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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unimpressed at DH having 3 large glasses of wine last night...

188 replies

RaisonableLady · 17/11/2017 11:01

First off - I know there are many people who are dealing with properly serious alcohol issues and I don't suggest I'm in the same boat... this is just a question about habits...

So last night I got home at 7 and DH was on his first large glass of white. (The DCs had been with the childminder till then btw).

He had 2 more by the time I took the kids up to bed at about 8.45. He wasn't argumentative but - as DCs correctly pointed out - he was being blummin annoying... wittering on about nonsense, glassy-eyed...

It was an ordinary week-day evening. I wasn't drinking, so he was drinking alone - (I don't have much - which I know colours my view ). He hadn't finished work for the week - he wasn't celebrating anything - we were all just watching It Takes Two and Masterchef.

Unsurprisingly, he fell asleep, snoring loudly, on the sofa before 9.30.

Help!! I just don't understand the point of downing 6 units of alcohol on your own... But then he's not necking a whole bottle, doesn't do it every night... Thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 17/11/2017 12:19

I don’t think the wine is the issue at all, but the fact that he was a bit antisocial with it, and that the DC noticed it. Difficult, though, as we only have the OP’s side of it.

I don’t think it’s worthy of an AIBU post. Hmm

TheVeryThing · 17/11/2017 12:21

Nicknacky and everyone else who says they do this regularly, are you noticeably drunk and annoying your family to the extent that your children have picked up on it?
That is the significant issue for me.

QueSera · 17/11/2017 12:23

YAB ridiculously U. I feel sorry for your DH.

Nicknacky · 17/11/2017 12:24

He was tipsy. As a one off to be tipsy in front of the children it's not the end of the world. My kids have seen me tipsy at weddings etc.

Rolling about drunk is a different issue and he wasn't doing that. Noes in his home having a few drinks.

JessicaEccles · 17/11/2017 12:28

annoying your family to the extent that your children have picked up on it?

Oh please! Wait until they are teenagers and doing the exact same thing!

monkeywithacowface · 17/11/2017 12:35

It would annoy me but then again I can take or leave alcohol and don't understand why it's so important to some people. Personally I think 3 large classes sat on the sofa is excessive but I suppose people who do this a lot are going to poo poo it as perfectly normal and healthy.

Wolfiefan · 17/11/2017 12:36

If your drinking affects your relationships and family then you're a problem drinker.

timeforabrewnow · 17/11/2017 12:36

The OP is getting a really hard time on here.

No YANBU - if people would read the posts it says that he didn't even eat dinner - just had his 3 large glasses of wine.

I would say he has a big problem if he is doing this twice a week, every week.

All those saying 'oh, it's only a few glasses of wine - leave the poor bloke alone' should maybe think what their alcohol intake is, and how much damage is being done to their livers and kids. Every time you're drunk, even mildly so, the kids will notice that you're not present.

Sure you can choose to do that, and you're also choosing how to bring up your kids badly

babyboomersrock · 17/11/2017 12:37

Well, maybe it would help if OP told us what her poor "henpecked" husband actually contributed that evening?

She says why do I have to have my evening spoilt by him snoring his head off just when I get to sit down after a full day working, cooking dinner and putting the DCs to bed?

That to me sounds as though she did the lion's share of the work while he sat around. He certainly hadn't bothered doing anything by the time she got home. Is that ok? Not in my world.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 17/11/2017 12:42

can you just imagine the uproar if op had decided to have a few glasses of wine at the end of a long day to be confronted by so much judging and negativity from her dh. There would be many that would say he was a controlling and coercive partner, so why not the other way around?

Exactly. Can you see the post: I had a couple of glasses of wine and fell asleep on the couch, and he is complaining because he is bored and I'm supposed to be a companion to him, even if I'm tired.

Itd be LTB from the first post

IsaSchmisa · 17/11/2017 12:43

The drink is a red herring. It's the unilateral decision to opt out of all child and house stuff for the evening and assume OP will sort it all for him that's the problem here.

zzzzz · 17/11/2017 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laiste · 17/11/2017 12:51

I don't think any of us here are really in a position to judge OP. You know what it's like living him. Maybe post on the Relationships board and give a bit more detail.

You say he used to drink more.
He gets argumentative.
He doesn't pull his weight when he's drinking.
The children are noticing.

Do you get panicy when he drinks?

