Re: staff visiting employer in hospital

[ChangeyNamey1893]

My MIL recently became critically ill after a long illness. She was cared for at home by a maid.

She got very ill and eventually had to go in to hospital where she sadly died a week after being admitted. During the week she was in hospital we only had immediate family visiting (her husband, her children, their partners, her brothers and her husband's siblings).

Later when arranging the funeral the maid was told which days would be best for her to attend. She had a bit of a go at FIL and made it clear she was annoyed and upset that she hadn't been allowed to visit in hospital (he ignored this).

Were we being unreasonable to not have her visit? I wouldn't expect to go and visit my boss on his deathbed! This maid although nice is prone to being over emotional and also a source of irritation and exasperation for MIL.

Blimey, I accept tone doesn't always come across well in text, but you sound ice cold towards this woman OP and really minimising .

Are you sure it's that she can't control her emotions, or could it be that she simply shows them, like most people?

Well, I appreciate the OP is recently bereaved, and with the best will in the world, that makes the best of us act without clarity of thought.

The Ops subsequent posts about staff and what they are, instantly transports me to some far flung outpost of the Empire in the 1940’s. All very “Last Days of the Raj”. Except, those with breeding and good class didn’t treat their staff with the contempt the OPS family has. Staff were family, they lived and died for their families.

YABU. My DM died in September and I allowed anyone who knew her to say their goodbyes. In the end she died quite quickly so only a couple of of people got there in time but I’m pleased for them that they did.

If DM had asked for no crying in front of her I wouldn’t have been able to comply unfortunately as I was too heartbroken seeing her like that. She would have understood though.

maid is, was, a source of exasperation and annoyance for MIL - but not so much exasperation and annoyance that your MIL didn't put up with her cooking and cleaning for her for 5 years obviously. Very glad I don't live in your country, if that is the general attitude to staff.

When my dad was dying all kinds of random people came to see him.

I didn't own him, he had friends I knew nothing about. Yabu

OP you know your mil's relationship with her mad better than all of us. If you believe she wouldn't have wanted her to visit then fair enough.

cheeky maid eh? getting ideas above her station!
You have a horrible attitude OP, I know you're grieving but I suspect you have always had this attitude towards domestic staff.

Your Fil should apologise to the poor woman he has upset.

Your attitude is cruel. Poor lady.

Only OP and her MIL will know the dynamic of the relationship with the maid. I wonder if the maid is also from another culture as this might have a bearing on expectations?

What’s done is done, feelings are hurt and perhaps a little diplomacy is called for. Explain that the hospital said family only for your MIL’s final days. Thank her for everything she did to make your MIL comfortable, and how much you appreciate this. You didn’t do anything terrible, everyone will get over this. Just be kind in your dealings with her.

Cornetto The issue for me is the maid doesn't seem to have been given a chance to go and not break down emotionally. She just wasn't included because she was the maid.

Are you in South Africa? I worked with a South African who would have agreed with your approach as there is still an obvious class system and social hierarchy.

As a Brit, I think you are being cruel and I feel sorry for your maid who obviously cares for your family more than they care for her.

We are still yet to find out which country the OP is in....their term "maid" in the UK conjures up images of Downton Abbey....

So "the maid" as good enough to care for your MIL at home but for visiting purposes was analogous to a dentist?

Aren't you lovely?

For me the key word here is care. The 'maid' was expected to cook/housekeep (an intimate form of care) for 5 years and then take on further the end of life care, to a certain extent, of her employer. I presume she was actually expected to care and not do her duties with no feeling at all? That's not the definition of caring for someone at all. So if these things were expected, then the family in lieu of the MIL as she was too ill, cannot simply expect that once MIL is taken to hospital, that the care just stops from the POV of the maid. I can understand that MIL may have only wanted family around, and that would have had to be honoured. However the way in which this has been handled has shown no compassion at all. A kind explanation to the maid would have been better than nothing. You cannot employ someone to care, and expect the care and compassion that goes with that, but also demand that it's turned off when required. Humans don't work like that.

She was with her daily for 5 years, yes she should've said goodbye

That is just a very strange thing to expect. It's even stranger to go off at someone who has just been WIDOWED! In my experience of elderly relatives dying carers would come to visit if they were in hospital but they definitely wouldn't feel entitled to a visit if the person was on deaths doir.

I don't think she should have been invited in.

It's not about the housekeeper or how close she was or wasn't to the OP 's MIL. The MIL was I'll in hospital, it's about her. She didn't ask to see the housekeeper. Can you imagine being in that situation and having people brought in to look at you when you couldn't even speak clearly?

