To not notice I was being excluded!

[Mrbluethecatt]

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

Hang on, so are they complaining that you've somehow been passive aggressive by not noticing reacting to their bullying of you? Are they dense?!
And in what world, or job, would it be acceptable to get so over familiar as to go to each other's houses and expect to meet families?

Well that is a weird email.
Agree with PP’s that HR should be involved, your colleagues/boss are used to being a ‘family’ so it might be helpful to have a neutral outsider present.

You definitely need someone with you. This is crazy, ask where in your contract it states all the above.

Sorry growlers is a Scots term for dirty looks. To nonverbally growl like a dog.

I think I will call the HR consultant. He was lovely when I got the job sorting out my reasonable adjustments.

I work in the private sector not quite academia but something like that.

“We are concerned she is being passive aggressive to our passive aggressive behaviour”

Totally bonkers.

Alongside all the other excellent advice, suggest that in the meeting you make a big thing of how committed you are to the role. If this exclusion has caused you any professional issues or affected the business more generally then flag that loud and clear.

I'd probably talk about how busy your life out of work is too. Better to give the impression you don't have time to go to the Halloween party than that you'd rather eat your own toenails.

WTF! I am dying to know what type of organisation you work within.

They are utterly deluded. You go to work to do the job, a good team atmosphere can be conducive to doing the job but not a prerequisite. It does sound like a very odd form of bullying.
Do you otherwise enjoy the job?

Yes, make sure the HR consultant is fully informed of all this. You need backup.

I can't help thinking that OP will lose out either way.

If they are told not to be so daft then they are going to make work shit for her I should imagine.

If she doesn't become part of the family-vom-is it a cult??-they'll still make it shit for her.

She seems oblivious to our concerns as she has yet to ask why we haven't invited her to the team Facebook group (I didn't know there was one).

SO magnificently pass-agg, I almost want to applaud them.

Do you work for a cult?

So weird. Are you in a union? Talk to the HR person.Or leave. This is just so odd. Whatever the outcome of the meeting, you'd still have to sit with them. I'd run a mile.

This is bonkers!

Weird. Sounds more like a cult than a workplace.

This is not normal! Wish I knew what type of organsation operated in such a manner so I could steer well clear . I'm probably correct in assuming that you were given no indication at the recruitment stage, that the job involved such an extreme manner of teamwork? Please tell me you don't work in a caring profession! The thoughts of encountering such a bunch fills me with dread. What if your salary doesn't allow you to socialise? What if your household situation doesn't give way to inviting them to nosey round your home?! Wish you luck dealing with them.

So they’re bullying you and are upset because you haven’t noticed/don’t care?!

Fucking nutters

I don’t think I could go in there with a straight face. This is the most bizarre workplace thread I have ever read...

Its not funny and I hope it gets a reasonable resolution, however I love the fact that they were actively ignoring you hoping you'd then open up. Did they really think that through?!

"AIBU to complain about our collegue?

Our attempts to bully her are failing because she simply refuses to acknowledge us! We have deliberately left her out of social events, sent her to Coventry and not informed her of out of work FB stuff and she just doesnt care! She asked us if there was a problem, so obviously we said no (duh!) and she hasnt reacted to that either. Everyone knows that "No, there is nothing wrong" means "We hate your fucking guts" right?

I am going to complain to my boss, a victim should have the decency to act like one when they are being bullied!"

It sounds like some sort of cult, with their "work family" and "home family" and their desperation to enmesh the two
I can't think of anything worse, tbh, it sounds freaky.
Do you need the job badly, or can you make plans to move?

Strange people. I think I would be pretty blunt at the meeting.

While this is batshit behaviour and you are clearly in the right, you’re really in a no win situation here. The boss sided with you, they’ll make your life miserable and if he insists you’re in the wrong, how can you tolerate being forced to socialise? I’d be looking for a new job but I’d also be on the phone to the HR guy about these weirdos.

I'd be minded to have some sport with them. Tell them I only invite fellow naturists to my home, or that I live in a tent because my house is being redeveloped or something. But that would be childish.

Absolutely ridiculous to expect someone to socialise with you, just because you work together. Haven't they got any real friends?

How dare you.