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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at teacher regarding dummy?

262 replies

Masha31 · 15/11/2017 20:36

My daughter turned 4 in August 4 and started foundation/reception class in September. She still has her dummy at bed time and in the car on the way to school. I'd rather she didn't have it and we are planning on 'sending it to santa' (or something along those lines) but it doesn't overlay worry me, she's content with it and not doing any harm.

However, today I dropped her off at breakfast club and a dummy dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and one of the morning supervisors handed it to me.....off I went to work.

I then arrived to pick daughter up from her afterschool club and the lady from the club took me to one said to say that she'd been asked to hand me a leaflet because daughter "has been seen to have her dummy in at breakfast club and said told the teacher she has it a lot at home. Mrs has spoken to daughter about her dummy so here's your Drop The Dummy leaflet". I was slightly taken a back and said she doesn't have the dummy at breakfast club and, slightly in shock, took the leaflet off her and left with my daughter.

I asked daughter about this and she clearly said " Mrs said that I have to give my dummy to Santa and that I'm not allowed it any more", I asked her how that made her feel to which she replied "sad because it helps me get to sleep".

Now don't get me wrong, I know at 4 years old she could do without it. However, AIBU to think that the teacher has no right to tell a my 4yo that she's not allowed her dummy or speak to her about it before speaking to me or my husband first? If they wanted to hand me the leaflet and/or contact me first then fine, but not challenge my daughter about it!

It also has angered me that this was triggered by me dropping the dummy at breakfast club and the staff in there have clearly gone and told someone at the school/the teacher. Slight bit of overkill don't you think?! Confused

OP posts:
emmap1976 · 17/11/2017 09:18

Referring to an earlier post, A soother/ dummy has been shown to reduce SIDS but it's referring to sudden INFANT death not school age children. Even so they should always discuss issues like this with the parent!

Willow2017 · 17/11/2017 09:26

Maybe they should have asked the op first before attempting to tell dd what she can and cannot do in her own home, then telling op they had intervened on her behalf and they had decided what she had to do next?

And maybe they should get thier facts right before rushing in? Dd didnt have the dummy at breakfast club in the first place. And it sounds like it wasnt dds teacher either.

Roomster101 · 17/11/2017 09:29

I would be very annoyed as they are totally overstepping the mark. Whilst having a dummy at night your child's age could affect their teeth if they don't stop soon, I can't see how it can have any impact on how they settle into school. Therefore it is absolutely none of the nursery's business.
The patronising, know it all attitude is fairly typical of some nursery staff in my experience though- I remember a friend being quite irritated by the fact that nursery staff seemed to think that they were more knowledgeable than her over an issue of child health even though my friend is a paediatrician!

fluffiny31 · 17/11/2017 09:38

My dd was prem had a dummy as couldn't pick her up to console her also poor sucking reflex so needed to practise. She was out of line in the way it was approached but all professionals that care for children have it drummed into them to get rid of dummies. Including myself. I took dad's away at 18m only had it for sleep but had started pushing her teeth out. It was also a special hospital dummy too not a cheap one. :( (unable to suck on them) you do what is best for you she's your child. But it effects speech, tooth position, tooth decay and other things.

Thymeout · 17/11/2017 09:39

'Dd didn't have a dummy at breakfast club in the first place'

No - but her mother did. It fell out of her pocket because she'd just removed it from dd's mouth minutes before. If Op had seriously been trying to get rid of the dummy, surely she'd have left it at home, not given it to dd in the car, years ago.

Teachers are allowed to ask their pupils questions. Do you brush your teeth? What time do you go to bed? If a reception child has a dummy in the car, it's natural to ask how much she uses it at home. I'm sure teachers would rather not have to be responsible for sorting out things that parents used to do and give out leaflets, but that's the reality for some children these days.

Catwaving · 17/11/2017 09:56

Bloody interfering nanny bloody state. None of their business, I'd be furious

Thymeout · 17/11/2017 10:03

Be furious with the right person, if that's how you feel. It's not teachers who get to decide what public health issues they have to promote.

And it's the state that has to pay for orthodontics and speech therapy. Btw, our dentist could tell my dgd was a mouth-breather (enlarged tonsils) from the shape of palate. That's just through air passing over it, not having a dummy plugged in for an extra 3 years. Guidelines are to discontinue dummy use at 12 months.

user789653241 · 17/11/2017 10:10

Roomster,

"Therefore it is absolutely none of the nursery's business. The patronising, know it all attitude is fairly typical of some nursery staff in my experience though"

It's not nursery, it's school/reception.

If it was nursery, I can understand your annoyance. One of my friend was furious when nursery suggested her dc should toilet train when approaching him leaving/starting school. I didn't get it. It was suggested because they thought it will make life easier for the child, but she thought nursery was overstepping how she raised her child.

Most of nursery teachers or school teachers do advice us parents for good reason. I just don't feel you should be offended, or think their attitude is know- it- all. They do, they've seen many more children than us parents.

Roomster101 · 17/11/2017 10:44

It's not nursery, it's school/reception.
Most of nursery teachers or school teachers do advice us parents for good reason. I just don't feel you should be offended, or think their attitude is know- it- all. They do, they've seen many more children than us parents.

I assumed that the breakfast club and after school club was run by the same people as the preschool (it usually is in primary schools in my area) i.e. nursery assistants rather than teachers. They and you don't know that they have "seen many more children than parents". It depends on what the parent's job is! The automatic assumption that they know more than the parent is what I am talking about when I say "know it all" attitude. I didn't say my friend was "offended", I said that she was irritated.

