To be unimpressed at DH having 3 large glasses of wine last night...

[RaisonableLady]

First off - I know there are many people who are dealing with properly serious alcohol issues and I don't suggest I'm in the same boat... this is just a question about habits...

So last night I got home at 7 and DH was on his first large glass of white. (The DCs had been with the childminder till then btw).

He had 2 more by the time I took the kids up to bed at about 8.45. He wasn't argumentative but - as DCs correctly pointed out - he was being blummin annoying... wittering on about nonsense, glassy-eyed...

It was an ordinary week-day evening. I wasn't drinking, so he was drinking alone - (I don't have much - which I know colours my view ). He hadn't finished work for the week - he wasn't celebrating anything - we were all just watching It Takes Two and Masterchef.

Unsurprisingly, he fell asleep, snoring loudly, on the sofa before 9.30.

Help!! I just don't understand the point of downing 6 units of alcohol on your own... But then he's not necking a whole bottle, doesn't do it every night... Thoughts welcome.

Drinking three cans of cider with your partner as a one off, is different to drinking a bottle of wine on your own, while watching masterchef with your children.

I must have the constitution of a mouse - if I drank three large glasses of wine or cans of cider I'd be well out of it. Guess I save money that way, as half a can would be enough to help me relax!

The NHS recommend men and women not to drink more than 14 units of alcohol a week, spread out over 3 or more nights. The OP's dh is drinking 10 units a night once or twice a week. So actually, yes, that is a problem regardless of anything else.

God forbid a grown up deciding to have 3 glasses of wine on a Thursday evening 🙄

I fail to see just what the problem is tbh. I had two Gins last night whilst I was cooking dinner AND in charge of two children 😮😮

I think being drunk and annoying/argumentative 1/2 a week is actually quite a lot for a bloke with family commitments, espesh if that's him cutting down.

Could he not make Friday OR Saturday night once the kids are in bed his night to drink unto tipsy?

Lighten up if it's not a regular thing then there's no harm.

She said it IS a regular feature.

As a one off it wouldn't bother me. This isn't a one off.

Standard night in for me.

I couldn’t get excited about it I am afraid

I had this argument with my DP yesterday. She was out at a dinner so I had an evening to myself - she came at 11 and I'd had somewhere between 1/2 and 2/3 of a bottle of wine on my own - she was horrified at the idea of me drinking on my own. I might do this once a fortnight, but she fears the idea of 'drinking on my own', whereas I don't see it as a big problem

My question would be whether OP also gets 1-2 evenings a week where she can opt out of any child or house related stuff and expect DH to cover with no warning? And if so, what happens if there's a clash, who gets priority? Doesn't have to be alcohol. The principle would be just the same if it were the gym, or smoking weed, or playing computer games (albeit the first wouldn't include him annoying everyone afterwards unless he insisted on coming home and wittering about his reps).

Why is he not helping you with the housework and childcare in the evening? This is far more the issue than his drinking.

I wouldn’t like it O.P.

He sounds a right boring old fart.

I had to stop drinking and I began to see how soon it does change people's behaviour. I never noticed when I was drinking myself, but now I can see changes in my friends' behaviour when they're into their second large (250 ml pub measures) glass. It's easy to say "he won't be drunk after that much" but it depends what you mean by "drunk." He'd be over the driving limit after three large (or even medium) glasses, for sure.

If it's happening often enough that it's becoming a problem in your life and the kids', the question is what you can do about it. It is his life and his decision in the end. Unless there is some temporary stress causing it, it tends to get worse over time. Some people end up losing their jobs and their marriages but they cannot be forcibly prevented.

You can't control him and you can make your relationship way worse if you try. You CAN influence his decisions but it's really important to go about it in a non-confrontational way. So if you decide to do something about this, don't speak to him before you've taken some qualified advice on what to say and how and when to say it.

Alcohol or not, the rule in our marriage is that neither of us sit on our arse relaxing while the other scurries around. If I'm busy doing something, DH will get on with something else, and vice versa. We both sit down to relax later on, watch a programme or chat with music or radio in background, etc, with a drink two or three times a week, but always together, never one but not the other. So I can see why the OP would be hacked off at this.

Did he have a bad day at work? Sometimes at work I think ‘id Love a drink later’, but then I never get round to it!! Maybe he did?
Agree I’d not drink 3 glasses in own but I’m not a big drinker either. Also bad to be like that around the kids.

Actually littlebird77 you are wrong - The posts on here assume he didn't do anything to help. I think that is very unlikely given the posts we have read so far. Why is that unlikely - that's exactly what happened.

He didn't do anything.

And Ravenmum he ticks two of your criteria for being annoyed -

• he decides to get so tipsy that he can't do any childcare, if we have not agreed that it is my night to do childcare - YES

• he knows that I can't have a drink but regularly drinks himself into a happy state in front of me, reminding me that I can't enjoy the same - YES

• he is obviously drunk in front of the kids/he's disturbing my efforts to deal with the kids - I WOULD SAY SO

And - for context - he hadn't had a hard day (he'd been out on his bike with his mate in the afternoon).

Not sure why people are saying it’s “unlikely” he didn’t help with the children. It read pretty clearly to me that he didn’t help at all, does everyone need such spoon feeding?

I think you know it's gotten to be too much when kids start pointing it out and getting upset.

If you were cooking dinner broom, you were doing more than DH was doing...

He was being very lazy and YWDNBU to be very annoyed about that, whether he was drinking or not.

i do find as a pp said coz its legal people gloss over it as a problem

if this was cannabis everyone would be saying ltb

I cant work out if he has a drinking problem or not - as someone else said - how often is often?

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if this was once or twice a week. Its not like hes been puking drunk, just a bit merry/sleepy drunk.

Does he have a stressful job? During a high stress period I have years ago, I used to have a glass (lightweight) and pass out early - lot of it was tiredness which I still do in the bath now

I don't see a problem with the wine, my husband and i do that a couple of nights a week. I do see a problem that he wasn't helping with childcare/dinner as we share childcare equally, we both change her, get her next day outfit out and do her bedtime routine, we then both prepare and cook dinner, he could drink his wine while helping you with dinner and he shouldn't miss it for half an hour to help you with the children at bedtime.
He needs to be pulling his weight

Whether or not the drinking is excessive, he's being selfish, then. YANBU to be annoyed.

@pinkdelight my husband regularly works on his various projects past midnight but that's besides the point. He started drinking at 7. The children didn't go to bed until nearly two hours later. Then the OP would have probably been up for a couple of hours after that. Even if he has no greater aspirations in life than to watch master chef with his wife he couldn't even manage that. He lost out on spending an evening with his children and then alone time with his wife because he was too drunk.