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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2017 17:15

Oh for fucks sake.
Tell your boss you had noticed an atmosphere and asked and they said nothing was wrong..
Since when is it the office rule "that all be invited to your house or we ain't talking to you" ?
Do they all go to your bosses houses?

Betsy86 · 15/11/2017 17:17

Shock keep us updated i am literally Shock

MsWanaBanana · 15/11/2017 17:17

Come on. This can't be for real can it???

GColdtimer · 15/11/2017 17:17

eh, so they deliberately excluded you to get a reaction because they were pissed off then complained to their manager when you didn't react. That is seriously nuts. And your manager is even more nuts for not just telling them to grow up.

As to what you do next, I am honestly at a loss!

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2017 17:18

They need to grow up and so does your manager.

Tell him or her to stop wasting your time.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

Dreams16 · 15/11/2017 17:19

Tell them to sod off what cheek no one you work with has a right to come to your home and see your family unless you desire it cheeky twats

I like to keep my home life and work life separate I know some people make friends for life with people they work with but I’ve never been the type don’t get me wrong I’m polite friendly and chatty I just like to keep the two separate

I would let your boss know just how much the exclude you from their own little gatherings and also that so long as your doing your work and friendly and polite you don’t need to be best pals to do your job

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 15/11/2017 17:19

And ostracising you is a form of bullying.

Generally, that's true but is it still bullying if the 'victim' doesn't notice?

I think you have to look totally blank and confused during the meeting - you'll make them look like morons. And if you get a chance to say 'can I go and do my work now?' at the end of the meeting, do so!

Please report back how the meeting goes!

JetCityWoman · 15/11/2017 17:19

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treeofhearts · 15/11/2017 17:20

Wow. These people sound certifiable.

RaeSkywalker · 15/11/2017 17:21

I agree with remaining bemused throughout the meeting. How ridiculous of them.

AlternativeTentacle · 15/11/2017 17:21

They are fucking brilliantly twatish, no matter what happens.

'I am so so sorry for not noticing that you were bullying me, Perhaps next time you bully someone you need to make it clearer, perhaps put a sign up, or maybe the boss could organise some training for you - let me google 'bullying more effectively': I am sure that should sort it out. Oh, sorry I cannot find any courses for that, boss what do you think you can do about this? Just in case the next unsuspecting person just goes about their business and doesn't pick up on the bullying next time round'.

DameFanny · 15/11/2017 17:21

Have you had a performance review yet OP? Might be worth going through your productivity numbers with the boss, as I suspect they'll be better than the Mean Girls'...

Mulch · 15/11/2017 17:21

How odd for management to be involved

RatherBeRiding · 15/11/2017 17:21

Just out of interest - what kind of setting do you work in? This sounds ridiculous in the extreme but I think what is even more worrying than this frankly childish behaviour is the fact that your manager appears to be taking it seriously!

Unless of course the meeting is for him to tell them that work and private life are separate and it is up to you who you socialise with outside working hours.

Please come back and tell us how the meeting went!

LaughingLlama · 15/11/2017 17:21

I had to read your post a few times because I thought I must have missed an essential bit of the story ....... but no. Your colleagues sound like complete fruit loops.

So basically they exclude you then get a bee in their bonnet because you didn't notice!!! Hilarious really.

GeorgeTheHamster · 15/11/2017 17:22

In terms of what to do, I think you say as little as possible at the meeting. Let them explain exactly what you are supposed to have done. Say you will think about it. Don't say much else!

Lweji · 15/11/2017 17:23

It's work, not a social club.

Honestly, I'd tell them and him I want to keep being excluded. Who wants to be friends with people like this?
Just keep it professional.

Venusflytwat · 15/11/2017 17:23

This is the most mad thing I’ve ever read on here!

Do you have an HR department, OP?

Bluelonerose · 15/11/2017 17:24

Is your boss going to make you play with them at lunch time?
Pure madness Shock

coddiwomple · 15/11/2017 17:24

this is nuts! I sincerely hope your manager is a normal grown-up who will put his foot down.

On another note, It's not compulsory to socialise outside of work unfortunately in some jobs, it really is - sales being one of them. It still mean for the whole team to go for drinks/meals/weekends away, not stalking the private family of your co-worker!

Lweji · 15/11/2017 17:25

It's kind of funny. It's like a school bully complaining to the headmaster that his victim didn't notice and wasn't bothered by his (or her) bullying.

steppemum · 15/11/2017 17:25

haven't invited them home?????

blimey, I never had any work colleagues to my house, when we socialised it was out - restaurant /pub

RhiannonOHara · 15/11/2017 17:25

They're a bunch of weirdos and the manager is aiding and abetting.

Go to this bizarre meeting but say little and take lots of notes, would be my advice.

CrazyDuchess · 15/11/2017 17:26

What does your manager hope to achieve with this meeting?? Literally Confused

Goldmandra · 15/11/2017 17:27

Has not socialising with them affected your ability to complete your work to a high standard?

I thought not.

I would just keep asking in what way they feel your work is not acceptable.