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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Toysintheattic29 · 16/11/2017 19:39

How pathetic. You probably won't win with emotionally unhealthy people like that. They are small-minded and unward-looking and I bet you aren't the first co-worker they've hassled. Keep a diary of events and threaten them with legal action for harassment if they continue. I'll bet the manager coludes with them too.

FaveNumberIs2 · 16/11/2017 19:46

Sorry, but you go to work, to work. Not form lasting friendships and sit in massage circles. Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 16/11/2017 19:53

Hope they get put firmly in their place OP.

Olivetappas · 16/11/2017 19:53

Noisy clicky busy body's who have had no insight of your life!

Sound like total loons

KnowsStuff · 16/11/2017 19:54

Lol they don’t have much going on in their lives at a guess. Certain types of older women get very territorial about their work environments especially towards younger female members. At your meeting with the manager state everything clearly as you did in your intro here plus as others have said:
You didn’t realise it’s compulsory to invite work colleagues to your home and prefer to keep your personal and professional life separate. If the manager has any sense he or she will realise what’s going on and deal with accordingly. However if not perhaps time to find a job where you are more valued. However why should you? You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Continue the same policy. It must have driven them crazy to get zero reaction. Lol Good for you

Olivetappas · 16/11/2017 19:58

Something tells me by leaving your giving them exactly what they wanted. You don't want to be apart of their clique you have gave them no inside information on ur personal life you have no massive interest in There group so they are turning on you like a pack of mean girls! I'm pretty sure u can take legal action as your basically being intimidated out of ur job

muchovino · 16/11/2017 20:00

Sounds like the Manager is weak - should have put a stop to this so it didn't get to this stage - how ridiculous. I have a similar situation at work, it seems more like secondary school some days Hmm

PutUpWithRain · 16/11/2017 20:03

I see we've reached that point in a 'most-read thread' where people start piling in based on the first post without reading any further...

OP, I really hope you're ok, and that HR have been able to provide you with updates & reassurance that this is being taken seriously, and that action will be taken so that you don't feel you need to leave/sue the arse off this bag of cockwombles.

I wondered a bit if the fact that you've realised now that being left out of things wasn't just a 'whoops!' oversight, but a deliberate ploy to upset you, had rattled you more than you realised initially. Being forgotten is one thing, but being deliberately excluded is far worse, especially as they seem to think it's justified, and your crappy manager hasn't said otherwise.

Hope you're feeling less shit tonight, and that you've had some positive news. If not, then your DP's home tomorrow, and that should help Flowers

Pseudousername · 16/11/2017 20:06

OP?!? Please come back and update us! So hope your meeting went in your favour!

cherrybath · 16/11/2017 20:14

I find the whole thing really odd, in most of the places where I've worked the other women don't speak about their home life (particularly their children). You're at work to get on with work, not to make new social friends.

I'm starting to wonder if one of your colleagues has a friend or family member who would like your job!

FaveNumberIs2 · 16/11/2017 20:14

@PutUpWithRain
Cockwombles. Grin I love that expression.

StefMay · 16/11/2017 20:15

I laughed so much in the early pages of this thread as their behaviour was incredulous - "we're bullying her and she's not responding"

But, this has clearly had a huge impact on your wellbeing so I'm sorry about that.

It's not often you get direct evidence of bullying from the bully. The HR consultant will be advising your bosses to sort this as you have grounds for constructive dismal with fantastic first hand evidence. Cannot believe your boss emailed it to you.

I think they are probably in need of training to understand that exclusion is bullying. They also need to respect personal boundaries.

Mia casa is NOT sua casa!

You gov website confirms your rights and ACAS will also help.

Honestly, I'd give them the opportunity to resolve but if they couldn't then I would negotiate a compromise agreement.

You mention you had work place adjustments - could they be discriminating against you as part of this? Some people are that ignorant, I'm afraid.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/11/2017 20:21

I had similar when I was transferred on a personal hardship into a staff that had worked together for over 15 years. To add insult to injury, I 'got the job' of one of them felt should have been hers. I couldn't understand the hostility and rudeness, none of them knew me from Adam. When I finally went to management about the lack of cooperation I was told that 'my problem' was that I 'didn't respect the office hierarchy' (meaning Queen Bee and the hive mentality). I was gobsmacked. But I persevered in doing my job to the best of my ability as one by one they retired, went to other locations, or realized that I wouldn't be bullied.

OP, if you love the job, then don't quit over this. You've done the right thing in notifying HR, now let them deal with it. Their behaviour is now a matter of record in case they try further shit. Chances are you'll come through this just fine, if you can grin and bear it for a little longer.

PutUpWithRain · 16/11/2017 20:26

favenumber I'm also a fan of 'wankspangles' Wink

IllegalBlonde · 16/11/2017 20:29

Awful people. Really hope you get a new manager and can work from home. Flowers

carolm42 · 16/11/2017 20:31

Tell them 2 grow fukin up u dnt need 2 invite them 2 meet ur family jst cause u wrk wae them, i dnt invite every1 i wrk wae 2 my house

Tapandgo · 16/11/2017 20:32

Don’t be pushed out of a job you like when you are in the right! You’ve got a case for constructive dismissal as your HR manager hasn’t tackled the bullying. The Head of HR has obviously recognised that.
Chin it out - the ‘group’ might get split up in ‘reorganisation’ of the workspace.

trixymalixy · 16/11/2017 20:34

This is totally mental. If it was me I would go in tomorrow just to see what happened.

As amusing as it is for us it must be really stressful for you OP, so I hope you're ok.

alliwantforchristmasis · 16/11/2017 20:35

I talk to the people that I work with but I even tell them I don't ever want to go on a night out with them. Why would you ever think of inviting them to your house when you have only been there for 6 months. When have they invited you to their house?? Omg this is so funny that they are acting like 5 year olds and your manager is hopefully just going to tell them to grow up. Good luck for your meeting if they want you to do anything goto your union and file a complaint for bullying as your manager has given you all the ammunition you need.

helsinkihelen · 16/11/2017 20:41

Big hugs op. So sorry that you're having to deal with this. Glad HR are taking it seriously. X

Raindancer411 · 16/11/2017 20:47

Wow, I wish I had of had as good HR guy when I was pushed out of my job by bullying from my bosses!! HR was very flaky and totally unhelpful. I feel for you as I had to give up a job I loved, and hope you do not :)

maxrayeseth123 · 16/11/2017 21:03

I should think HR are taking it seriously, they know how costly bitchy behaviour can be and guess who foots the bill!

Harrassment + bullying + possible constructive dismissal = Employment tribunal...

Sounds drastic but that's what tribunals are there for, these women shouldn't be allowed to get away with their behaviour and the manager should never have entertained them in the first place! Flowers good luck op.

redexpat · 16/11/2017 21:14

So how did the meeting go?

Tinkie25 · 16/11/2017 21:15

Madness. I’m glad HR are helping you out.

REBECCAB123 · 16/11/2017 21:15

You've done the right thing OP enjoy your long weekend :) it's a bizarre situation if you've got a grievance policy make sure it's triggered. Don't hand in your notice until you have a new job x