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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re: staff visiting employer in hospital

177 replies

ChangeyNamey1893 · 17/11/2017 00:51

My MIL recently became critically ill after a long illness. She was cared for at home by a maid.

She got very ill and eventually had to go in to hospital where she sadly died a week after being admitted. During the week she was in hospital we only had immediate family visiting (her husband, her children, their partners, her brothers and her husband's siblings).

Later when arranging the funeral the maid was told which days would be best for her to attend. She had a bit of a go at FIL and made it clear she was annoyed and upset that she hadn't been allowed to visit in hospital (he ignored this).

Were we being unreasonable to not have her visit? I wouldn't expect to go and visit my boss on his deathbed! This maid although nice is prone to being over emotional and also a source of irritation and exasperation for MIL.

OP posts:
MaitlandGirl · 17/11/2017 04:33

Firstly, I’m very sorry for the loss of your MIL. I hope that you and your DH and his family are coping Flowers

MaitlandGirl · 17/11/2017 04:38

Oooops - posted too quickly!!

My Great Uncle had a housekeeper for many, many years and when he got sick and passed away (some years after his wife) my Mum asked the housekeeper to visit my G.Uncle in the hospice. (He’d been living with my parents for about 6mths at this point). She came and visited and it was very difficult, emotionally she wasn’t in a good frame of mind and my G.Uncle couldn’t cope at all. It was all very upsetting and not at all what he wanted.

He told my mum afterwards that he wished she hadn’t visited but Mum did what she thought was right at the time and invited her, and that’s all you can do.

I’m sorry that in this instance it doesn’t appear to have been the right decision and I hope that the emotional fallout isn’t too awful. Flowers

SpareASquare · 17/11/2017 04:58

I do hope those of you who've said I'm unreasonable will remember this and , when you're sitting vigil by your mother's death bed, you'll let all her friends, colleagues, cleaner, maybe lawyer, dentist...anyone who express an interest...file past her

My mothers dentist, lawyer etc do not cook or clean for her daily.

This woman cooked and cleaned and lived in your MILs home. You were unreasonable. Harsh, even.

RadioGaGoo · 17/11/2017 05:18

Most people are 'lifted out of poverty' by employment. It sounds like you look down on her because of her position to be honest.

EmilyChambers79 · 17/11/2017 05:25

My Dad came home to die. His work colleagues, customers and Boss came to see him in his final week. His Barber and GP were amongst the 200 plus mourners at his funeral.

I found it amazing that so many people wanted to come and see him and pay their respects. He was overwhelmed too. Many a time he reckoned he didn't know enough people that would care enough.

When speaking to a couple of the customers that came to see him, they each had a different story as they had a different relationship with him and he'd offered advice and support.

You say the Maid irritated your MIL but how bad was it really if she was kept on for 5 years and put in a position to care for her during her final few days?

She has every right to feel upset, those feelings are not exclusive to family.

I think if she was involved to the extent of caring then she should have been given the option of visiting. Even maids and ladies in waiting get to pay their respects to their members of the Royal family!

VikingVolva · 17/11/2017 06:05

Of course your (personal) staff visit in these circumstances.

Very déclassé otherwise.

But at the end of the day, it's up to FIL. Who presumably won't be keeping her on after such an unmistakeable snub.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 17/11/2017 06:32

OP I’m sorry for your loss and hope your DH and family are coping okay.

I was only pointing out that you’re very unlikely to get anyone who understands your lifestyle or viewpoint on here. It has been many generations since most of the families on here have had any kind of live-in help of the sort you describe. If any of us had long term live-in carers or housekeepers then yes they actually would sit at our table, get a hug from us, use our cutlery and crockery etc etc. Having had maids in my grandparents houses and most of my extended family’s houses though in South Asia I’m guessing this is not how the maid is treated in your home.
My grandmother too had a long term live in maid who functioned as her carer during the last 5 years of her life. So I can relate to what you mean. But unlike her lawyer and banker and friends this was a woman who cleaned up after my grandmother, looked after her for years. When she was on her deathbed the maid was definitely allowed to visit even as the family was keeping vigil by her bedside. And she came to the funeral too.
So at least my point of view came from my family having been in a similar situation and made a different choice.

Morewashingtodo · 17/11/2017 06:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RozDeek · 17/11/2017 06:38

Is OP in the UK?

Clandestino · 17/11/2017 06:40

OP, I think the reason why you’re finding less understanding on this thread than expected is that people in Europe aren’t used to be treated like sub-humans or send category humans which that maid for you clearly is.
It looks like the lesser human allowed herself to form an emotional attachment to her employer she spent a considerable time taking care of and it’s clear you don’t get that.
I personally think it was cruel not to let her say goodbye but as you don’t consider her equal in terms of humanity, I get your point of view.