DH is a registered alcoholic. His problems are behind him as much as it's possible for them to be. We're lucky, he's worked hard. One other of his siblings has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Over the years i've quietly formed the opinion that his mother has (at the very least) contributed to the problem when DH was young by needing alcohol to unwind. Needing alcohol to be sociable at family do's. Needing alcohol to have a good time. Needing alcohol to celebrate anything. Needing alcohol because it's a bit cheeky and that's what you do a few times a week when you've worked hard.

It's food for thought. It's just my opinion.
Sorry for the ramble.

Freddiewinifred10 · 17/11/2017 12:53

While it wasn’t a terrible thing to do, especially if it is not something he does most nights, I understand your feelings. As someone who doesn’t drink much, I actually find it quite sad when I see my husband ‘self medicating’ like this with alcohol. It’s not like it was a social event and he had three glasses over the course of a meal. He had a bottle(or almost a bottle) of wine while watching tv with his wife and young kids by 8:30, then passed out. If it was any other drug, this wouldn’t be socially acceptable. He obviously wanted to just switch off, after a stressful/busy day. Whilst this is totally understandable, I think using any drug to achieve this effect, whilst watching tv with your children and wife, is not that healthy. You have my sympathies op.

SusannahL · 17/11/2017 13:00

This thread and the replies certainly highlights the attitude to alcohol which is prevalent in this country at the moment.

Three large glasses of wine is over the recommended limit per day, and I would also be annoyed if my husband drank that much in one evening.

No wonder 'drunken Brits' have got such a bad reputation abroad.

monkeywithacowface · 17/11/2017 13:02

Hmm but you are minimising it to try and prove your point hotbuttered. The OP said 3 large classes of wine, was behaving annoyingly and then fell asleep. Nothing like your supposed role reversal suggestion of a "couple of classes and a sleep".

If an OP said I drink 3 large classes of wine a couple of times a week when I'm stressed my opinion would be the same

exWifebeginsat40 · 17/11/2017 13:06

you are not being unreasonable. watching someone having a party for one is heartsinkingly sad. do you think he has ‘private’ drinks before you get home, or a stash?

it’s a problem because it’s affecting your relationship and your family. speak to him when he’s sober. if he won’t at least moderate a bit further, knowing the stress the drinking puts you under, he might need to examine his actions.

and as for all the ‘i just like the taste’ people? bollocks. unless you are a medical marvel who is impervious to the effects of alcohol, you are drinking to change the way you feel. you have just found your preferred flavour.

full disclosure: recovering alcoholic, 3.5 years sober

working925 · 17/11/2017 13:07

I'm genuinely amazed this is such a big deal.

Dadstheworld · 17/11/2017 13:13

I think the main issue is checking out of childcare duties.

idril · 17/11/2017 13:16

It would annoy me too and I'm pretty sure that if I did the same my husband would also get annoyed with me. Neither of us would do it but we both enjoy a drink on the weekend or special occasions.

Three large glasses of wine for no special occasion and mid-week is a lot in my opinion especially when it interferes with normal mid-week chores.

JJforever · 17/11/2017 13:17

I wouldn't be happy about the not getting help with the kids in the evening, but that is where my problem would lie.

I would happily have 3 glasses of wine a couple of nights a week (currently dieting so don't really at the moment) and really don't see it as an issue. DH tends to drink less at home than i do but goes out a bit more. I'd be pissed off if I thought he was monitoring me.

picklemepopcorn · 17/11/2017 13:19

I’d be irritated if I came home from work having collected the children, put them to bed, possibly organised a meals though you don’t mention that- while he sat on the sofa drinking then fell asleep.

It’s not so much the amount, as the attitude- he can take a relaxant and switch off while you are still bustling about. Unless you take turns? Maybe tonight, he gets the children and puts them to bed while you have a lovely long bath!

SarahH12 · 17/11/2017 13:19

I don't see the big deal. DP and I both drank 3 cans of cider each last night for no other reason than we just felt like it. As long as it's not a regular thing I don't see the issue.

Freddiewinifred10 · 17/11/2017 13:21

Working925 can you see that if someone said their husband had gone outside and smoked a joint at seven thirty, then come in to watch tv glassy eyed, wittering on in a stupid way in front of the children, before passing out, people’s responses would be very different. Why is ok just because the drug alcohol is legal? Similarly, I would feel sad if my partner came home and took a couple of vallium with me and the kids before watching master chef, so he could relax. I would be worried about the fact he needed to do that. I think lots of people in this country are in total denial about alcohol misuse, and the responses on this thread illustrate it.

Olivetappas · 17/11/2017 13:23

Lighten up if it's not a regular thing then there's no harm. Besides if he feels groggy today then it's his own fault Grin