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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at teacher regarding dummy?

262 replies

Masha31 · 15/11/2017 20:36

My daughter turned 4 in August 4 and started foundation/reception class in September. She still has her dummy at bed time and in the car on the way to school. I'd rather she didn't have it and we are planning on 'sending it to santa' (or something along those lines) but it doesn't overlay worry me, she's content with it and not doing any harm.

However, today I dropped her off at breakfast club and a dummy dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and one of the morning supervisors handed it to me.....off I went to work.

I then arrived to pick daughter up from her afterschool club and the lady from the club took me to one said to say that she'd been asked to hand me a leaflet because daughter "has been seen to have her dummy in at breakfast club and said told the teacher she has it a lot at home. Mrs has spoken to daughter about her dummy so here's your Drop The Dummy leaflet". I was slightly taken a back and said she doesn't have the dummy at breakfast club and, slightly in shock, took the leaflet off her and left with my daughter.

I asked daughter about this and she clearly said " Mrs said that I have to give my dummy to Santa and that I'm not allowed it any more", I asked her how that made her feel to which she replied "sad because it helps me get to sleep".

Now don't get me wrong, I know at 4 years old she could do without it. However, AIBU to think that the teacher has no right to tell a my 4yo that she's not allowed her dummy or speak to her about it before speaking to me or my husband first? If they wanted to hand me the leaflet and/or contact me first then fine, but not challenge my daughter about it!

It also has angered me that this was triggered by me dropping the dummy at breakfast club and the staff in there have clearly gone and told someone at the school/the teacher. Slight bit of overkill don't you think?!

OP posts:

TittyGolightly · 16/11/2017 09:24

My daughter has never spoken with her thumb in her mouth. As a welsh speaker she needs (and has) amazing oral dexterity. You can’t roll Rs with a mouth obstruction!

StepAwayFromGoogle · 16/11/2017 09:31

How does a dummy affect speech and language development if they only have it at bedtime? Appreciate if it is in their mouth all the time it would, but if they are free of it all day how would it be an impediment? Am I missing something?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP. Fine to say 'we don't have dummies at school' but not to decide when your daughter has to give it up at bedtime at home - and tell your daughter that!

I was completely against dummies until I had DD and saw how much it comforted her. She was a crier and a bad sleeper and it really helped. I also figured it was better than sucking her thumb - we can give the dummy to Santa at some point but I can't get rid of her thumb!

Booboostwo · 16/11/2017 09:44

Teachers are supposed to take student welfare into consideration. The dummy issue is a tiny, tiny issue but the line "this is my parenting decision and nothing to do with the school" is just wrong. Of course the school should be concerned about what happens at home. They should talk about giving up dummies, healthy eating, cleaning and taking care of oneself, sleeping for long enough periods, etc and other minor welfare issues just like they look out for much more serious welfare issues.

SlartyFarkBarstard · 16/11/2017 10:12

StepAwayFromGoogle

There's some really useful info here from ICAN about the pro's and con's of dummies and how they can affect the physical development of the mouth and teeth and subsequently affect speech.

www.talkingpoint.org.uk/parents/speech-and-language/do-dummies-affect-speech

Animation86 · 16/11/2017 10:14

My son never had a dummy ever- can’t understand why any parent would give their child one as completely unnecessary

Not sure if you are trolling...but my daughter has special needs and had serious issues with reflux and breathing - the dummy was necessary.

Not everything is as black and white

Mumof41987 · 16/11/2017 10:14

Why does she need it in car on way to school ?? It's fine at bedtime but no need at all for her to have it in car on way to school . I'm with the teacher on this one

StepAwayFromGoogle · 16/11/2017 10:23

@SlartyFarkBarstard - thank you very much for that, it's really useful. We're quite careful with the hygiene factor but interesting about ear infections - DD has had a few of those. Hmmm. (Goes to hide all the dummies...)

CecilyP · 16/11/2017 10:55

My son never had a dummy ever- can’t understand why any parent would give their child one as completely unnecessary

My friend insisted her baby DD have a dummy because she was a primary school teacher. Having spent 15 years watching pupils suck their thumbs, some as old P7 (Y6), she wanted to avoid that at all costs!

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/11/2017 11:03

I agree that I think this is a case of the teacher being cruel to be kind.

By all means use it at bedtime but there is no need for your child to have it on the way to school (she is not supposed to be going to sleep) and you will be opening her up to ridicule and bullying by the other kids calling her a baby.

You say that you are about to do the Santa takes it thing. I would stick to that but definitely keep it as a bedroom only thing. (Mum of 3 ex dummy users)

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/11/2017 11:04

My Dh (aged 50) still sucks his thumb. The ex dummy using 3 sons aged 25 down to 16 do not (nor do they use dummies still).