Clandestino · 17/11/2017 06:40

second category humans

Yerroblemom1923 · 17/11/2017 06:44

My sister is a part time cleaner for the elderly and she becomes v attached to the ladies she works for and they value her work and her company. She is not "just the cleaner" to them and takes time to talk and listen to their worries and stories (admittedly a lot of repeated stories,!) she would of course want to visit if they became ill and already speaks her concerns for their failing health etc. I know she'd be devasted if she couldn't visit them in hospital and would want to attend the funeral.

MrsPringles · 17/11/2017 06:44

Whilst I’m sorry for you loss OP, I do feel the way you speak about the ‘maid’ is really awful and I think you should have let her visit.
I’m sure if you briefed her with the no crying thing, she could have adhered to this or left the room if she felt she was going to become too emotional.

dibbleanddobble · 17/11/2017 06:49

It sounds from your post as if you treated the maid as "just an employee" and did not allow for the fact that she was grieving too. Fair enough in a way as grief an make you behave in ways you wouldn't normally. But yes it sounds like the poor woman was attached to your MIL and didn't feel she was given the chance to say goodbye because she was only the maid.

Balaboosteh · 17/11/2017 06:55

My grandmothers carer was very involved with family at time of her death. My daughter was given the same name as her and she became close to the family. Nobody tried to put boundaries around her feelings and she was a support to us all. YANBU and cold. If she cooked and cleaned she should be described as a housekeeper.

Slartybartfast · 17/11/2017 06:56

op i am sorry for your loss and the loss to your family. However it is done now.
I understand the MIL didnt want the maid to visit to her being over emotional.
dont beat yourself up about it. Let it rest

Timmytoo · 17/11/2017 06:58

Our maids here are very close to our families. They help look after children, stay with the family for years and are seen as part of the family so it would be strange for them not to visit a person of the family in hospital if it’s very serious obviously. It seems that you look down at your maid which is very sad. She should have been able to visit she’s not just a random employee.

Balaboosteh · 17/11/2017 07:00

When your FIL can’t run the house and you are scrabbling round agencies to find someone half decent to look after him you might regret how you treated this person...

Spadequeen · 17/11/2017 07:11

The term in the uk is live in housekeeper, not maid.

Your mil should have had whoever she wants to visit visit, if she didn’t want the HK there, she should t have gone. You could have maybe told the HK in gentler ways to be kinder but there you go. You cannot change what has happened but you can learn from it.

Is this woman still employed to work for your Fil?

Just so you know, a live in employee / employer relationship is very different to a normal office type of relationship. You a privy to a lot more personal information, it is far more of an intimate role, you get to know each other on a very different level, some people do develop a more ‘member of the family’ type of relationship so it is not unusual for the HK to be so upset.

She might just be staff to you, but she obviously felt differently.

Xeneth88 · 17/11/2017 07:13

Of course your (personal) staff visit in these circumstances.

Very déclassé otherwise.

But at the end of the day, it's up to FIL. Who presumably won't be keeping her on after such an unmistakeable snub.

This!!

NoFucksImAQueen · 17/11/2017 07:17

Of course it was horrible not to let her visit. It's in no way compatible to a dentist really is it? She worked for your mother in law in her home for 5 years then cared for her when she was ill.
You all sound very cold and I'm sorry you clearly don't like people telling that but you did ask

frumpety · 17/11/2017 07:18

I am curious as to where in the world this is all occurring and what nationality everyone involved is . I do wonder if there are cultural differences at play here .

Will your FIL be keeping the maid on ?

Crumbs1 · 17/11/2017 07:21

I think it was rather insensitive and unkind. But grief tends to make us selfish. She is grieving too and was ‘the maid’ ( although sounds like Housekeeper as maids tend to provide personal assistance in UK) who was also mainstay and companion, who may have built very close relationship, who was part of the family too.

Our housekeeper was the first person to visit me in hospital after the twins were born. She brought the other children up to see us and was a far better support and closer friend than my family.

Quartz2208 · 17/11/2017 07:22

Yes of course you were she was a personal staff member who cared for her.

SHe it from her perspective - when you needed her to she stepped up and cared for your MIL (Presumably because no one else could/wanted to) and at that point her over emotional behaviour did not matter because she served a purpose for you.

Once she was no longer needed she became redundant and seen the same as a dentist to you

Yeah pretty unreasonable

greendale17 · 17/11/2017 07:24

maid is, was, a source of exasperation and annoyance for MIL. She means well but she can't reign in her emotions (one of MIL's wishes was that no-one was to cry in front of her and we respected that).

YANBU then