thread, then come back when you find the posters that have told her to go to the funeral.

I have read the whole thread thanks grandma. As repeatedly mentioned no one is arguing that anyone told the OP to go to the funeral. Perhaps you need to read the thread again. And that was not the point I was making, neither was the OP making, in fact the only people making that point are the ones who have got the wrong end of the stick and gunning (for some bizarre reason) for the OP. Reminds me of the bullies at school.

Gonetogetgrandma

I think Blod's point is there no shouting and screaming in OP's posts, as people have accused.

Blod hasn't said people have told OP to go to the funeral.

she simply said she didn’t want to go

Ah now, that just isn't true. Just read the OP! never mind the rest of it.

There is a manager at work and if he dropped dead tomorrow I would not go to his funeral the following week!! He he tried to make life difficult for me and while I would not take pleasure in his death I wouldn't mourn it.
You are doing the right thing for yourself.