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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at teacher regarding dummy?

262 replies

Masha31 · 15/11/2017 20:36

My daughter turned 4 in August 4 and started foundation/reception class in September. She still has her dummy at bed time and in the car on the way to school. I'd rather she didn't have it and we are planning on 'sending it to santa' (or something along those lines) but it doesn't overlay worry me, she's content with it and not doing any harm.

However, today I dropped her off at breakfast club and a dummy dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and one of the morning supervisors handed it to me.....off I went to work.

I then arrived to pick daughter up from her afterschool club and the lady from the club took me to one said to say that she'd been asked to hand me a leaflet because daughter "has been seen to have her dummy in at breakfast club and said told the teacher she has it a lot at home. Mrs has spoken to daughter about her dummy so here's your Drop The Dummy leaflet". I was slightly taken a back and said she doesn't have the dummy at breakfast club and, slightly in shock, took the leaflet off her and left with my daughter.

I asked daughter about this and she clearly said " Mrs said that I have to give my dummy to Santa and that I'm not allowed it any more", I asked her how that made her feel to which she replied "sad because it helps me get to sleep".

Now don't get me wrong, I know at 4 years old she could do without it. However, AIBU to think that the teacher has no right to tell a my 4yo that she's not allowed her dummy or speak to her about it before speaking to me or my husband first? If they wanted to hand me the leaflet and/or contact me first then fine, but not challenge my daughter about it!

It also has angered me that this was triggered by me dropping the dummy at breakfast club and the staff in there have clearly gone and told someone at the school/the teacher. Slight bit of overkill don't you think?! Confused

OP posts:
llangennith · 15/11/2017 22:02

None of their business.

RozDeek · 15/11/2017 22:03

Not true all fresta, I know several kids who never had a dummy who suck their thumbs.

I sucked mine til I was 14 and I never had a dummy as my mum thought they looked awful.

Willow2017 · 15/11/2017 22:03

Completely got it wrong.
Yiur dd did not have her dummy at breakfast club you did.
I would have been asking why they spoke to my child about something that they made up. And when your dd has it at home its for a reason its not all the time.
You have a plan stick to it.
Tell them they were wrong and you are dealing with this in your own way.

CrocusEater · 15/11/2017 22:05

I'd rather be left to my own ways to stop her having it

Yes, but your own ways won't be as effective as somebody outside the family making her aware that she's too old for a dummy.
You are her Mum. You don't want to upset her. We all do it. Like I paid my dd's rent last month because I'm a soft touch.
It doesn't teach her anything, except that it's normal to have your mother pay your rent age 24 with a full time well paid job.

I'd love the LL to step in and tell her he doesn't want my money, he wants 'her' money. It's a bit complex, but I know what I mean.
You need somebody to be a bit 'harsh' in the nicest possible way.
Four is quite an advanced age for a dummy. You've been left to your 'own ways' for quite a long time. They are not working.

user1497199406 · 15/11/2017 22:07

Flumplet Hmm children playing 18+ games is a serious child protection issue. And isn't it just as well for all the children out there who need someone to listen to them disclose suffering/abuse, that their teacher will take them seriously? Smile

NamasteNiki · 15/11/2017 22:07

I wish I had had a dummy. My mum was anti dummy and I sucked my thumb until i was 10 or older. It pushed all of my front teeth forward.

My sister is anti dummy, both my nephews are still thumb suckers at 3 & 5. They do it all the time.

A dummy can be removed but once thumb sucking is established as a mode of comfort in infancy it cannot be policed, particularly at night.

Tell the school to fuck off. She is 4!

BlueberryIce · 15/11/2017 22:16

I agree with PPs that they overstepped the mark. They probably just have a blanket policy to cover the one parent in a million who thinks it’s ok to let a child have a dummy until they’re 10 or something.

CrocusEater · 15/11/2017 22:16

Wasn't the dummy/SIDS thing research sponsored heavily by a dummy manufacturer?

Yes it was, I researched this when my SN dd was born, and the hospital tried to settle her irritability and her fragility with a dummy.
Told me she was safer with a dummy. She wouldn't tolerate it for a second and spat it out. She's survived quite nicely without one. I chose not to give a dummy to the following 'normal' children.
I just gave them attention when they needed it, instead of sticking a dummy in. It works.

fruitlovingmonkey · 15/11/2017 22:16

YABU they are trying to help you.

Do you expect your child to get free dental care in the future? Perhaps they'd rather state funds are spent on education than orthodontic treatment.

NamasteNiki · 15/11/2017 22:19

Do you expect your child to get free dental care in the future? Perhaps they'd rather state funds are spent on education than orthodontic treatment.

Should the parents of dummy free thumb suckers get their orthodontic treatment paid for?

yorkshapudding · 15/11/2017 22:21

My son never had a dummy ever- can’t understand why any parent would give their child one as completely unnecessary

Good for you.

My DD was given one in the SCBU. Since she couldn't be picked up or cuddled and I wasn't allowed to breast feed her I suppose the Nurses felt it was important she had something to comfort her when she cried or when she was having invasive tests/procedures.

What a pity you weren't there to explain to them that it was "completely unnecessary".

fruitlovingmonkey · 15/11/2017 22:22

I realise thumb sucking can cause the same problems.
The point is that the child is too old for a dummy, the teachers are trying to help and the mother is getting offended instead of accepting help. It's a ridiculous attitude, I was just trying to draw attention to how ridiculous.

Mxyzptlk · 15/11/2017 22:23

Your DD did not have a dummy in at breakfast club. Mistake ≠ 1 by the school.

