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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unimpressed at DH having 3 large glasses of wine last night...

188 replies

RaisonableLady · 17/11/2017 11:01

First off - I know there are many people who are dealing with properly serious alcohol issues and I don't suggest I'm in the same boat... this is just a question about habits...

So last night I got home at 7 and DH was on his first large glass of white. (The DCs had been with the childminder till then btw).

He had 2 more by the time I took the kids up to bed at about 8.45. He wasn't argumentative but - as DCs correctly pointed out - he was being blummin annoying... wittering on about nonsense, glassy-eyed...

It was an ordinary week-day evening. I wasn't drinking, so he was drinking alone - (I don't have much - which I know colours my view ). He hadn't finished work for the week - he wasn't celebrating anything - we were all just watching It Takes Two and Masterchef.

Unsurprisingly, he fell asleep, snoring loudly, on the sofa before 9.30.

Help!! I just don't understand the point of downing 6 units of alcohol on your own... But then he's not necking a whole bottle, doesn't do it every night... Thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 17/11/2017 11:44

“Unless he is a super lightweight I’d be very surprised he was drunk.”

I don’t think you have to be a super lightweight to get drunk on a bottle of wine Hmm

If he is doing this 1 – 2 nights a week I don’t see the problem with the quantity. I think you are annoyed because he absolved all responsibility for sorting out the children, washing up etc and leaving it all to you.

RedSkyAtNight · 17/11/2017 11:44

1-2 nights a week doesn't sounds like a big deal. If he went out once or twice a week in the evening, no one would think that was excessive.

Sounds like the real issue is how it affects him?

4teens · 17/11/2017 11:45

Also seemingly against the flow, I think I understand where you're coming from. Being the sober parent all the time is hard. Can you talk to him and tell him it upsets you? I only ask as I have been/am here, and talking doesn't seem to help as in he shrugs it off, says it's not a problem, which, it seems, everyone here is saying too. But if it is upsetting you it is a problem. And small problems grow...
Hugs anyway, and I hope it is all sorted now x

theftbyfinding · 17/11/2017 11:47

I'd be annoyed he wasn't doing any parenting while you did the lot. Why is that division of labour not more equal?

babyboomersrock · 17/11/2017 11:47

Lots of defensive responses here, OP. Your DH sounds like an extra child.

You got home at 7pm, the DC had been at the childminder until then, and you then had to make dinner, tidy up and get the DC to bed while he sat there drinking, and later snoring?

Why didn't he pick up the DC, get them home and make dinner for all of you? Why didn't he get them to bed while you tidied up after dinner, or vice versa?

And finally, why do so many women live like this?

ladystarkers · 17/11/2017 11:48

And what?Hmm

needtogiveitablow · 17/11/2017 11:48

Speaking from experience I’d say this isn’t an alcohol issue. It’s definitely more a lack of sharing responsibility in the house.

user1495451339 · 17/11/2017 11:49

I'd be less annoyed if he had helped with cooking and putting the kids to bed but the way you have made it sound is he sits there drinking while you do everything, even though you have both been at work all day. That is not on!

ShellyBoobs · 17/11/2017 11:49

A few drinks ‘1-2 times per week’ ?

Definitely LTB.

Confused
Wolfiefan · 17/11/2017 11:50

A bottle of wine on two days? That's 18 plus units over those two days. Not healthy.
He shouldn't be leaving the kids to you?
Can't he stop after a glass or so?

littlebird77 · 17/11/2017 11:51

Honestly won't you give the poor guy a break, so he had a few glasses to unwind, and because you can't drink very much due to your medication this is rubbing you up the wrong way.

Unless he does this almost/or every night, I would not be in the least bit worried. He is an adult, a fully functioning capable responsible person, if he has a mild hangover today then that is his choice.

You sound like his mother. I would do a little less judging and would try to the lighten the mood in the evenings a little it all sounds very intense. Work nights no fun and no laughs or wittering allowed (reads most nights) that is pretty most of his life....

QuopQuop · 17/11/2017 11:53

I had two bottles the other night. Grin

ravenmum · 17/11/2017 11:53

It would annoy me if ...

  • he decides to get so tipsy that he can't do any childcare, if we have not agreed that it is my night to do childcare
  • he is obviously drunk in front of the kids
  • he's disturbing my efforts to deal with the kids
  • he knows that I can't have a drink but regularly drinks himself into a happy state in front of me, reminding me that I can't enjoy the same
  • he's buying expensive wine just for himself and we're on a budget

Otherwise not so much.

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/11/2017 11:55

I like a drink. I don’t think having a drink and being in charge of children makes you the devil incarnate, though getting actually drunk is questionable at best.

However the problem here seems less he has a drink a couple of times a week and more that he decided he can “chill” before you’ve even got home and then doesn’t help with the children. That absolutely would piss me off. Massively.

littlebird77 · 17/11/2017 11:57

The posts on here assume he didn't do anything to help. I think that is very unlikely given the posts we have read so far. How do we know he didn't help cook? Or didn't tidy up afterwards? You can drink a glass of wine and do things as you go. You have him painted as someone laid out feet up wine in hand whilst the cinderella wife scuttles around after him. I can't see op being that, so it is almost insulting to her.

I don't usually come down on the dh side, can count how many times on less than one hand, but feel sorry for the poor sod I really do.

Henpecked.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 17/11/2017 11:57

I'd be annoyed and bored if DH feel asleep on the sofa at 9.30pm

Why? Are you under the impression he exists to entertain you?

I'd be fucked off if my spouse was "annoyed and bored" because I fell asleep when I was tired Hmm

Bluetrews25 · 17/11/2017 12:02

I'm very much in the minority, but if he's having a bottle (near enough) a few nights a week, talking crap enough to make you all wary of him and for the DCs to comment unfavourably, not pulling his weight, etc then it is causing a problem.
If he wasn't drunk on that amount, does that mean he has boosted his tolerance? If he used to drink more, why did he feel the need to cut down or is he still doing it in private?
Drinking alcohol is very much normal behaviour, and loads do it, but I have seen too many people die from this, makes me very aware how many people have more of an issue than they will admit to.
If it's bad enough to make you post about it on here, you know that there is a problem I bet there's more to this, sorry, OP

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2017 12:03

Falling adleep when you are tired is a bit different to falling asleep because youve necked a bottle of wine and are pissed. And yes, companionship is one of the things I look for in a partner.Hmm

ginandnappies · 17/11/2017 12:03

I had 3 large glasses of wine last night

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 17/11/2017 12:05

Falling adleep when you are tired is a bit different to falling asleep because youve necked a bottle of wine and are pissed

Not really. The outcome is the same, if you fall asleep then you were tired, irrespective of wine. And it wasn't a bottle.

And yes, companionship is one of the things I look for in a partner

Yes, but they do not owe you that companionship on your terms alone. You do not get to tell people when they can sleep or when they can drink, because you imagine your needs come first.

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2017 12:10

Nothing wrong with having a few glasses of wine to relax but it sounds like it makes him quite antisocial

littlebird77 · 17/11/2017 12:12

hotnuttercrumpetsandtea

Agree with this post, it is otherwise known as 'controlling behaviour'
can you just imagine the uproar if op had decided to have a few glasses of wine at the end of a long day to be confronted by so much judging and negativity from her dh. There would be many that would say he was a controlling and coercive partner, so why not the other way around?

HandbagCrazy · 17/11/2017 12:13

I don’t think the fact that he had a drink on a week night or the amount is the problem. Both DH and I have had a few drinks after work if it has been particularly stressful / busy / we fancied it - sometimes this is together, sometimes one of us drinks and the other doesn’t.

The issue here is the effect on you and your children. If my DH was argumentative or annoying after a drink, I’d have a problem with that tbh, especially if he was glassy eyed enough that children noticed.

What has he said when you’ve discussed it? I think you need to meet in the middle - you can’t stop him drinking so you need to control your reaction to it, however, in the interest of your relationship, he needs to control it so he’s not drunk or noticeably effecting the kids (he should make sure he eats before starting first of all).

Nicknacky · 17/11/2017 12:17

This could be me. I'm frequently on the sofa glass of wine in hand while H makes dinner. And our youngest insists on him only taking her to bed.

I would be well fucked if he decided to speak to me about my "issue" or control . I'm an adult and will drink wine if I want.

A few glasses once or twice a week is not a problem.

TheVeryThing · 17/11/2017 12:18

My main issue would be that he's was noticeably tipsy in front of the dcs.
I would really not be happy with the children picking up on the fact tat he had too much to drink.

I drink very little but my dh has a couple of beers most nights. However, it has no effect on him.
I would find it intensely irritating if my dh was talking nonsense and noticeably drunk. Fine on a special occasion or night out, but not on a regular week night.