Thymeout · 16/11/2017 11:55

It isn't a case of one or the other. Neither is a good idea once the baby doesn't need it. Yes - dummies can be a godsend with colicky babies but the more they get used to always having something in their mouths, the more it reinforces a bad habit. And it is bad, as any dentist or speech therapist will tell you. A quick fix becomes an on-going problem. They wouldn't have leaflets about it if it didn't matter.

Letting the child decide, giving it up in their own time is a bit of a cop-out. A parent's job is to guide a child to the next stage in their independence. It's the teacher's job, too, and she doesn't need to have a conversation with the parent before talking to one of her pupils. Would she be out order if she asked a child if she brushed her teeth in the mornings or put her coat on by herself at home?

Sometimes we get so used to a routine that we need reminding it's outgrown its usefulness. It may be embarrassing to have it pointed out, but in the end it's in the child's best interests.

MissFlashpants · 16/11/2017 12:12

It sounds like you've jumped on the defensive a bit because you know that it's time to get rid of the dummy.

Instead of complaining about the school's approach, why not just use it as the push you need? It's really not difficult. My advice - cut them up and put them in the bin. That way you can't go back!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 16/11/2017 12:19

Ds is 14 and never had a dummy. Bloody hell. If it helped him go to sleep I'd introduce one tonight 😖

Cutesbabasmummy · 16/11/2017 12:21

Seniorcitizen1 My son had a dummy until he turned two - why? Because it made him sleep! That precious thing that parents need!

Fozzleyplum · 16/11/2017 12:32

They were overstepping the mark, because they did not ask you if you would like them to speak to your DD. They didn't even know that you were trying to stop it, and it wasn"t their place to assume that you were.

Having said that, this is one argument I wouldn"t pick with them unless they do anything further, such as keep mentioning it to your DD.

You want to stop, so this one-off overstepping of the mark won't hurt.

grimeofthecentury · 16/11/2017 12:34

I had one until I was six, perfect straight white teeth now, I had a brace but so did all my friends some of whom had dummies some didn't. It makes no difference it's totally fine. My mum took them off me and I had them stashed all over the house

grimeofthecentury · 16/11/2017 12:36

Why are people who breastfeed a 4yo to, sleep lavished with praise but those who allow a dummy told they have done something wrong? It's a comforter. Don't try and say a 4yo needs breast milk to live!!

grimeofthecentury · 16/11/2017 12:38

Oh and I talked at 10mos and had a massive vocab by four so no speech effects. Also a rubbish argument imo!

BatShite · 16/11/2017 12:51

School should definitely have spoke to you about it rather than her first. I mean, yeah it sounds like it will all work out grand, but the school can't really be telling you how you should deal with your child at home.

Good luck with losing the dummy.

DD has only just given hers up and shes 5 this month. Shes only had it through the night though since being one. We gave her it on advice from the doctor, as she suffered horrific colic. I was always totally anti-dummy until then but I would have done anything to soothe her...

FizzyWaterAndElderflower · 16/11/2017 13:29

ignoring all the pro/cons on dummies (never had one - offered one to DS1 but he was uninterested in anything that didn't dispense milk - and DS2 was just so easy he didn't need it) - but I think you should consider leaping on this.

Both of mine, there are things I can tell them until I am blue in the face, but the moment the teacher tells them, that's it, it's law. May as well use it - if I rolled my eyes any harder at my 4 year old telling me how to hold a pencil like teacher says, having been telling him the exact same thing for months previously, I'd have strained something, yet there he is now, holding a pencil perfectly.

eeanne · 16/11/2017 13:32

Why are people who breastfeed a 4yo to, sleep lavished with praise

Any evidence of this? Links? Sounds like rubbish to me! Most people who BF 4 year olds probably do it in secret for fear of being judged!

grimeofthecentury · 16/11/2017 13:35

Eeanne look at all the extended bf threads on here!!!

eeanne · 16/11/2017 14:24

Post a link of a 4 year old being BF and the mother lavished with praise. More than one even. I’m waiting.

Regardless - 4 year olds with dummies are asking for speech and dental problems.

RozDeek · 16/11/2017 15:10

Most people who BF 4 year olds probably do it in secret for fear of being judged!

I guarantee the people who judge extended BF are not the same ones judging dummies.

Blowed if I know why EITHER are worthy of judging at all.

FindingNormal · 16/11/2017 15:34

Senior citizen my daughter was premature and given a dummy to help establish breastfeeding. She was tubefed at first so feeding her through her tube whilst she sucked on the dummy helped her to associate feeling full with sucking. Everyone has their own reasons for their choices so lay off eh?

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