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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re: staff visiting employer in hospital

177 replies

ChangeyNamey1893 · 17/11/2017 00:51

My MIL recently became critically ill after a long illness. She was cared for at home by a maid.

She got very ill and eventually had to go in to hospital where she sadly died a week after being admitted. During the week she was in hospital we only had immediate family visiting (her husband, her children, their partners, her brothers and her husband's siblings).

Later when arranging the funeral the maid was told which days would be best for her to attend. She had a bit of a go at FIL and made it clear she was annoyed and upset that she hadn't been allowed to visit in hospital (he ignored this).

Were we being unreasonable to not have her visit? I wouldn't expect to go and visit my boss on his deathbed! This maid although nice is prone to being over emotional and also a source of irritation and exasperation for MIL.

OP posts:
becotide · 18/11/2017 14:41

Er, this wasn't "Staff" or "A maid", this was her carer. Do you not do emotions in your family???

BakedBeans47 · 18/11/2017 14:43

No seeing I think that would probably have been quite different but the relationship would probably also be seen to be quite different

altiara · 18/11/2017 14:59

Read half the thread 😳
My thoughts were if MIL was admitted to hospital as critically ill then wouldn’t they only let in immediate family anyway? (Am in UK)
My friend tried to visit me when I was critically ill in hospital and wasn’t allowed onto the ward I was on.

Otherwise, it’s hard to know what to do, maybe if FIL told the maid to visit she’d have felt obliged to but didn’t want to and would’ve had to work longer hours to compensate for the ‘visit’ time.

I’d just stick with sorry for your loss, immediate family only were allowed to visit, we were expecting her to be in hospital for longer.

Flowers
mustbemad17 · 18/11/2017 15:04

My attitude would be different seeing but then if it was a meighbour who hadn't provided intimate care for the MiL when she was ill I wouldn't be so cross.

If the woman was good enough to be used as a carer after five years of service to MiL then she should have been good enough to consider when MiL was in hospital. That's my opinion

MrsPworkingmummy · 18/11/2017 15:12

@WorraLiberty I agree completely!

OP, you sound cold-hearted and cruel and I think you have been completely unreasonable. Your maid (a human being!!!!) is perfectly entitled to show her emotions you horrible woman, and I think you are essentially trying to dehumanise her if you are expecting her not to show she is upset after working for, and living with, your MIL for 5 years. I don't understand, or like, your mentality at all.

ForalltheSaints · 18/11/2017 15:17

I think it was unreasonable. Not just to the maid (to use the OPs words), but perhaps to the MIL who was in her last few days of life. If they had a good relationship, her visiting may have been welcomed by the MIL, if her health allowed her to recognise the maid.

Italiangreyhound · 19/11/2017 02:04

bigbluebus I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

lazy and mix your posts are very rude. You do realise that the OP is not the chief mourner (she is married to the manwvo has lost his mother).

ZombieVampireHedgehog · 19/11/2017 02:16

It's really weird as when a person is in their final moments the strangest people come out of the wood work. I remember with my aunt & uncle dying, a family I didn't even knew my aunt and uncle on both occasions kept almost a bedside vigil.

I saw my aunt and uncle most days, was really close, in decades had never really seen this other family I knew. They were pretty much there right up till death. My own family have this thing of remembering people at their best. My Nan looked after both of them for years as neighbours, she refused to visit as both were in a bad way and were barely coherent.

I visited my aunt and for the first time saw how cancer looks like at the end, the only good thing was when I said I was 'going to the loo' the other woman came out and gave me a hug as it was a shock.

My Nan says some people will going to anyone's funeral no matter how well they knew the person.

Italiangreyhound · 19/11/2017 02:42

MrsPworkingmummy you do realise your post is to a grieving woman? I don't understand your mentality in speaking in this way. Even if you disagree with the OP you don't need to speak in that way.

It was the dying woman who did not want emotions shown not the OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2017 05:26

Crikey MrsP.
Did you enjoy calling the op a horrid woman? Your post is disgusting.

Sylv2017 · 19/11/2017 09:33

@changeynamey1893 sorry for your loss Flowers

My Nan had her children visiting only. This was her wish. We are a close family but respected her decision.

