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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 15/11/2017 18:17

'Where is the new starters manual/contract did it say I was to do any of this? Oh it doesn't! Oh I see.'

Have they no life outside the office?

sleeponeday · 15/11/2017 18:19

They've complained that you haven't noticed them bullying you for not inviting them round for dinner?!

This is beautifully put.

HaHaHmm · 15/11/2017 18:19

If they have been giving you growlers then they may have rather different interests to you...

disahsterdahling · 15/11/2017 18:20

I think I'd refuse to attend the meeting on the grounds that I don't want to be ambushed and because my social life has nothing to do with work and vice versa.

Maybe act innocent and say something like "do I need to be in the meeting as I assume you will be telling them that my social life is my business and clearly trying to ostracise me at work is inappropriate behaviour".

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 18:20

I have printed out a copy of my bosses emails as after I posted I thought I got the wrong end of...well the whole bloody tree. Alas I have not.

Some context might help. My boss has been in post since the beginning of time. He and the other women have been in post for over 15 years and I am the first new blood since. My boss is a bit wet but generally nice. Doesn't really do decision making and has left me to my own devices. I am surprised he copied me the email though. His email said he has had concerns raised about me and my 'acklimation' into the workplace. I'm not socialising etc. This has 'unfortunately' caused a less 'together' team atmosphere. Can we meet tomorrow as 'one' to discuss.

The woman's email to boss read - few paragraphs asking about his kids/wife etc. We are concerned about Blue she is not involving herself in team life. She is yet to invited us to any events or to her home, to allow her 'work family' to meet her 'home family'. She seems oblivious to our concerns as she has yet to ask why we haven't invited her to the team Facebook group (I didn't know there was one). In an attempt to motivate her to become more open we have purposely not invited to her to recent events such as our Halloween party. This has had no effect. This is now having a direct effect us as we believe she is passively aggressively ignoring us and has even asked if there is a problem. As you know we have been a family for many years and it is upsetting Blue is not involving herself. This needs resolved.

??????

We don't have a in house HR they use a consultant for that.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/11/2017 18:21

Just out of curiosity, have they invited you to their homes?

NotAgainYoda · 15/11/2017 18:21

Do you work in a hospital or a doctor's surgery?

monkeywithacowface · 15/11/2017 18:22

I would email your manager back and insist on first having a one to one meeting with him to discuss the nature of the complaint as you are not prepared to be ambushed in a meeting where it is essentially 4 against 1. Suggest to meet as they have suggested would be extremely inappropriate at this point.

GreyTree · 15/11/2017 18:23

Growlers?? What's that? They sound like a bunch of twats.

StaplesCorner · 15/11/2017 18:23

In an attempt to motivate her to become more open we have purposely not invited to her to recent events such as our Halloween party. This has had no effect. This is now having a direct effect us as we believe she is passively aggressively ignoring us and has even asked if there is a problem. Dear. Fucking. God.

These people are basically Pennywise made flesh. Leave.

Lweji · 15/11/2017 18:23

We don't have a in house HR they use a consultant for that.

I'd ask the consultant to attend that meeting.

OliviaStabler · 15/11/2017 18:24

"Thank you for forwarding the email showing my colleagues concerns so I can finally understand their attitude towards me in the last few weeks, which has been honestly puzzling me. I did ask if there were any issues and I was assured there was not so I was surprised to find that there was but they did not raise this with me directly.

When in the office I am professional, polite and do engage in many general conversations with my colleagues on a daily basis. However, in my entire professional career, it has never been expected that I must socialise outside work with my team frequently, ask them to meet my friends and family etc. I am a professional and carry out my role to a high standard but I find their supposed insistence in this email that I make them part of my private life unacceptable and unprofessional.

I understand they are close friend and I, in no way, wish that to end or change however I have no wish to be part of their social circle outside work.

Unless you have concerns about the standard of my work, then their socialising and wish for me to include them in my private life is completely irrelevant to the work I carry out for you as an employee."

monkeywithacowface · 15/11/2017 18:25

Based on your last post that I hadn't read yet they all sound unhinged!!

DullAndOld · 15/11/2017 18:25

" In an attempt to motivate her to become more open we have purposely not invited to her to recent events such as our Halloween party."

This woman sounds like an utter cunt.

CoraPirbright · 15/11/2017 18:25

Agree with Lweji. Can you contact the HR consultant yourself?

norahnamechange · 15/11/2017 18:25

Here you are OP:
Apart from the delusional 'out of work' expectations, they are admitting to deliberately excluding you in the workplace.
The link has guidance for your line manager as well as you - and them!

www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment

StaplesCorner · 15/11/2017 18:25

*Thank you for forwarding the e-mail showing my colleagues are spiteful fuckwits"

RuggerHug · 15/11/2017 18:26

GreyTree growlers are twats in my vocabulary Grin

CoraPirbright · 15/11/2017 18:27

And also how weird is that email??!! She has basically put it in writing that they are bullying you!! The whole thing is utterly bonkers!!

Ravenesque · 15/11/2017 18:28

We are purposely ignoring her and she hasn't even noticed, why doesn't she know that we're being horrid to her! Why!

Holy fucking shit, these women are insane. I'd be looking for a new job with normal people.

WipsGlitter · 15/11/2017 18:28

Agree you want the HR person there.

Is it a charity or connected to a church?

It soooooo bizarre!!

SoupDragon · 15/11/2017 18:28

Absolutely not placemarking...

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/11/2017 18:28

Sounds like a classic case of the tail wagging the dog.

You might want to invite him to a meeting where you can lay out exactly how and why he is not in fact managing them, but the other way around!

Sashkin · 15/11/2017 18:28

Oh god you HAVE to send this to Ask A Manager (so they can have a good laugh too).

Unfortunately I would also start looking for a new job though, these people are nutcases.

coddiwomple · 15/11/2017 18:29

we have purposely not invited to her to recent events such as our Halloween party. This has had no effect.

this is one of the best thing I have read on this forum, ever. OP you absolutely cannot, but I wish I could see a recording of the meeting tomorrow!

At least you haven't been miserable for months, it's fantastic that you haven't even noticed their Passive-aggressive bullying nonsense.