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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re: staff visiting employer in hospital

177 replies

ChangeyNamey1893 · 17/11/2017 00:51

My MIL recently became critically ill after a long illness. She was cared for at home by a maid.

She got very ill and eventually had to go in to hospital where she sadly died a week after being admitted. During the week she was in hospital we only had immediate family visiting (her husband, her children, their partners, her brothers and her husband's siblings).

Later when arranging the funeral the maid was told which days would be best for her to attend. She had a bit of a go at FIL and made it clear she was annoyed and upset that she hadn't been allowed to visit in hospital (he ignored this).

Were we being unreasonable to not have her visit? I wouldn't expect to go and visit my boss on his deathbed! This maid although nice is prone to being over emotional and also a source of irritation and exasperation for MIL.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/11/2017 07:24

Everyone irritates each other in one way or another. It depends if your mil had a deeper connection with the maid despite the irritation.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/11/2017 07:25

I don’t see how it’s possible to care for someone and not be attached.

SueSueDonahue · 17/11/2017 07:30

I have lived abroad and had a live in maid recently.

Yes I feel your family were very unreasonable. Your FIL should definitely apologise.

hungryradish · 17/11/2017 07:35

Seems like a very cold view to take - she is a human being with feelings/emotions & after 5 years of working for someone, you would be grieving in your own way too. I would 100% visit my boss in hospital!

ALemonyPea · 17/11/2017 07:37

Sorry for your loss.

YABU not to let her visit. She had worked for your MIL for 5 years, they’ve built a relationship in that time. To deny her her final goodbyes was just cruel and uncaring.

MeganBacon · 17/11/2017 07:40

I know that I questioned for many long years after my dm died if I did things properly on her death bed. I hadn't prepared myself mentally for sitting with her and questioned whether I had been brave enough, said the right things, etc. I think in the end you need to accept that you made the best decisions and did the best you could at a very stressful time.
But the maid is likely to be grieving too, so please be kind to her too.

Hellywelly10 · 17/11/2017 07:41

Very unkind and cruel of your fil. Your likely not to get much sympathy from a UK based forum. Never met anyone who has a maid.

DivisionBelle · 17/11/2017 07:43

My Mum’s weekly cleaner, and the professionsl career who comes in for half an hour every morning are her lifelines. They send her postcards when they go away, she listens to their family chit chat and sends seeets for their grandchildren.

I would fully expect them to want to visit if Mum was seriously ill and I would help them by giving them a lift.

Str4ngedaysindeed · 17/11/2017 07:44

If I was this poor 'maid' I would be looking for a new job where I would be treated with a little more kindness and compassion to be honest. I'm pleased I don't live in this country, wherever it is, that still thinks it's in the 19th century. Awful.

Notreallyarsed · 17/11/2017 07:45

when you're sitting vigil by your mother's death bed, you'll let all her friends, colleagues, cleaner, maybe lawyer, dentist...anyone who express an interest...file past her

Actually we did let people who had been close to her, including the lovely woman who cleaned for my parents twice a week and still does for my dad which makes her a fucking hero in my book because he’s a nightmare with housework and various people from the church. Friends came up from England, people she hadn’t seen for years came. As long as it wasn’t stressing her out, we never closed the door to visitors.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/11/2017 07:54

No you didn’t do anything wrong as you followed your MIL’s Express wishes to have no one crying at her bedside

If she’d wanted to see her she’d have asked to have her at the bedside

Flowers no idea why you’re getting a hard time for following a dying persons wishes

bigbluebus · 17/11/2017 08:00

Entirely your family's decision about who visited at the hospital. However I think you are unfair to decide how upset and distraught the maid should be at the loss of your MIL/employer.
My disabled DD had many different carers in different settings during her 22 years - none of them live in. Many of them were distraught at the news of her death including carers who only looked after her for 10 hours a week. Good carers are good for a reason - because they genuinely care - lets face it, they don't do it for the money. Although the maid had only assumed the role of carer for a short while, she had a long term connection with your MIL. I know my DM and DMIL both value(d) their cleaners as friends/companions as well as employees - and they only visited weekly.

diddl · 17/11/2017 08:04

If she exasperated your MIL then ywprobablynu to not have her visit.

YWU to have her be MILs carer.

isthistoonosy · 17/11/2017 08:04

Not exactly the same but when my mum died we (her and my siblings) allowed some of her students to visit, and we allowed her form class to lay flowers on her coffin alongside those from us (her daughters).

No it isn't what we or mum really wanted in those last few days, but they were also grieving too and they needed to be involved in some way.

isthistoonosy · 17/11/2017 08:06

Sorry I mean they visited her before she died.

Notevilstepmother · 17/11/2017 08:07

I’m not sure where you live but it sounds Victorian to me.

Can’t have the staff getting ideas above their station.