The only person whose views matter is the person who's dying.

We're rightly told that giving birth isn't a spectator sport - why should dying be any different? Dying is rarely the dignified lapsing-into-sleep portrayed in films. It can be painful and messy - a bit like birth - and often the dying person just wants peace, not a roomful of people caught up in their own distress.

I'm much older than most on here and I've witnessed too many deaths. Visiting a dying person so you can "say your goodbyes" isn't some kind of right - it doesn't help the dying person one bit if they've requested no tears or drama.

I'm thinking particularly of one close friend whose husband felt unable to refuse any request to visit, with the result that in her last days at home, she was "viewed" by a constant stream of people. This was a woman who had valued her privacy all her days and I hope against hope that she was unaware. I've told my family that when I'm at that stage, I want no visitors - if anyone wants to tell me they love me or respect me (one can hope!) they can do it before I'm on my deathbed.

I'm thinking particularly of one close friend whose husband felt unable to refuse any request to visit, with the result that in her last days at home, she was "viewed" by a constant stream of people. This was a woman who had valued her privacy all her days and I hope against hope that she was unaware. I've told my family that when I'm at that stage, I want no visitors - if anyone wants to tell me they love me or respect me (one can hope!) they can do it before I'm on my deathbed.

I think this was a different situation. There was no constant stream of visitors. There was only the maid who by being a living-in maid and a carer at the end of the person's life spent probably more time with the person than the family.
And the reason she wasn't allowed to visit was simply that she is a second-class human being because she is a servant.

Haven't rtft but I was a carer for two years. For some people i simply cleaned & cooked, did washing; for others I did personal care. I was simply a paid member of staff I guess. I was however treated a little better than what you appear to have treated the 'maid' as. One of my ladies was in hospital on end of life care; i was allowed to visit her the day before she died. I was very greatful for this because when you spend as much time with someone as you do when you work in their house, like it or not they become a part of your life. I could understand if MiL worked in an office & a random employee wanted to muscle in; this was a woman who spent time in the house with MiL & even took on the role of caring for her, even if short term. Not many people would do that for someone they didn't have some feeling for.

First of all, sorry for yours and your DHs loss OP. I hope he is holding up okay.

Secondly, I understand what you're saying re her still being a staff member but it's not really comparable to that of your dentist or lawyer. You see a dentist or lawyer occasionally, they're not live-in so the relationship dynamics are very different.

Think back to the downton abbey days, many people used to have very strong relationships with their staff.

The maid wouldn't have just seen the MIL as a employer, they'd have seen her as a friend too. I'd be hurt also, in fact we were deeply hurt when we was told a funeral for what we thought was a good friend, we was told it was for family only, we found out later that many other friends went, just not us and a couple of others who's basically been the deceased's only friend for long times.

I chose to respect the family's wishes and I went to the graveside a little later after that and had some time with friend myself that way. Perhaps you could suggest the Maid could do something like that (and also get family to swallow their pride and apologise for not inviting her?).

Grief does funny things to us OP and makes us all act in ways we perhaps wouldn't normally. Take care.

I think this was a different situation. There was no constant stream of visitors. There was only the maid who by being a living-in maid and a carer at the end of the person's life spent probably more time with the person than the family.
And the reason she wasn't allowed to visit was simply that she is a second-class human being because she is a servant.

It's irrelevant that she spent a lot of time with the MIL, and I don't think she was excluded for being "a second-class human being" - obviously that would be appalling. OP says that she was a carer for only the last days of MIL's life - she wasn't a close companion or confidante from what she says. OP also says that MIL wouldn't have wanted her there for various reasons, so are you saying her wishes should have been ignored?

I mentioned my friend's situation to illustrate how even the kindest of relatives can get things wrong by inviting people to share what some regard as intimate moments. In the OP's case, I'd say they got it right.

babyboomersrock, try reading the rest of the OP's contributions where she talks about how she feels about servants.

Sorry but to me, regardless of whether it is paid or done voluntarily, when you spend that much time with someone you develop a bond. MiL can't have thought that badly of this lady otherwise she wouldn't have kept her on for five years. And if she wasn't the type of person MiL wanted around, i have to question why the family would then allow this lady to take on the personal care role for MiL???

babyboomersrock, try reading the rest of the OP's contributions where she talks about how she feels about servants.

I have read them. I don't need to agree with her "feelings about servants" - and I might not like OP's language - but it doesn't affect how I feel about the family's decision. If the family felt that MIL wouldn't have wanted her - or anyone else - at her deathbed, they did the right thing.