Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse my ex convict FIL a place to stay?

269 replies

Peachypop · 14/11/2017 12:16

Am I being unreasonable to not want my ex convict father in law stay in my house?

Dp and I live in my 2 bed flat with our 2month old dd. DP's parents moved in 80s to Thailand to pursue business opportunities, it never worked out and my FIL was convicted of defrauding money. My MIL posted bail for him and he fled country and went into hiding for 16 years, occasionally contacting DP. He got back in touch about 18 months ago when he was convicted of possession of drugs on Thailand. He's a 70yr old man and he is soon to be released and deported back to UK. He doesn't have any family over here apart from DP (and another son from a previous relationship that he abandoned when he was a 10 month old). DP has told him that he couldn't help him as he has his own life and family now. However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

My MIL stayed with us when I was 9 months pregnant for 20 days without asking me in the summer and she's an alcoholic who would go out by herself to the pub every day to drink. She was supposed to stay in a hotel but instead she bought DP some suits for his new job. At that time, I was so stressed, working from home 9 months pregnant feeling a bit taken advantage. As a thank you for staying at my place she bought 3 suits for my DP, as if it was him she had to thank for.

Now, MIL is promising FIL that he can stay at my place without a clear plan where he would go after - he will need documents to rent a property that he doesn't have since he's not been in UK for 26years (bank statements, proof of earnings etc), we live in London so to rent a flat near us, she would need to pay at least 1k a month plus bills plus deposit so at least 7k. I'm worried she will back out if it when she finds out how much it would cost and we would be left with housing FIL.

I feel bad about not wanting to take in DP's 70 year old father but my 2 month old is my priority now and I feel like my MIL and FIL are irresponsible and expecting DP and I to sort them out.

OP posts:
Cactusjelly00 · 15/11/2017 10:27

Heathrow lodge has private rooms with shared bathroom available from £175 a week/25 a night. Little travel required presuming he's flown into Heathrow and I'm sure he can squeeze in some instant meals couscous and noodles + a kettle. He'll cope. Your mil can pay
If you're feeling generous offer to treat him to lunch.
YANBU

expatinscotland · 15/11/2017 10:30

Nope, do NOT in any way sort his fucking accommodation. No offering to put him a hotel, sending links, B&Bs, charities, etc. Don't make it your problem. Because it is NOT. He's an adult. He's not even a dad to your partner, he fucked off and abandoned him.

Cactusjelly00 · 15/11/2017 10:30

Must remember to rtft,
Don't let this man into your home and ring the police.

Swizzlesticks23 · 15/11/2017 10:40

Confused as to why everyone thinks shopping him to the police will fix the problem. It will only delay it untill next Christmas ?

And surely her dp will find out and hate her.

God sake this isn't a itv drama it's her life.

Nicknacky · 15/11/2017 10:47

I would have thought the passport office would have been notified when your uncle passed away? I would be surprised if agencies don't notice the passport office when it is such an important document. NAND has he had his brothers passport all this time?

natwebb79 · 15/11/2017 10:47

I agree with what everybody has said, N-O spells 'no'. And 70 is not 'elderly'. My mum turns 70 next year and manages a gym.

blueskydreams · 15/11/2017 11:01

If he gets a foot in the door you'll never get rid of him
You may also find yourself involved with dodgy schemes or having your address used for something very iffy
So no ....it's a no brainer!

crrrzy · 15/11/2017 11:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

TheMerryWidow1 · 15/11/2017 11:12

the comment from MIL "man of the house, tell her what to do" - would have completely finished me off. Just goes to show what she thinks of you really. Just send her a quick email saying this isn't happening!!! Lots of love from the "REAL boss of the house" Good luck xx

Hissy · 15/11/2017 11:18

ALL THESE PEOPLE HAVE EVER DONE IS PROVE TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN HOW THEY WILL DECEIVE ABSOLUTELY ANYONE AT ANY TIME FOR THEIR OWN SAKES.

He is a liar who has absolutley no morals at all, she is as bad as he is. they would literally rob their own granny without a second thought to better their lot.

They are not the people to have within a million miles of you/your child/your family.

They are so awful as parents that you should have run a mile and not had a child with their son. You need to get them the hell away from you and make it clear to DP that he is either with you or with them.

Make sure he knows it's THAT serious and THAT much of a dealbreaker. Be prepared to go the whole way. Don't be afraid of being the sole parent to your DC, you will do a better job than his parents, and a better job than he will.