Thetreesareallgone · 17/11/2017 08:10

You say that this 'maid' only cared for your MIL for the last few days (when she was very ill and couldn't make her wishes known)- but in your OP you say she had a long illness, in which case, it's very likely that the live-in person with her was 'caring' for her in multiple small ways all the time as well as running the household.

She did care for your MIL for that five years in the broadest sense, as a job, like most carers in nursing homes/paid for, and strong attachments do form. You say your MIL was irritated by her, that's normal when you live with people! Probably your MIL irritated her but she just had to suck it up as that was her job. Nevertheless, she was the one doing the caring at the end (presumably very stressful and close personal care) and not anyone else.

I don't believe in trying to control other people to this extent, if your MIL was aware, then if she cried, she would have told her to stop. If your MIL was not aware by this point, which I get the impression she wasn't, then a few tears on her part, quickly suppressed, would have made no difference at all.

You are grieving and this woman is too, not in the same way, but you didn't live with your MIL for five years, day and night, she wasn't 'family', it's all different relationships and you can't control her feelings on the matter, unfortunately.

PerfectlyDone · 17/11/2017 08:11

In principle, live-in help can v much become part of the family IME and yes, would warrant being 'allowed' to visit an employer in hospital.

Only you know your family's exact circumstances and whether your MiL would have welcomed her maid's visit - sounds like she would have either been too ill to appreciate the visit or not been so keen as the main annoyed her at times.

You are under no obligation to include the maid in visits just because that is what SHE would have liked.

My gran's live-in help was very much a part of the family and we are still in contact with her now, 3 years after my gran has passed away.
And our nanny? Wild horses could not keep her away should any of my kids end up in hospital.

I am sorry for your [loss]

LazyDailyMailJournos · 17/11/2017 08:12

Well one can only hope that the source of the '"exasperation" and "annoyance" decides to find alternative employment.

Look, I understand that you're living in a country where live-in staff are the norm rather than the exception. I'll also cut you a bit of slack because you are grieving. However I find your coldness about your "maid" rather chilling. You're talking about her like she's a piece of furniture, rather than a thinking and feeling human being, who has emotions just like you. God forbid a woman who spends 5 years day in, day out, cleaning and being part of the live-in family, is upset because one of the family members is dying.

The fact that she's paid properly and has healthcare etc., is nothing to boast about - it's what she should be getting, regardless. I'm trying to imagine having to live somewhere, where someone finds me annoying and exasperating. It must be quite unpleasant. Your entire post is reminiscent of an upper-middle-class bore sitting at a tea party in the 30s, bemoaning the fact that she just can't get quality staff anymore...

ButchyRestingFace · 17/11/2017 08:40

She had a bit of a go at FIL and made it clear she was annoyed and upset that she hadn't been allowed to visit in hospital (he ignored this).

This kind of jumped out at me. I know he’s grieving but did he not respond in any way?

No matter, it sounds like your FiL is the chief decision maker in this set up so whatever the rights and wrongs of how the “maid” has been treated, it ain’t your circus or monkeys.

Mix56 · 17/11/2017 08:43

IME, the "maid" (annoying as she may seem to you), played a very important role in the comfort & well being of my mother for years, she did a lot of running around & menial tasks that certainly no one else wanted to do. (ex. empty her commode & the tasks that go with it) plus all the hours of sitting & watching & being present for a dying woman.
Our carer was possibly the person who loved my mother as much as any of us.
I think your attitude is hard,
Noone should be having histrionics by the hospital bed, but she is not just a dirty rag to be discarded.
Shame on you

VioletHaze · 17/11/2017 08:53

Of course your (personal) staff visit in these circumstances.

Very déclassé otherwise.

But at the end of the day, it's up to FIL. Who presumably won't be keeping her on after such an unmistakeable snub.*

VioletHaze · 17/11/2017 08:54

Bother - was trying to quote someone else above to say I agree entirely.

Cornettoninja · 17/11/2017 08:57

I think people are struggling to get past the term maid here tbh.

I don't think you were necessarily being unreasonable and I also don't think you are responsible for her grief.

Yes as an employer you need to be mindful that she will be experiencing the loss of your mil in her own way but that doesn't override the grief of the family.

In the absence of any other information I will choose to believe that your family and yourself were simply trying to the right things at a time when it is impossible to know what's for the best.

You all knew your mil and accounted for what you knew was important to her - harsh but true this lady didn't feature as part of that.

That's okay, but she needs to find an outlet elsewhere for her grief. It's not fair if anyone outside of a family or extremely close personal relationship to press their needs onto a bereaved family - employee or not. It's not like it's something that can be fixed, it's just pointless guilt.

ShatnersWig · 17/11/2017 09:05

You asked if you were unreasonable. Yes, unless your MIL or the hospital said "family only" then I think you were.

My grandfather was a butler (in this country) and my great aunt was a cook until the mid-1990s. Their employer, whom they were with for well over a decade, treated them very well indeed and had they been prevented from going to see him in hospital at the end they'd have been understandably upset.