To be annoyed at teacher regarding dummy?

[Masha31]

My daughter turned 4 in August 4 and started foundation/reception class in September. She still has her dummy at bed time and in the car on the way to school. I'd rather she didn't have it and we are planning on 'sending it to santa' (or something along those lines) but it doesn't overlay worry me, she's content with it and not doing any harm.

However, today I dropped her off at breakfast club and a dummy dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and one of the morning supervisors handed it to me.....off I went to work.

I then arrived to pick daughter up from her afterschool club and the lady from the club took me to one said to say that she'd been asked to hand me a leaflet because daughter "has been seen to have her dummy in at breakfast club and said told the teacher she has it a lot at home. Mrs has spoken to daughter about her dummy so here's your Drop The Dummy leaflet". I was slightly taken a back and said she doesn't have the dummy at breakfast club and, slightly in shock, took the leaflet off her and left with my daughter.

I asked daughter about this and she clearly said " Mrs said that I have to give my dummy to Santa and that I'm not allowed it any more", I asked her how that made her feel to which she replied "sad because it helps me get to sleep".

Now don't get me wrong, I know at 4 years old she could do without it. However, AIBU to think that the teacher has no right to tell a my 4yo that she's not allowed her dummy or speak to her about it before speaking to me or my husband first? If they wanted to hand me the leaflet and/or contact me first then fine, but not challenge my daughter about it!

It also has angered me that this was triggered by me dropping the dummy at breakfast club and the staff in there have clearly gone and told someone at the school/the teacher. Slight bit of overkill don't you think?!

YABU
It’s part of her job criteria and, to me, she’s actually trying to help. You say that you want to stop the dummy, so I’d go with it and use the impetus of the teacher saying it too to help you. A four year old will pay a LOT of attention to their teacher and you may find that it’s a lot easier than if you try to do it yourself.

I personally don’t like dummies/thumb sucking at all (worked in dentistry in the past and seen what they can do to teeth development) so I’d be pleased that the end could be near!

Also, having a dummy at school age is something that could lead to an awful lot of teasing/nasty comments (far more so than thumb sucking) and I’d definitely try to help it be stopped to protect your child from that kind of nasty behaviour. Children can be rather cruel at times.

I offered both my DCs dummies as babies but they preferred their thumbs. DD sucked hers until she was 7 and I was trying everything to stop her. It was quite hard work because you can't remove their thumbs. I did find it useful to had a authority figure like the dentist or the teacher ask her to stop and explain the damage that could happen to her teeth. That work better than me nagging. I'd welcome the school being so supportive frankly. I think it's good she has a dummy not her thumb but it is time to get rid of it at 4.

I think it's good she has a dummy not her thumb but it is time to get rid of it at 4

I've held off saying this, because it may be controversial.
Four years old is way too old to still be sucking a dummy.
If I had a 4 year old who was still attached to her dummy, and I wanted to wean her off it, I'd welcome any imput from outside sources to make my child understand that it's not the norm.
Mum and Dad might treat it as normal. But it's not normal.

The child is only going to realise that it's not normal from intervention and information from informed others.
How many 4 year olds go to school, and then go home to suck a dummy? Very few to none. I'm not believing that it will cause long term damage. But - get a grip. Four years old is well past the mouthing comforting stage. That stage is what dummies were designed for.

The reception class teacher is quite rightly concerned that a child in her class, at 4 years old, still uses a dummy. I think it's absolutely in order that she makes clear to that child that she needs to get rid of the dummy. Whatever her parents might think. Because parents can be wrong. And in this case, the teacher might be the best way of persuading the child to get rid of the dummy. Because the parents have failed to do it thus far.

I'd be thanking them for their support.

I find all the posts saying how the teachers are only helping you, and that 4 is "way too old" to have a dummy, she should be rid of it by now etc. utterly bizarre. It's like they're helping your child give up fags or something really terrible. It's just a flipping dummy.

My DS was reluctant to give up his dummy, but did when DD1 arrived. DD1 was a thumbsucker, though... nothing to do with dummies, she found her thumb from day 1 and sucked it until she was about 10!

