To not notice I was being excluded!

[Mrbluethecatt]

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

I suspect the OP has been told not to talk about it and is sitting there wanting to type but can't. So OP we hope you are ok.

Wow - PA Shite at it's very best from your 'colleagues'
I hope you get to work from home with a new boss.
Good luck

Nothing helpful to add just that I totally sympathise OP, that's a workplace culture that's truly gone mouldy

I hope HR come through.

Oh - my - actual - god! How old are these women? 7? 8? I'd put a complaint in about bullying in the workplace, which is exactly what they're doing to you! What is wrong with some people!? I picked up our 4 year old from school the other day. She was telling me some long-winded tale about some boy who wouldn't let another boy join in their game at playtime, so he was understandably very upset because he felt "discluded". I looked it up: 'Definition of disclude - To separate, keep apart; to exclude.' She's FOUR! She uses the word "discluded"! And she understands that this is wrong. Perhaps they need to grow up! How very bitchy! Why on earth would you want to invite people who are capable of treating you like that to your home anyway, because they don't exactly sound like a nice bunch of people. Honestly - put in a complaint! I assume there's nothing in your contract that says you have to invite them to your home! And if your manager thinks they've got a case then he needs reporting! The only people causing at atmosphere at work are them!

This is dreadful and I do feel for you op. Ask the HR Consultant or your manager for the grievance policy. It would be good to read this and see if you want to complain especially about the way this has been handled.

I also think that OP has probably been advised not to post for the moment, and wish her well.

(I once got a 'take the next couple of days off while the dust settles' talk from my boss when I was blameless, too. Luckily that was resolved without HR.)

Do please get back to us with an update OP when you have something to report. I hope you don't decide to let these crazies push you into looking for a new job as you said you enjoy the work.
If the company have any sense they will find a way of keeping you happy. In the meantime enjoy having your husband back home.

Are you ok Dr Dr Dr?

Hello OP, I can see that some people have already suggested constructive dismissal but some others have suggested that you need 2 years service. If I've read between the lines correctly in one of your earlier posts ("reasonable adjustments"?), I think you are possibly disabled? On that basis, you don't need 2 years service if the reason for your (batshit) colleagues' behaviour is as a result of that disability. The key though is what your employer does now.

Other posters are also correct - you are the one being bullied (which you obviously know), not them. The HR chap sounds fantastic and has clearly identified that you are not the problem and that your company is leaving itself exposed to a fairly £££ claim if they don't deal with this correctly.

Best of luck - don't let a bunch of people who have stagnated for 15 years push you out of a job that you enjoy and are good at.

Please don't let these crazies bully you out of a job you love. Years ago when I was younger I was bullied by a deputy manager because I couldn't do extra shifts on top of already full time hrs .I had my DS who was a toddler and DH was working too .He bascially said that I wouldn't have got job if he had know this .I reported him he got in a lot of trouble and I left because I didn't want to work with him ,they wanted me to stay offered me job elsewhere but I left .Now I am older ,outspoken and feisty would I be bullied now ,not a chance. Please if you can go in and front them out. You are not in the wrong ,they are and you shouldn't feel you have to leave a job you love .Good luck.

Hang on (sorry I'm late to the thread) they set you up by starting a Facebook group you couldn't have known about and complained that your not asking to join it was evidence of your campaign of passive aggressive behaviour against them?

What a bunch of cunts!!

Looking forward to finding out how they explain themselves when their behaviour is pointed out to them by HR!

I worked somewhere for a large organisation where everyone knew each other/lived near each other/went to school together/ went dog walking together etc. I was totally new and out of area and wasn’t bothered one way or another with it all. For some reason my immediate colleagues went to elaborate attempts to keep a relationship between two of them secret from me. I didn’t manage either of them and it had no bearing on the work we had to do as one was quite peripheral to my speciality and they were perfectly reasonable people. This went on for 18 months! I knew they lived together by the matching packed lunches they would bring to work and the matching stories of dining table delivery woes. Yet they steadfastly ensured I was the only person not officially ‘in the know’. This bemused me (although I didn’t feel bullied about it) as it was so elaborate and unnecessary. People are weirdos!

They sound just awful it’s so good your HR is external so they can give the manager some perspective!

Sorry ostracism isn't bullying you can't have it both ways. You can't say you're bothering me by leaving me alone.cmon!

Bashun in what universe is ostracism or exclusion not bullying?

Being left alone when you want to be left alone, is fine. Being excluded from something uis different. In this case the OP did not mind being excluded maybe because she did not know they were.

The work'mates' brought their own bad behaviour to the attention of management who failed to discipline them!

It's like French farce with none of the comedy!

Similar thing happened to my husband several years ago. WTF?? You don't go to work to make friends, you go to do a job. My husband was too reticent with his manager after the "team" complained he didn't lunch with them (we had business he had to see to at lunchtimes, not that that was anyone's business but ours) and instead of complaining about the complainers, and their bullying behaviour, he had a breakdown which resulted in him being out of work for 3 years. Don't let that happen to you. Make your manager aware that you don't work to socialise, you do the job for which you were hired and expect to be supported, not undermined, by him/her. Good luck.

I hope you're doing OK and have a good weekend. Remember they are in the wrong here and I hope HR point out how weird they're being.

Leaving someone alone isn't the definition of ostricism!

Hehe @TheEricaOlthwaiteGang 😃

oh blimey, sounds like one of those situations when people have been in their jobs too long, formed a clique, and don't think anything exists outside of it. Obviously morally and legally you've done nothing wrong, but why your manager wanted to call you in is beyond me. He should have called in the emailer and told them to sort their shit out and not even bothered you with it. As you will have had the meeting by now I think, I hope it went well, and I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering what on earth was said (if it wasn't too awful to repeat)?

Any update OP? (Or possibly you cant tell us in which case I do hope it has gone in your favour and they are splitting this coven up! What an unhealthy dynamic for the work place!)

You might have stumbled into a parallel universe OP. In this universe you're the sane one. I think you've found more PhD material here: 'how do 15 years turn a small group of grown women into the boys in Lord of the Flies?'
Good luck

Ive worked in situations where people that were longstanding employees had essentially become institutionalised and just couldn't tell the boundaries between work and home.

It was incredibly costly to the business in terms of sales and productivity, and I'd be surprised if HR person hasn't seen that that is what is going on here. It sounds as though he knows his onions. I'd be working this angle with him just in case theres any suspicion, as raised by a PP, that's he's working for the business rather than you.

My favourite experience was being called to a meeting with the Manager, Deputy Manager and Upset and Disgruntled woman.

U&D was emotionally incontinent, had a disastrous home life that frequently, as in daily, came into work. I'd initial been mildly sympathetic, but as matters got worse had distanced myself from the utter draining chaos.

U&D had raised a formal complaint that I didn't talk to her in the mornings while we were working, before the business opened, because I was " getting on with my work instead". I shit you not, I actually stood there with my mouth open as I listened to it.

When asked what I wanted to say, I made certain that my reply was recorded and then asked if we could call our Regional Manager right there and then to say that I was in a disciplinary meeting for wanting to work and not chat about personal matters.

The meeting ended. Twats.

Hope you’re getting somewhere OP, bunch of bitches