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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
redexpat · 16/11/2017 21:34

Oops missed the updates in the middle. Good HR at your work.

StopHammerTime · 16/11/2017 22:01

Everyone saying you have a case for constructive dismissal, you don't. You haven't been there for two years which is required. Your boss may well follow HR's advice but that is based on best practice rather than legal obligation.

REBECCAB123 · 16/11/2017 22:14

There is a clear cut case for workplace bullying though and written evidence. This is just with the emails she has let alone the ones she doesn't..

Spadequeen · 16/11/2017 22:22

So the woman basically admitted they’ve been bullying you? Not very smart are they!

millimat · 16/11/2017 22:27

Unbelievable. I don't socialise with my work colleagues. My life is too busy.

MsJolly · 16/11/2017 22:44
Shock
SleightOfMind · 16/11/2017 23:22

What does ‘see about next week’ mean?
That’s too woolly. Are they going to leave you swinging over the weekend?

Hope you get a clearer idea of how they’re planning to fix this by tomorrow.

This is utterly staggering btw. Genuinely amazed this could happen in 2017.

robusttoday · 16/11/2017 23:25

so sorry you're having this happen to you. I've also been in a similar work place where a long established group would spend large amounts of their social life with each others, and behave very oddly if others, (newer members of staff) in the work place didn't want to do the same. Like your situation, they'd project their hostility onto the perfectly reasonable people who didn't fall in line, and sadly, a lot of very nice people left the job, because it was simply not allowed to just come to work, be friendly and polite and get on with your job. Also, the boss sided with the dominant, long-standing clique. I left.... good luck Flowers

Hissy · 16/11/2017 23:52

I’m flabbergasted! You poor thing op!

SparkleFizz · 16/11/2017 23:58

Hope all went okay today, and that HR manage to do something to positively resolve things.

I noticed when I checked my e-mail and looked at the mumsnet daily e-mail that this thread was the top one listed in the mumsnet e-mail. You might want to think about asking MNHQ to pull this thread - if one of your colleagues were to see it, it’s very identifiable, and probably wouldn’t help the situation any.

caringcarer · 17/11/2017 00:39

You could not make this up it is so hilarious. Of course some colleagues become friends outside of work but far many more don't. As long as you are pleasant and polite at work there should be no problem. Please OP let us know how this meeting goes.

ManOfKent · 17/11/2017 01:11

Do what I did last week - ask your boss if you need to be CRB checked if you’re working with children.

...I’ve since been sacked, but it’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a while!!

Shadow666 · 17/11/2017 01:15

I wanted to wish you good luck. Take some time this weekend and decide what to do. Don’t let the fuckers get you down!

whatawhoppar · 17/11/2017 01:42

👀

Smudge100 · 17/11/2017 04:25

I doubt there’s anything in thee staff handbook to say you have to invite colleagues to your home to meet your family! YANBU, they are being wierd.

JustGettingStarted · 17/11/2017 04:59

I'm hoping for an update

Whyamistillawake · 17/11/2017 05:15

OP, some people have been saying you can claim constructive dismissal. You need two years service for this unless there is discrimination involved (and it's very hard to claim anyway) and so it doesn't sound like you'll qualify.

Whilst the HR guy sounds great, like all HR he works for the company not you. His job is to get the best solution to this for the company. Not to be all doom and gloom but unless there is an easy alternative solution, you are a particularly hard to replace employee or there is a big reputational issue for the company at stake, you might find that their response to 'I can't work with this team now' is 'tough, leave if you want to'.

It's not right, it's not fair but you need to prepare yourself that that might be the outcome.

Disclaimer I'm not an employment lawyer. It is worth calling ACAS and checking your legal position.

Lweji · 17/11/2017 07:17

You need two years service for this unless there is discrimination involved

One year, see my link and quote earlier.

Poorlybabe4 · 17/11/2017 07:29

Op i have no answers only sympathy! HR sounds good! I had somethung similar happen to me! I left school got my first full tine job with a reasonable salary. Allowed me to leave home and rent a flat! However the lady i worked with every morning decided she didnt like me! She would tell everyone i was bullying her and calling her names. However most of the company where and i wasnt as i needed my job! And im not cruel! She was batshit! I went from a bouncy smiley girl, the reason i got the job, to crying, panicking about work. One of the managers noticed and asled me what was wrong. I told him. She got pulled into a meeting. Cried gave the workplace bully script of being a victim. I got pulled into meeting after meeting with different managers. Made to apologise. Had to walk out of offices infront of colleagues and customers in tears and shaking! Turns out i was very similar looking to her daughter who unfortuantly died anorexia. I had sympathies but it has nothig to do with me! She would tell me she thoight of me like a daughter! But so why you being a bitch! After i knew about this i started watching her. Im sure she triggered her daughters illness. As she was doing the same things that her daughter did but not at a high level. In the end i was so miserable they sacked me because i wasnt doing my job properly! She told them i wasnt pulling my weight! Even though i was doing her work while she went around gossiping Bout me and shlwing this article she had in the newspaper about her daughter with photos of her when she was ill! Shock

I was yound and didnt know how to handle it! I got paid garden leave and found a new job within a week! There are some crazy people out there! She was outraged when i didnt say goodby to her but everyone else. She kwpt texting me!

Whyamistillawake · 17/11/2017 07:53

Lweji struggling to find your post given the length of the thread but it changed from one year to two in 2012. I remember your post had a quote that said it was one year for employees employed before 2012. If the OP was employed before 2012 then it doesn't matter if it's one year or two!

Please make sure you have your facts right before holding yourself out to have knowledge on something. Particularly if you're correcting someone else!

FluffyWhiteTowels · 17/11/2017 07:57

Thank goodness at least HR is an independent consultant and sounds professional and reasonable. Enjoy your days off. They are so out of order. Ostracising you for their own amusement and making you upset when you have done nothing wrong.

MadRainbow · 17/11/2017 08:36

Shameful placeholding - really need to see what happens next

emmap1976 · 17/11/2017 08:51

I would be extremely uncomfortable letting work colleagues (see my mess) into my home. UANBU. The manager probably wants to ensure you all get along for harmony and productivity. Don't worry about it.

Postagestamppat · 17/11/2017 08:53

How are you doing ok? Are you going in today?

Jeanneweany · 17/11/2017 09:14

All doctors have two degrees medical and surgical. Also in my job, someone insisting on friendship is classed as harrassment. When people force a colleague to socialise etc. Imagine if they were men not women. Employment law doesn't count if less than two years service. people hAve few fights until they have worked for a company for less thAn two years. Fuck them. Can you not work from home permanently?
Or transfer?