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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a total invasion of privacy? (New boyfriend searching my details at work)

152 replies

Kellyopio · 15/11/2017 12:28

I started dating someone 7 weeks ago.
I work part time in a office and also look after my gran who is 93 with dementia.
I live in a council property at the moment and get help with housing benefit.
I didn't want to get into great detail with him so just said I work office work.
He is a housing officer for a local council (25 mins away from me) different council tho.
He has never been to my house and I've never given him my address.
Sunday we were going for a meal and I was in town so I said it's ok to pick me up from town.
I got in his car he said driving was a nightmare it would of been easier to pick you up from (my address)
I've never told him my address and he keeps asking questions about work and hours I do and housing benefit etc
I think he's been searching my details.
Would you be annoyed?

OP posts:
TooManyPaws · 15/11/2017 14:36

And having worked in two different housing departments, I could have looked up any person or property on the database, both just a single patch. It's only the legislation and personal responsibility that stops people looking up who they want. He obviously doesn't feel restrained by them. Report the creep, dump and block.

MrsLupo · 15/11/2017 14:47

He said it would have been easier to pick you up from (my street name)

Weird... it's almost as though he wanted you to know he'd been stalkerish, like you'd be impressed and go, 'Oh, wow, how clever, how on earth did you manage to find that out??' And offering to log a repair for you - presumably you can do that for yourself. I think he wants to impress you in a really controlling, inadequate way. Not sure someone like this should have access to sensitive records, but equally I'm not sure I'd want to report now that he knows your address - stalker types can be a raft of woe that hardly anyone has any power to help you with. Either way, dump and run, but it sounds like you were going to anyway.

WhatwouldAryado · 15/11/2017 14:52

Yes he is in breach of the rules of his employment. I had a colleague working in housing sacked for the same situation.

WhatwouldAryado · 15/11/2017 14:53

And we all knew we could pull a report off of our activity because we used them to do cross checks of our workload.

Battleax · 15/11/2017 14:54

Weird... it's almost as though he wanted you to know he'd been stalkerish, like you'd be impressed and go, 'Oh, wow, how clever, how on earth did you manage to find that out??'

Or intimidated.

He sounds like a woman hating little inadequate, frankly.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 15/11/2017 15:03

I see the people who lack any sort of reading comprehension have appeared again Hmm

Honestly, those of you asking how the OP knows this....GO BACK AND READ HER POSTS PROPERLY.

I can't believe any of you passed an english exam ffs.

OP

I'd ditch him and run for the fucking hills.

*He's clearly looked you up- possibly in a massively illegal way

*He's letting you know subtly he's stalking you/knows about you - massive red flag.

*He's a judgmental twat

*You felt you had to lie to him about your work/life- again a massive red flag- you knew he'd not approve.

*You're not that into him any way.

And on that last note....

Please don't "stick it out" with dates with a guy for 7weeks if you're not even really into him. I don't believe in love at first sight or anything, but I am also a massive believer in trusting your instincts.

THe fact that your inner voice wasn't keen, but you overrode it, says to me that you are either a bit of a people pleaser, and didn't want to let him down, or that you feel you "owe" men things like dates, or affection, or attention.

Neither of those things are healthy.

Don't date someone, or give them your time, unless you are into them.

Dump,block and move on.....and get some strong boundaries around dating and men.

Also dob him in to work- it's easily provable if he did it or not, it won't get him into trouble unless he actually did look you up at work.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 15/11/2017 15:09

Seriuosly I do get the "it might develop" thing- especially if you are trying to rationalise why you just don't really like a seemingly "good" match after a couple of dates.....but you really need to listen to this little voice.

Life is way too short to waste weeks of dates on a guy you're just not into in the hope feelings will develop.

In fact in can be downright dangerous trying to work feelings onto a guy like this.

shhhfastasleep · 15/11/2017 15:17

If he did it he has committed one if the very rare criminal breaches of the Data Protection Act.
Dump him.
Report him if you feel strong enough. He should be fired if he did this and, potentially, prosecuted.