The school told your DD what "must happen" at home. Mistake ≠ 2 by the school.

The teacher did not discuss this with you before mentioning it to your DD. Mistake ≠ 3 by the school.

Support from the school might be helpful, as some posters said, but they should not have taken it on themselves to do this without speaking to you first, imho.

(I say this as a senior citizen who dislikes dummies, but respects your and your DD's rights to use them.)

PineConesAplenty · 15/11/2017 22:23

can’t understand why any parent would give their child one as completely unnecessary

The paediatric consultant told us to give our child a dummy to help his reflux. I am sure listening to a child scream in pain is preferable to the dreaded dummy. Hmm

It massively helped him and us. My best friend's daughter had one until she was 8. No medical issues, she just loved the dummy.

OP they were trying to help, some people really struggle to get their child to give up a dummy. The leaflet is fine, the talking to your child about it, not fine.

I don't believe your child initiated that conversation and that is how I would approach it. Ask the school why they gave you that leaflet, what prompted it because your daughter categorically does not have a dummy at the before school club. That could have been anybody's dummy.

Shadow666 · 15/11/2017 22:24

I get why you’re annoyed but it’s just one of those things that schools watch out for. It’s hard giving these things up but it’s a good time to try.

RozDeek · 15/11/2017 22:27

I just gave them attention when they needed it, instead of sticking a dummy in

Oh good the sanctimummies are here.

I personally preferred to stick a dummy in my baby's mouth and lie on the sofa with a joint and a bottle of vodka. Takes all sorts I suppose.

user789653241 · 15/11/2017 22:30

Don't understand the people who use dummy tbh. They only have bad influence. Bad teeth, bad speech, etc. Mine never had them, and there was no issue.

NamasteNiki · 15/11/2017 22:30

The point is that the child is too old for a dummy, the teachers are trying to help and the mother is getting offended instead of accepting help.

She is 4 not 14. She only has it at night and in the car. The mum rations it. She was already planning to take it away / give it to Santa. It's none of the schools business.

I was a thumb sucker until secondary school. I did it as soon as I got home and that was it all night and whenever I was in the house too. I had a comforter with it and my mum did absolutely nothing to stop it. In fact when I realised myself it was ridiculous at my age and weaned myself off it my mum was upset. I was about 13 or maybe older.

Ffs it's a 4 yo with a dummy occasionally. Her mum doesn't need help or anyones interference.

IceBearRocks · 15/11/2017 22:31

The shame..... My DS 8 still has his dummy. It costs us £12 per week in dummies .... Hes severly disabled and is oral adverse. He had horrendous reflux and no suck swallow breathe reflex. It was given by the nurse by advice of consultant paediatrician!!!!
I'm not taking it off him as he has few comforts in life and this is his! If he's anxious he chews, nigh nigh time he sucks it.
.... Although the other 2 DC did not have dummies.

Aged 4 you should be teaching her methods to self soothe and to not use something like a dummy.

Yep school should have mentioned to you first but you wanted it gone and now here is your opportunity!!?

IceBearRocks · 15/11/2017 22:32

The shame..... My DS 8 still has his dummy. It costs us £12 per week in dummies .... Hes severly disabled and is oral adverse. He had horrendous reflux and no suck swallow breathe reflex. It was given by the nurse by advice of consultant paediatrician!!!!
I'm not taking it off him as he has few comforts in life and this is his! If he's anxious he chews, nigh nigh time he sucks it.
.... Although the other 2 DC did not have dummies.

Aged 4 you should be teaching her methods to self soothe and to not use something like a dummy.

Yep school should have mentioned to you first but you wanted it gone and now here is your opportunity!!?

Braceface · 15/11/2017 22:33

*My DD was given one in the SCBU. Since she couldn't be picked up or cuddled and I wasn't allowed to breast feed her I suppose the Nurses felt it was important she had something to comfort her when she cried or when she was having invasive tests/procedures.

What a pity you weren't there to explain to them that it was "completely unnecessary"*

Great post. My eldest was in SCBU too for quite a long time.

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2017 22:35

I remember teachers telling girls at school not to suck their thumbs, thing was they were 8 or 9 years old

CrocusEater · 15/11/2017 22:35

Don't really get the thumb sucking link; most children who gave their dummies up young or never had a dummy don't suck their thumb

Agree. I was just going to say the same thing. This is not a dummy v thumb sucking argument. I never had a dummy and have never sucked my thumb. None of my children had dummies and none of them suck their thumbs. The only child I know with a thumb sucking problem was my friend's ds who had a dummy till he was age seven. Yes, seven, then started sucking his thumb whilst being weaned off the dummy.

Mxyzptlk · 15/11/2017 22:36

The actual point is - any advice the school wants to give should be given to the parents first, not straight to the child before even mentioning it to a parent.

NamasteNiki · 15/11/2017 22:36

Don't understand the people who use dummy tbh. They only have bad influence. Bad teeth, bad speech, etc. Mine never had them, and there was no issue.

Like the lady who had a baby on SCBU and was given a dummy in the absence of any other comfort, my friends 2 year old has a dummy in all the time. Constantly. I rarely even see a photo on facebook of her without the dummy.

Why? She has had cancer. Over a year of painful gruelling treatment, what were they supposed to do? It gave her some comfort when she was in pain. Even now with reassessment scans, biopsies, tests, the dummy is very much needed.

Yes she now has it all the time but after all that suffering, why not.

It isnt as clear cut as dummy = bad and lazy parent.