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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
BenLui · 15/11/2017 17:49

Do not go into this meeting on the back foot.
Do not go in feeling guilty.

This is so completely ridiculous that I agree with a pp, I’d want an HR rep there and and I’d expect the meeting to be minuted.

The fact that the manager had called this meeting on these grounds would concern me that they were participating in a group attempt to bully you at worst and incompetent at best.

I’d go in very calmly, very politely and wait to see what they say.

Don’t get angry or upset.

There is no requirement to invite colleagues to your home or meet your family in any office based role.

As for socialising, going for the occasional lunch or Christmas night out is expected but hardly mandatory.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 15/11/2017 17:50

Wow. This is hilarious!

I agree with pp - be visibly bemused.

I’m curious why the manager even bothered telling you about this - what did she hope to achieve by it? It seems a straight “don’t be ridiculous” and “stop treating OP like this” would be the appropriate response.

If the meeting tries to set any expectations of you changing your behaviour (ridiculous if it goes this way) be ready with responses like “I don’t understand - do you have a problem with my work?” and “my social life is not up for discussion”.

Good luck - and post an update please!
Popcorn anyone?

sleeponeday · 15/11/2017 17:51

So they've admitted in an email that they're bullying you - interesting

Agreed.

They haven't aditted to ostracising at work though-just socially, which Op doesn't care about.

I think they may have, though? So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work - it's not clear if the OP is saying the last sentence is her own observations, or in the complaint email, but in context it reads as though it's the latter to me.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 15/11/2017 17:51

They've complained that you haven't noticed them bullying you for not inviting them round for dinner?!

Kailoer · 15/11/2017 17:53

The fact that the manager had called this meeting on these grounds would concern me that they were participating in a group attempt to bully you at worst and incompetent at best.

This!!

Rainbunny · 15/11/2017 17:54

First of all, these idiots have put themselves in the way of being disciplined for their behaviour. OP all you need to point out is that you approach your job professionally and interact with your colleagues professionally. I would mention that you have noticed their hostile behaviour towards you recently - it doesn't matter that it hasn't bothered you, they are impacting the company and the work that you all have to do by creating this bullying (even if failed bullying) environment. They are arguably a liability to the company and what if another employee comes in their crosshairs? FWIW in my +20 years of working I have only ever invited two colleagues to my home who are genuine good friends of mine. And meet your family?...ffs!

FetchezLaVache · 15/11/2017 17:54

I NEEEEED to be a fly on the wall at that meeting tomorrow! Did they really commit to writing the fact that they'd been deliberately excluding you??

ReanimatedSGB · 15/11/2017 17:55

It may well be that the manager has called the meeting with the intention of telling them to stop being so childish and silly. It would be unprofessional of the manager to send you a message along the lines of 'Dear OP, the whining twats have put in a complaint of some sort, please endure this meeting so I can tell them all to get a fucking grip, sorry.' Your manager is probably doing it by the book - but it might be worth taking HR representation if you can manage it.

LagunaBubbles · 15/11/2017 17:57

Why is your manager even taking this seriously? Confused

Starlight2345 · 15/11/2017 17:58

Place marking.

I would like to think manager will be telling them to grow the fuck up

Ravenesque · 15/11/2017 17:59

Wow! I've socialised with colleagues in the past. At one particular place were generally on the lash just about every day of the week. I also went to a couple of their homes and they came to mine, but we were all very young and the home stuff was because we were really good friends. The idea that we would have to do that is beyond bonkers. I cannot believe that you are even having to go into a meeting about this. Your boss should be having a meeting with them telling them not to be so bloody pathetic.

Heavens to Betsy, even when we were all at school it wasn't expected that we'd all be besties and be in and out of each other's home!

HamSandWitches · 15/11/2017 17:59

Does the boss invite them to his house? Does the boss socialise, are they in the Facebook group

LuckyLuckyWoman · 15/11/2017 17:59

I've never invited anyone from work to my home in the last six years. I have been out for coffee a couple of times with a few colleagues, but not for a long time. I did go to the first Christmas do, made my excuses since, these are my colleagues, not my friends and I like it to stay that way

gobster · 15/11/2017 18:00

There are no words for quite how weird this is!!!

They have genuinely complained about the fact you haven't been social outside of work and they've excluded you as a result and when you didn't notice this exclusion they actually sent an email to your boss!!

I'm baffled!

I would definitely print that email out to ensure it doesn't get deleted and email it to HR asking for someone to attend the meeting with you just so that they can get a warning.

Also what on earth is wrong with your boss to even engage with them over this! Surely you send back a message saying its work not a party you mad bat!

coddiwomple · 15/11/2017 18:05

Why is your manager even taking this seriously?

I am guessing he has to, he can't just ignore pettycomplaints and not take things seriously. If there is a terrible atmosphere at work and people are being excluded ( Hmm good lord...), he needs to have at least a look into it.

Let's just hope he will listen to everybody and find the professional way to tell the others to grow-up.

diddl · 15/11/2017 18:05

"I think they may have, though?"

It's hard to know if it's just out of work activities I agree.

That said, it's a bit stupid to say that they are all so upset because Op doesn't want to do everything that they do that they are finding work difficult.

That does sound as if they are bullying.

Mulberry72 · 15/11/2017 18:06

They’re absolutely fucking bonkers OP!

Why would you invite them to your home?

I’m so hoping that your boss is going to wipe the floor with them tomorrow and tell them to grow the fuck up! Completely ludicrous!!!

TrojansAreSmegheads · 15/11/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 15/11/2017 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/11/2017 18:09

Are you sat back laughing OP ? 😂

ownedbySWD · 15/11/2017 18:09

How bizarre!

HotelEuphoria · 15/11/2017 18:11

Omg! I am still very good friends with some work colleagues from 20 years ago. They only met DH at a wedding a few years ago and have never been to the house. We live 15 miles apart and worked in a location where none of us lived.

Why TF would they be invited to my home? I haven't been to theirs and didn't meet their OHS until the wedding either.

This is ridiculous.

AppleTrayBake · 15/11/2017 18:13

How bizzare.

I can't believe that your manager is entertaining it. A meeting about you not inviting people to your house? What a ridiculous waste of everyone's time.

I'd be looking for a new job. I mean honestly who can be bothered with his nonsense Confused

Turquoise123 · 15/11/2017 18:16

If he forwarded their email to you sounds as if he is sort of on your side.

Time to move roles if you can - this is never going to work out is it ?

Make sure the meeting sticks to relevant work issues. Anything outside work not at all relevant.

AlternativeTentacle · 15/11/2017 18:17

A meeting about you not inviting people to your house? What a ridiculous waste of everyone's time.

We don't know that yet. The manager might have the meeting and then give the twats a formal written warning. Personally, Id make sure that HR were there before entering any meeting regarding this.