Kit1411 · 17/11/2017 11:59

What’s to say you didn’t have another young child with a dummy, or hadn’t been looking after young niece/nephew/friends baby? They just presumed. Not right to talk to the child, but maybe they just thought they’d try and help by could’ve handled it better.

svalentine60 · 17/11/2017 13:38

i'm torn over this one. One the one hand it is none of their business but on the other i can see why they would be concerned that a 4 year old still has a dummy. They're for babies not 4 year old children going to school. The concern for them is that you are not just doing the right thing for your child and taking it away.

Thymeout · 17/11/2017 15:42

Asking dd would have answered the question of whose dummy it was.
We only have a 4 yr old's version of what the teacher said.

Where is Op? I think she knows she should have sorted it and now she's been busted. The whole 'teacher shouldn't have...' is a deflection. Not the crime of the century. Who hasn't put off doing something for the sake of a quiet life?

Carebear1357 · 17/11/2017 15:48

I haven't read the other posts but I think that the fact your 4 year old has a dummy is ridiculous and in light of that fact, someone has decided to step in. I don't blame them.

Carebear1357 · 17/11/2017 15:49

Oh and my first child had a dummy and at 2 we just said no and three them in the bin.

Roomster101 · 17/11/2017 15:52

I'm interested in the fact that people think a dummy at four is so terrible and yet plenty of children still suck their thumbs at that age (my own dd did until she was 6). A friend of mine gave one child a dummy but not the other one who then sucked her thumb until she was about 9 which had much more effect on her teeth than a dummy would have done (assuming they had got rid of it at four)

fivefour3twoone · 17/11/2017 16:04

Yabu.
A dummy aged 4...seriously?
And as for i asked her how that made her feel and she said sad HmmHmm

YorkieDorkie · 17/11/2017 16:26

YABU, I'm an early years teacher and I see the speech and self confidence implications every day. I think the teacher clearly sees a chance to support you with the emotional development of your child at home. Perhaps you could have a dialogue with the teacher to say thank you for the leaflet but you already have a strategy in place to get rid of the dummy. That way you're back in charge and the teacher may not feel a need to intervene in future. To those who say that the teacher is clearly overstepping the mark, consider that we spend an enormous amount of time every week teaching children skills which many parents can't be bothered to. It's becoming more and more normal to have an educational crossover from home to school. I don't see how a dummy is any different.

Willow2017 · 17/11/2017 16:48

Op has been 'busted' how? She hasnt done anything illegal or something she needs to hide.

As a cm i have had kids with bottles and dummies at all ages, sometimes there was a very good reason for them and it wasnt for me to jump in and demand that the parents stop them. Other times i have worked with parents to wean them off them. Sometimes the kids just weaned themselves off them. It was always discussed with parents before anything was done about it.

Op has a plan to take the dummy away at Xmas, the staff didn't know this maybe they should have asked her about it first?

Roomster101 · 17/11/2017 16:55

YABU, I'm an early years teacher and I see the speech and self confidence implications every day.

How do you know that speech and confidence issues are anything to do with dummies? Do you ask all children if they have a dummy at night then compare those who do with those who don't? Do you also see "speech and self confidence implications" from thumb sucking at night too?

YorkieDorkie · 17/11/2017 17:00

Because I've worked with young children for many years and I can make a professional judgement based on the way a child forms their speech sounds. I have also filled out hundreds of SALT referrals defining the issues and how it affects the child's learning. I've had hundreds of meetings with SALTs over the years and openly involve parents in our assessments.

But what would I know.

ridinglilli · 17/11/2017 17:01

**My son never had a dummy ever- can’t understand why any parent would give their child one as completely unnecessary
I don’t particularly like dummies, but ended up giving my eldest one in desperation as she fought sleep. As one of my relatives said “at least you can take away a dummy” She only had it at nights / naps and gave it up pretty easily when she turned 3. My other daughter didn’t want one at all and at a week old (again when at our wits end through no sleep) fired one across the room!!!

OP I think the teacher was trying to help, but not necessarily in the best way xx

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/11/2017 17:07

Hmm, I have four kids.

Two used my nipple as a dummy, were cranky little buggers and got given real dummies.

Two sucked their thumbs from a very young age, self soothed and were very chill.

One from each group has required a brace, one from each group has lovely straight teeth.

The dummy users relinquished the dummies without much fuss. One thumb sucker still thumb sucks when stressed. At 22.

Basically do what suits you, ignore all anecdata. School overstepped the mark.

Roomster101 · 17/11/2017 17:24

Because I've worked with young children for many years and I can make a professional judgement based on the way a child forms their speech sounds. I have also filled out hundreds of SALT referrals defining the issues and how it affects the child's learning. I've had hundreds of meetings with SALTs over the years and openly involve parents in our assessments.

So you feel that because you have worked with children for years you make a "professional judgement" that a child speech problems are due to the fact that they have a dummy at night even if you don't actually know if they do have a dummy at night? So how does having a dummy at night only effect the way that a child forms their speech patterns.

Bashun · 17/11/2017 17:37

No, their job is to educate, not to tell you when who or how to run your household. You need to give the teacher a lesson in boundaries that they can run with. The teacher has forgotten her place.

Bashun · 17/11/2017 17:40

What are dummies? You mean pacifiers?