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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 16/11/2017 09:02

Oh, and OP, good luck for the future. It's so rare to have direct evidence of bullying, I'm sure this will all go in your favour.

The fact that the HR guy is all over it like a rash will help too. 💐

Louiselouie0890 · 16/11/2017 09:08

They've reported you for not intoducing them to your family. Them and your boss surely realise that's your private life. How bizarre I wouldnt take it lying down

ShirleyPhallus · 16/11/2017 09:12

Wow....!

Whinesalot · 16/11/2017 09:25

If this is an outside HR company they can't go about pissing off their employer too much or their contract won't be renewed. I'm not sure they are going to be completely impartial.

ProfessorPickles · 16/11/2017 09:25

Some people are ridiculous Grin I’m keen to hear what happens next. Why on earth would they intentionally exclude someone

Lweji · 16/11/2017 09:36

I'm not sure they are going to be completely impartial.

I don't think they ever are. They'll be looking at protecting their employer from being sued, not you.

Clandestino · 16/11/2017 09:56

Honestly, if they make you leave, I would suggest you go to them media with this.
This is by far one of the most bizarre stories I've heard from professional life.

Ttbb · 16/11/2017 10:17

Glad that HR guy has been good so far.

dorislessingscat · 16/11/2017 10:23

Really glad you have support. But please remember the HR guy works for the company, not you. He could change his tune when he speaks to his employers, or get fired for taking your side.

Unfortunately in situations like these even when you are 1000% in the right you can still end up getting shafted.

RhiannonOHara · 16/11/2017 10:28

Please don't just leave, OP, if you love the job otherwise.

One way to think about it is, if you leave and they carry on as usual, the next poor sap in your job will probably come in for the same treatment.

HR sound good so far. I do hear what doris is saying, but 'the HR guy works for the company, not you' goes both ways –they're facing the prospect of losing the good employee in you, which is not good for the company.

I'd say talk to ACAS and a solicitor so you feel you're as covered as you can be, and see what happens next. Make sure you're kept totally in the loop.

LML83 · 16/11/2017 11:00

The HR company is not employed by this team manager I am sure senior managers will take HR advice. And the advice will be to avoid them getting sued which means treating OP reasonably.

TraceyBond · 16/11/2017 11:36

We're ignoring her to make her jealous so she talks to us!

Crazy people!

MyOtherProfile · 16/11/2017 11:44

Oh my goodness OP what a nightmare! Is there a possibility of a transfer to another dept?

Ceto · 16/11/2017 12:14

Companies employ people like HR managers to keep them out of employment tribunals and the courts. They would therefore be very silly to refuse to listen to them.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/11/2017 12:24

Here's hoping the HR person can help sort this out and in the meantime enjoy your paid time away from these loons!

wibblywobblywoo · 16/11/2017 12:52

Hoping good, sensible progress is being made today OP and that you will be able to come back and let us know, as far as possible, what the outcome is.

CoughLaughFart · 16/11/2017 13:57

*I'm not sure they are going to be completely impartial.

I don't think they ever are. They'll be looking at protecting their employer from being sued, not you.*

In this case looking after the OP will mean protecting their employer. The OP’s manager is an employee just like the OP - and it’s his actions that have left the company open to legal action. The OP has written evidence of a) her colleagues deliberately excluding her and b) her manager, rather than admonishing them for this, implying that the OP is somehow to blame. If HR tried to hush this up they would simply be giving the OP a stronger case. If, on the other hand, the OP was not happy with the outcome of the HR intervention and decided to sue for constructive dismissal anyway, the company could perfectly accurately state that they were made aware of a problem and took immediate steps to address it.

Cocobing29 · 16/11/2017 17:38

Sounds like mean girls #YouCantSitWithUs

Cocobing29 · 16/11/2017 17:39

Sounds like mean girls YouCantSitWithUs Grin

Katherine2626 · 16/11/2017 17:42

They have probably been hoping that you will be upset that they haven't included you, and because you haven't noticed it has escalated. What a weird bunch! I knew someone who used to say loudly she didn't want to be asked for a coffee etc with the crowd at the time, and then when she wasn't she got annoyed. I asked her if she really did want to go, and she said no! I finally got out of her that what she wanted was to be asked so she could say no, and presumably feel superior. I think you are dealing with a variant on this really bizarre theme, and they are behaving like five year olds.

Psychofortruth · 16/11/2017 17:47

Ha for your manager to have forwarded this to you! I can’t imagine he is taking it to seriously maybe just a formality to stop over them overdramatising....

What weirdos!!!

lifebeginsat60 · 16/11/2017 17:50

This is outrageous. Your manager is a complete twonk and needs to do some training. This is most definitely not the way to deal with a situation like this. Yo should refuse to go but it's prob too late now. Flowers

problembottom · 16/11/2017 17:52

How stupid are these women to acknowledge in detail how they've been bullying you (albeit without you realising) in writing? They need to be split up and to be given more work to do.

Best of luck OP, I hope your on the ball HR consultant manages to sort out the mess.

Dianag111 · 16/11/2017 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeamusMacDubh · 16/11/2017 18:01

This situation is unbelievable!! What hideous people.

Surely, after those emails the women will have to have some sort of disciplinary action against them? They openly admitted to bullying the OP in the workplace.