Motoko · 15/11/2017 11:26

OP, pull up your big girl pants and sort this out. Your partner won't, so if you leave it to him, you'll be putting up with his dad.

Do it for your baby. You're a mum now, you have to protect your child.

Mxyzptlk · 15/11/2017 11:42

To be fair, I think dp needs to sort it all out without involving me.

Before you know it, you'll be involved by having a criminal living in your house, because your DP isn't sorting it out.

YOU have to PROTECT YOURSELF and your BABY!!!!

No sorry, no helpful suggestions, just NoNoNoNoNoNoNo to any of this.

And it Won't be only 2 days. You know it!

Mxyzptlk · 15/11/2017 11:47

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

All of this ^

Bail him? Seriously? Why would you get involved with that?

Tell DP that FiL is not welcome to set foot in your house at all and that you will call the police if he does so.

19lottie82 · 15/11/2017 12:12

Another vote for, if he only needs somewhere for two days then pay for a travelodge for 2 days...... problem solved!

blueskydreams · 15/11/2017 12:18

No don't pay for a Travelodge because that is an acknowledgment that looking after him, putting him up is your problem
don't offer any Solutions just say no

blueskydreams · 15/11/2017 12:19

If you give an inch people like this will take a mile

blueskydreams · 15/11/2017 12:21

He is a professional con man and he's been on the run and has been living under a false identity, no scruples whatsoever
Do not even trust him as far as you could throw him

Clandestino · 15/11/2017 12:28

I wouldn't let my own father stay in our house, especially on his own because I know that he has the tendency to go through personal belongings and documentation of the family, including the bank statements.
With a professional conman I wouldn't even think twice. He didn't turn to an angel just because he was in jail and he could also carry plenty of diseases from the Thai prison.

SisyphusHadItEasy · 15/11/2017 12:33

The idea of getting tied up in something like that would terrify me.

No, sorry - if MIL can fund the place to live, she can fund a hotel for the "couple of days" he is expected to stay at yours.

And if he has no job or NEED to be in London, seems like a wise idea for him to land in a less expensive locale and let MIL fund his life there.

blueskydreams · 15/11/2017 12:39

He has no source of income he has false identity his only skills are those of a conman.... I don't think he's going to go and work in Tesco's is he
He'll be thinking up some scheme or other possibly using your name and identity to make some money

Shelby2010 · 15/11/2017 12:50

He’s not an ex-convict, he’s a fugitive using a false identity. If you let him stay while knowing this it makes you an accomplice. Presumably leaving you open to police charges, social services involvement etc

Tell your DP that the answer is No, and he can tell his mother to make other arrangements.

Withhindsight · 15/11/2017 14:34

Fantastic point Shelby- OP listen up you could have your baby taken off you if you allow this- is that enough to make you make a move and take some action to stop all of this? Do not harbour a fugitive who if you do go to Dubai may, while you are away, have copied your finances and run up debt in your name and remortgaged or secured a loan against your home??? Do it, move, pick up the phone to the police, solicitor and dictate your and your baby's future - Do it lady you know you have no choice

yowerohotesies · 15/11/2017 14:39

Absolutely not.

It is also not your DPs problem.

MiL created this mess she should not be pandered to by having anyone else spending a moment on it.

Let her and FIL know that there is no way he is setting foot in your home for 2 minutes let alone 2 days and if he attempts to gain entry you will be reporting him to the police including his false identity crimes.

Stop describing him as an ex-convict he is an active criminal.

Your dd is not safe with him around.

Do not go to Dubai. Just don't. That would expect idiotic.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2017 15:07

At some point in the 'two days' (hahaha) you will be alone in the flat with your FIL and baby. You will need to go to the toilet. You need to make the decision whether to leave your baby in a room with a convicted drug dealer and fraudster, who chose to spend a couple of decades in a country notorious for child abuse, who you don't know. OR you have to take your baby into the toilet with you (which is very obvious).

Just say no. And for that matter, say no to flying to Dubai. These people are so shonky and dodgy. They will end up implicating you.

Original poster
Peachypop · 15/11/2017 15:50

Hi all! Thanks for all comments, I actually rang prisoners abroad as FIL has told us he was in touch with them. Unfortunately they were not able to give me details about what he was convicted if etc, but they told me that they provide emergency accommodation to prisoners after they arrive in Heathrow. They also told me that FIL has not told them he was going to arrive imminently.

This has really pissed me off, I was told I was kind of his only option.

I really want to find out what the truth is about this person and whether he will be able to get to UK on some one else's passport.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread