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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unimpressed at DH having 3 large glasses of wine last night...

188 replies

RaisonableLady · 17/11/2017 11:01

First off - I know there are many people who are dealing with properly serious alcohol issues and I don't suggest I'm in the same boat... this is just a question about habits...

So last night I got home at 7 and DH was on his first large glass of white. (The DCs had been with the childminder till then btw).

He had 2 more by the time I took the kids up to bed at about 8.45. He wasn't argumentative but - as DCs correctly pointed out - he was being blummin annoying... wittering on about nonsense, glassy-eyed...

It was an ordinary week-day evening. I wasn't drinking, so he was drinking alone - (I don't have much - which I know colours my view ). He hadn't finished work for the week - he wasn't celebrating anything - we were all just watching It Takes Two and Masterchef.

Unsurprisingly, he fell asleep, snoring loudly, on the sofa before 9.30.

Help!! I just don't understand the point of downing 6 units of alcohol on your own... But then he's not necking a whole bottle, doesn't do it every night... Thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
RandomDreams · 17/11/2017 11:21

He doesn't do it every night in your first post to he does it often in your second post, which is it?

PiffleandWiffle · 17/11/2017 11:22

I have a couple of beers whilst watching the apprentice, there's no "point" to it but I like to do it.

I like the taste & I'm an adult - maybe he feels the same??

Would it be more acceptable if it was on a Friday? If so, why?

Wolfiefan · 17/11/2017 11:22

How often is quite often?
A bottle of wine in one go is different from three small glasses.

ajandjjmum · 17/11/2017 11:22

What does 'quite often' mean - 3/4 times a week? Couple of times a month?

confused123456 · 17/11/2017 11:23

It's his choice. Granted my tolerance is high and a can drink a bottle of wine to muskeg in an evening without feeling tipsy. And I never get drunk or get hangovers.

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2017 11:24

I wouldn't like the drinking and I wouldn't like the way he was leaving you to do all the kid related work and pissing everyone off in the process. How infrequent an occurrence is this?

GabsAlot · 17/11/2017 11:27

so its not a one off he ha a problem

esp doing it in front of the kids-have u talked about his drinking with him not when hes drunk obviously

TheVanguardSix · 17/11/2017 11:31

Really annoying considering it's quite often.

I don't drink at all really, once in a very blue moon. So I understand what you mean when you say that your not drinking often colours your view.
But it sucks being with a drinker. And sorry, 6 units is a lot in one night if he's doing this quite often.
It's annoying because he renders himself useless. He opts out by necking too much booze to be a part of anything. It changes the family dynamic. If he fell asleep snoring after a long old slog of a day at work, I'd be cutting him enormous slack. But that's not the case.

Alcohol is shitty for a marriage. Yes, even the 6 units your DH is drinking is shitty for a marriage. People don't like to own up to this. But alcohol brings unhappiness into a marriage. I don't have a solution but I totally, totally support your feelings.

KitKat1985 · 17/11/2017 11:31

I agree with PP. It depends how often 'quite often' is. Several times a week I'd be getting annoyed / concerned. 2 or 3 times a month would be fine in my opinion.

mybestfriendisadog · 17/11/2017 11:34

YABU unless he's doing this every week. If this is happening mid-week, on a regular basis I'd say he's bored. If it really was just a one-off then i can't for the life of me understand your thread.

Original poster
RaisonableLady · 17/11/2017 11:34

Just seen some of the other posts...

It's not every night, but it is fairly often. Used to be 2-3 nights a week, now maybe 1-2.

Yes, my hackles were raised when I saw him drinking the first one because I knew how things would go.

But I didn't prompt the kids. They were annoyed all by themselves.

They were large glasses, he had three and he hadn't eaten. He was definitely glassy eyed - so had enough to cause that, whatever that means about his tolerance...

Yes, he has a right to relax (I think he manages this quite well TBH) but so do I.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/11/2017 11:34

I quite often fall asleep on the sofa by 9:30... no alcohol required 😴

Needmoresleep · 17/11/2017 11:35

Is he going through a period of stress?

Life is quite tough at the moment, and I sometimes find myself waiting to get through till about 6.00pm and then opening a bottle. Alcohol as a short cut to relaxation. However this is far from every night, and something I avoid when things are easier. I also have the occasional girls night out where we drink far too much. Being a parent and working can have periods of dull and stressful grind. DH rarely drinks, but will take a whole Sunday afternoon out and watch Sky Sport as his undemanding downtime.

I would focus on whether he needs "me-time" and what this constitutes. And what is a sensible balance between what he needs and what the family/work need.

LesDennishair · 17/11/2017 11:36

It just really annoys me. He does it quite often. He wasn't drunk drunk - that's true. But it did affect him.

This would be annoying. Worrying even if it's very often.

BabyOrSanta · 17/11/2017 11:36

I may be reading it differently to others but, to me, it reads:
OP finished work, picks up DC, goes home
DH already home drinking wine
OP gets dinner/bath/bed sorted for DC
DH still drinking wine and getting to be a PITA, talking on about nonsense, enough so that DC pick up on it
OP goes to sit down for some adult time, DH is asleep on the sofa, making lots of noise so she can't hear the TV and generally gets pissed off as she's, effectively, done all the parenting/adult stuff and hasn't had any down time and now can't even watch the TV without putting a pillow over DH face

I think I would be pissed off at that as he's had all night "off" plus he's been irritating and hasn't even took himself to bed so the tv can be watched in peace

LagunaBubbles · 17/11/2017 11:36

plus if he's being argumentative that makes it ten times worse

The OP states he wasnt being argumentative though.

livefornaps · 17/11/2017 11:36

Sorry, but he does have a problem

mybestfriendisadog · 17/11/2017 11:37

your real issue sounds like you're in a rut - i re-read your posts, you sound as though you feel overworked (if you're coming in from work and then doing everything) and he sounds bored.

I don't think it''s a booze problem as such, I reckon you and DH need to have a chat about who does what and what's fair in terms of free time and how he can enliven his life.

It'd naff most of us off if one partner regularly parked their behind whilst we did everything, if you don't get time off at other tiimes?

LagunaBubbles · 17/11/2017 11:37

If there are times hes argumentative and this time he wasnt is this the last straw? Is it more to do with him not helping with your children?

whosebootsaretheseshoes · 17/11/2017 11:38

What BabyorSanta said.

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2017 11:38

1-2 nights per week and used to be more! Is not not able to relax without getting pissed? Could he leave it alone for a month?

mindutopia · 17/11/2017 11:38

I would say that would be pretty standard for me on a Friday or Saturday night (well, not now that I'm pregnant). I don't often drink during the week, though occasionally I might if it was a particularly stressful day. I also drink alone if no one else is drinking (my husband would have the same on the weekends, but maybe not on a week night, or he might on a week night when I don't). I don't really see the issue with it, unless it's a regular thing (more nights per week than not) or you depend on him to drive you places and he can't. He's a grown up though. You might not see the 'need' but he can eat and drink what he wants. I imagine he was just stressed, had had a rough day, and maybe had a bit more than usual. But if he's not violent or not getting up to go to work the next day, then I don't think it's a problem.

TheEricaOlthwaiteGang · 17/11/2017 11:41

If he's drinking a couple of glasses of wine, kicking back in front of the TV and minding his own business then fine.

If he's wobbling around, glassy-eyed and talking shit to the kids then unimpressive.

TheNaze73 · 17/11/2017 11:41

YABU

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2017 11:44

I read it like BabyorSanta.

That the annoyance was less at the wine, more at the lazy arse DH who hit yo 'relax' while she sorted everything out and then was sofa-blocking by 9.30pm.

If he was home first, without DC, dinner should have been on and/or DC taken to bed by him.