To be unimpressed at DH having 3 large glasses of wine last night...

[RaisonableLady]

First off - I know there are many people who are dealing with properly serious alcohol issues and I don't suggest I'm in the same boat... this is just a question about habits...

So last night I got home at 7 and DH was on his first large glass of white. (The DCs had been with the childminder till then btw).

He had 2 more by the time I took the kids up to bed at about 8.45. He wasn't argumentative but - as DCs correctly pointed out - he was being blummin annoying... wittering on about nonsense, glassy-eyed...

It was an ordinary week-day evening. I wasn't drinking, so he was drinking alone - (I don't have much - which I know colours my view ). He hadn't finished work for the week - he wasn't celebrating anything - we were all just watching It Takes Two and Masterchef.

Unsurprisingly, he fell asleep, snoring loudly, on the sofa before 9.30.

Help!! I just don't understand the point of downing 6 units of alcohol on your own... But then he's not necking a whole bottle, doesn't do it every night... Thoughts welcome.

AA identify a drink problem not by frequency or quantity but on how the habit impacts the key relationships of the drinker.

Clearly his behaviour upsets you and your children.

He needs to know this and adapt if he cares about these relationships.

If he is unable to prioritise you and his children he has a problem.

His current behaviour (frequency and quantity) may not concern someone else (ie the varied responses on this thread) - but that is not relevant to you.

You have every right to communicate your distress and to expect him to take it seriously and moderate his habit for the sake of his family. Listen to your feelings and make it clear that this is not acceptable - otherwise you are not being honest and resentment will build. Good luck.

@Nickynacky you have a good reason for not spending time with your DH. OPs husband would literally rather spend time drunk (I.e. Literally doing nothing apart from destroying his liver) than with his children or wife. I'm not saying for a moment that you have to spend time together if you have better things to do but if you clearly don't then you clearly don't care about the success of your marriage or your relationship with your own children. Good husbands and fathers don't choose being drunk over spending time with their family.

Okay in itself I don't see a few glasses of wine as a problem, but if he isn't helping you with childcare and isn't listening to you saying that you need more time together as a couple than you have bigger problems that the wine is masking. Maybe? Are you aware of anything that would cause him to snap and drink?

ttbb Honestly you are over reacting. He's having a few drinks in his house, not getting drunk. It's influenced him but he isn't drunk. I will be doing the exact same on Monday when I'm off and I'm a good mother despite having a few wines while my dinners made for me and H puts my youngest to bed.

Hell, I'm having a drink just now!

From personal experience OP, I know this behaviour and I know how irritating and anti social it is. DF is an alcoholic and this is how it started when I was a teenager - getting to the glassy eyed, useless stage a few times a week. It subsequently developed into full blown alcoholism. I'm not saying that is going to happen to your DH obviously, but habits can be dangerous. Lots of defensive posters on this thread but you are right to be hacked off and concerned.

This thread has been picked up by The Sun BTW

Wife slammed for ‘wining’ at hubby - The Sun
apple.news/AyU1KhWzkTSawA8FW4PfWzAapple.news/AyU1KhWzkTSawA8FW4PfWzA

There are some very defensive replies on this thread and I don't think YABU in the slightest OP. I would not be happy with my DH being visibly effected by alcohol in front of the kids this often, let alone the leaving everything to you part.

Effected? Affected???

Always struggle with those

Good god OP, what a joy you must be to spend time with! No wonder your DH drinks!

He gets a little tipsy, in his own home, once or twice a week and falls asleep at 9.30pm - what a none issue!

As previous posters have said, the drinking can't actually be the reason you're annoyed - nobody is that petty, surely?!

Good lord. The whole point of AIBU is in the title!!! I was ASKING for people's opinions so I KNEW people might disagree. (And oh you have!!!)

So thank you and good night. (And hello tabloid fame...)

Good god OP, what a joy you must be to spend time with! No wonder your DH drinks!

That’s not in the least funny. Her DH is responsible for his drinking.

Thanks LesDennishair. I was ready for people to criticise my thoughts about alcohol (again, I wouldn't have asked if I was sure I was in line with everyone else).

But I don't see why people have to attack me. Maybe I am miserable at home. And maybe that's not down to me.

So he's not pulling his weight, drinking heavily (three large glasses on an empty stomach is heavy), and upsetting his family.

It’s a problem. YANBU.

@nicknacky he was acting like a twat and then passed out-how is that not drunk enough for you? I'm glad that you can drink and still parent adequately (although my 'D' M thought the same and that most certainly was not the case) but OPs husband is not parenting at all. He's drinking too much. If it was just a couple of glasses no one would care, but he's drinking enough to be incapacitated.

The trouble is everyone has such different ideas of what is normal. For some people it's no alcohol. For others it is a bottle or two a night.
If drinking alcohol adversely affects your work or family or relationships it is a problem.
If you rely on it to unwind then it's a problem.
If you regularly binge drink (and a bottle is a binge) then it is a problem.
If you can't stop (just have the one) then it's a problem.
If you can't take it or leave it then it's a problem.
Problem drinkers don't have to be having vodka for breakfast or drinking all day to prevent the shakes.
It makes me sad that so many people think drinking like this is fine and anyone who disagrees is no fun.

"The trouble is everyone has such different ideas of what is normal. For some people it's no alcohol. For others it is a bottle or two a night. "

"Normal" is not always OK though. Nothing is OK, two bottles a week is OK. Two bottles a night is most definitely not OK.

Two bottles a week is 18 units of alcohol. The guidelines for men used to be 21 units of alcohol a week, now it is 14. 18 units is halfway between the two and IMO not excessive.

Regularly drinking a whole bottle and being bugger all use to the family isn't on. Not even if it's a couple of times a week. This is binge drinking.

Nearly a whole bottle of wine in two hours? It's no wonder he's glassy-eyed and then konks out.

Yep - I'd find that pretty annoying too if it happened more than once a month or so. And from other things you said it's impacting on your ability to have some quality time together. Is he using it to try and avoid you do you think?

Thanks Pengggwn I'll try and remember in future

I agree with Wolfiefan, you don't have to be drinking vodka for breakfast to have an alcohol problem. I think a lot of people are in denial about their drinking, although I could just be projecting as I used to drink too much myself and only realised that I was on the slippery slope to alcoholism after reading "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp.

Good god OP, what a joy you must be to spend time with! No wonder your DH drinks!

Don't be a dick.

Ferries I did ask him that when we talked the other day (not about the booze). He denied it. If he'd said anything to make me think he was doing it on purpose I'd have said we should split.

I had a bottle of wine last night no big deal imo only do it once a week 3 glasses is not a huge amount

Pengwyn- 'affect' can be a noun too. It can in music, at least.