I also think the school are overstepping the mark. At our school they told me at a meeting that I ought to get DD3 out of a habit that she had, even whilst at home. DD3 is disabled: she has ASD and OCD. This habit was not negotiable and also completely harmless. It was really the least of her problems. I basically told them to naff off.

missymayhemsmum "Children who have dummies risk tooth decay, and are slower to develop language generally," Compared to who? children who do not have dummies and do not suck their thumb or fingers or children who do not have dummies and do such their thumb or fingers?

My dd has sucked her thumb for years. I wish I had got a dummy to her before she started.

I'd ignore the leaflet or use it or bin it. If the topic comes up again I'd either tell them what you are doing or not tell them anything.

PS Maybe time for a trip to Sweden!

www.thelocal.se/20170115/swede-who-invented-pacifier-tree-still-tending-it-30-years-on

I agree with you OP, although I'd try and give it up when in the car at least.

TheQueenOfWands

Tell them to piss off.

They shouldn't be making up tales, and your parenting is none of their business

Oh yes what fabulous advice! Go tell the person who looks after your child, cares for them 6 hours a day and has their best interests at heart to “piss off”. Aren’t you just a delight

Also, as a teacher, your parenting is absolutely my business if it spills over and affects your child when they’re in my class.

I don’t know I’m an idiot and I’m sorry! @venellopevonschweetz

I think everyone is missing the point. Regardless of what was said to the OP, the school decided to discuss it with the child, tell her what she could and couldn’t do re the dummy without speaking to the parent first. The school had no idea about the parents point of view and as is often the case, people who have had a child themselves or work with children then consider themselves experts on every other child and in a more superior position to make decisions about that child than the actual parent.

Senior, you’re not the teacher are you?

I think you're being over sensitive. She's a teacher, an experienced professional, looking out for your child. Take the help!

She shouldn’t have a dummy, they are intended for small infants not 4 year olds.

I don't think they should have spoken directly to your daughter without your knowledge (unless she was using it in the classroom) but they are not being unreasonable to give you a pamphlet or speak to you about how you might wean her off it.

DS1 firmly clung to his dummy at bedtime until he was 3. No amount of persuasion from us helped. I was considering cold turkey when the dentist told him he was ruining his teeth. That was it. Straight into the bin.

Use this as your chance to get rid of it. It's ruining her teeth.

I dont get this you want it go and they offering to help. Yabu.

I suspect if they'd given OP a pamphlet and spoken to her directly there'd still be a big AIBU about it.

Ask your dd to put it under her pillow when she gets up and leave it there till bed time.

Ah, I would just forget about it and not mention it. They probably won’t mention it again and we’re just ticking boxes. If they do ask say you are dealing with it and it is not a problem.

All children are individuals.
Loving the blanket statements that all kids who never had a dummy never suck thier thumbs. Utter rubish. Some kids need the comfort of either, some kids as pps have said were given them for medical reasons. But apparently some people on mn know better than paediatric consultants and no kid has ever actually needed a dummy its just shit parenting.

Who knew?

bigfat
But it wasnt affecting the child in class. She didnt have a dummy in class. It fell out ops pocket and a member of staff saw it then took action on something that wasnt true. What a good example to show the kids.
They had no right to question the child on something like having a dummy at night which has nothing to do with school nor lecture the op about it.

Current speech and language advice is that dummies can affect language development in children, it’s from this point of view that any educational setting will discourage their use beyond a certain age by advising parents when its time to stop using them, that includes having discussions and handing out information to parents.
They would not be doing their job properly if they didn’t tackle this with you, however the Teacher has completely overstepped by undermining you on this issue, so YANBU to be annoyed with her and point out that you don’t appreciate it.

Chtick a lardche chpoon in your mouch and chpeak around it. No ephect on chpeekch? Whight chen.

Chtick a lardche chpoon in your mouch and chpeak around it. No ephect on chpeekch? Whight chen.
Now take it out and speak. Any issues?

Of course it affects speech if the dummy/thumb are in the mouth.

My daughter slept with hers till 5. I would just ignore teacher.

Indeed you often still hear the dummy after it is taken out. Only to be expected if a child gets used to speaking around a great big rubber bung.