Motoko · 15/11/2017 15:19

Do you have location turned on on your phone? I often see things on social media with the person's location underneath. He could have got your street name that way.

But, I agree with everyone else. If you didn't feel comfortable with him, you should have dumped him long before now. We have intuition to keep us safe, listen to it.

shhhfastasleep · 15/11/2017 15:19

It’s a Data Protection Act criminal offence now. Nothing to do with new update to the law coming in next year.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2017 15:23

If they warrant a mumsnet post 2 months in, they're not a keeper!

This.

I used to work for the Council (different department) and we were in no way confused about this. It is really really bad to search for people you know. Do report him. Someone this unethical shouldn't be in his position.

gamerchick · 15/11/2017 15:26

Unfortunately you do need to report him. If you’ve told him you work full time and don’t he’ll be wondering if you’re claiming HB fraudulently. He could cause trouble for you in that area by getting your claim suspended. Something you don’t want this close to Christmas.

The rest of it is just gravy. He’s a knob so ditch.

DeadButDelicious · 15/11/2017 15:29

He has got to go. That is very creepy behaviour. You must report him, if he's done it to you, he'll do it to others or have done it before.

Original poster
Kellyopio · 15/11/2017 16:01

I've literally racked my brain to think how else he could have known.
Another odd thing about him was when we went for a meal he was looking down his nose at me ordering a dessert as they were £5
It turned up and I wasn't keen on it.
You should have seen his face light up,beaming smile,almost like he was pleased.
It was odd.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 15/11/2017 16:04

You need for formally complain to his supervisor. This is seriously creepy and he has likely broken the law.

And end it.

Jux · 15/11/2017 16:06

Someone this unethical is just as likely to use any information they get on you to coerce you into actions you do not want, and if that’s the case (looking at worst case scenatio here) this may well not be the first time he’s done it.

Do report him. He needs a sharp shock so he doesn’t ever do it again.

WomblingThree · 15/11/2017 16:23

Why are so many posters so keen to make excuses for this man and blame the OP for “overreacting”. Seriously, men are not such a scarce commodity that she should just accept his behaviour unquestioningly.

It’s completely immaterial what he’s done or hasn’t done - finding him creepy and not wanting to date him is the only reason she needs to dump him ffs. No wonder so many women are in fucked up relationships when they need to justify male behaviour, however odd it is.

SecretSmellies · 15/11/2017 16:27

Was the dessert thing in any way about control also? Like you should be watching your figure or something? I jyst ask because I had the grave misfortune to be present on what was the 'first date' my best friend had with someone. She ordered a pudding and he leaned forward and whispered; 'Should you really be eating that?'

I warned her. I did. She married him and is still in a controlling marriage where he is an utter arse for 23 years now. He refuses to let her eat more than 11bites of any meal- seriously- 11 bites ought to be enough apparently and she 'runs to fat' also apparently. (his quote).

Original poster
Kellyopio · 15/11/2017 16:34

Well ...funny you should mention that.
He tells me I have a nice figure but eat too much junk.
Then bangs on that I should join the gym (he doesn't go)
That doesn't bother me tho because I don't mind how I look and I'm quite happy in myself.
If anything it makes me laugh because he is not fit/healthy himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyopio · 15/11/2017 16:34

"Do you have to order a dessert after every meal?
I'm noticing a pattern here

OP posts:
SecretSmellies · 15/11/2017 16:36

He doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 15/11/2017 16:45

What did he say when you asked him how he knew where you lived?
I mean, he sounds no good either way from what you've said and I'm sure you are well rid of him, but presumably you did ask him how he knew?

K0729P · 15/11/2017 16:47

Going forward I would just explain you are part time office worker/part time carer, don't need to go into benefit detail etc but he probably started getting nosey and looking into your details as you weren't telling the full picture.

But yeah...get rid! He sounds like a prick - total red flags.

AdalindSchade · 15/11/2017 16:50

You know, if you don't like a guy you aren't obliged to keep dating him in case you start liking him. Not liking him is enough to dump him, immediately. Good relationships do not grow out of shitty starts.

liquidrevolution · 15/11/2017 16:53

There's clearly a reason why he was single OP.