I think it's less about the maid and more about what your MIL would have wanted. If all you've done as a family is try to enact what she would have wanted then imo ywnbu.

shrunkenhead · 19/11/2017 16:36

Italiangreyhound, I wouldn't worry, they don't "do emotion" so doubt they do offended either. How anyone can ask a close family friend, or "maid ", to not turn up because of the risk they might "get emotional" is bizarre.....If someone I care deeply about was on their deathbed then I'd be unable to hold back the tears, it's called being human.

NancyJoan · 19/11/2017 16:49

This woman, I imagine, helped your MIL to bathe, dress, perhaps helped her into bed at night and fed her if she not feeling well. A more intimate relationship than any of her children had with her. She probably feels like she’s lost a member of her own family.

FlakeBook · 19/11/2017 17:46

I hope that if I'm on my deathbed visiting won't be restricted to family. I have friends I adore and first degree relatives who are the last people I'd want around me.

Italiangreyhound · 19/11/2017 22:09

shrunkenhead actually it is very possible to hold back the tears when around a dying person if you feel it is right for them. It Doran't mean one I'd not upset, sad or emotional. It means you can put another's needs above your own. Lots of people grieve one way, lots another. Don't assume because there are not masses of tears in public that there is no feeling or emotion.

Italiangreyhound · 19/11/2017 22:14

FlakeBook if you want friends at your death bed, make your wishes know as the OP's MIL did, and hope they are respected, as OP's MIL's were.

RavingRoo · 19/11/2017 22:20

Sounds like over the past 5 years your mil saw her maid more than her son. In that situation of course you should have allowed her to visit, that was very wrong. Having a maid isn’t like having an employee for people who aren’t super rich, they would be being sociable to mil, stepping in above basic duties, having conversation etc.

Italiangreyhound · 19/11/2017 22:27

But don't we all see people we work with more than immediate family if we do not live with immediate family as adults?

I saw my colleagues more than I saw my mum when I left home! If I had been ill and dying while my mum was alive, would she be expected to take into consideration my colleagues feelings, above my own?

I understand the living in aspect makes it more difficult to distinguish friend from family or employee from family but people seem determined to see the maid's point of view above the wishes of the deceased and family.

Why do the maids wishes trump the deceased's wishes?

junebirthdaygirl · 19/11/2017 23:48

My dm died this Summer. She had two carers for the last 3 to 4 years of her life that she was very fond of. We wouldnt have dreamt of having them visit her in hospital for her final week and they wouldnt have dreamt of asking. It was family only.
They came to her funeral and both cried and were very gracious and sympathic to us and spike so kindly about our dm. We also were very grateful for their years of care.
I think ye did the right thing op.

Italiangreyhound · 19/11/2017 23:52

June I am sorry for your loss. My mum died last year too. Her carers in the care home cried when she died too. They were lovely people who did a fabulous job.

Original poster
ChangeyNamey1893 · 20/11/2017 01:06

I did write a long post but then deleted it because I don't think anything I write will change some of your minds about me and my family.

Instead I'll just direct some of you to Matthew 7:3 which refers to you attempting to remove a splinter from my eye with no regard for the plank in yours.

Flowers and thanks to those who have responded with empathy and kindness even if you disagree with me. Especially those who have shared their own stories of loss, it's an awful thing that everyone must go through.

OP posts:
Whyamistillawake · 20/11/2017 09:12

OP, could you explain why that is relevant? I don't have any planks in my eye thanks. I am happy my maid is treated with decency and common respect. That may have been the case here too but it us completely understandable that she would have been upset at being excluded because she was deemed an employee akin to a lawyer or accountant.

Original poster
ChangeyNamey1893 · 20/11/2017 09:45

I feel like a more constructive discussion might have been possible if some posters had treated me with the respect, kindness and understanding that they believe I failed to display.

But hey, do as I say not as I do, right?

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 20/11/2017 09:50

I can’t follow your thinking at all and those of my family who live in South Asia and have live in staff would have been expected to make more of an effort under the circumstances. Behaviour like yours would have been considered very rude, bereavement or no bereavement.

Clandestino · 20/11/2017 10:14

I feel like a more constructive discussion might have been possible if some posters had treated me with the respect, kindness and understanding that they believe I failed to display.

So you explained us how a servant isn't your equal and will never be and then get insulted when we treat you as an equal and tell you you are being very BU? If this were a domestic help forum, your position would be understandable. But this is Mums talking to Mums, where the social standing, class and bank accounts are irrelevant.