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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse my ex convict FIL a place to stay?

269 replies

Peachypop · 14/11/2017 12:16

Am I being unreasonable to not want my ex convict father in law stay in my house?

Dp and I live in my 2 bed flat with our 2month old dd. DP's parents moved in 80s to Thailand to pursue business opportunities, it never worked out and my FIL was convicted of defrauding money. My MIL posted bail for him and he fled country and went into hiding for 16 years, occasionally contacting DP. He got back in touch about 18 months ago when he was convicted of possession of drugs on Thailand. He's a 70yr old man and he is soon to be released and deported back to UK. He doesn't have any family over here apart from DP (and another son from a previous relationship that he abandoned when he was a 10 month old). DP has told him that he couldn't help him as he has his own life and family now. However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

My MIL stayed with us when I was 9 months pregnant for 20 days without asking me in the summer and she's an alcoholic who would go out by herself to the pub every day to drink. She was supposed to stay in a hotel but instead she bought DP some suits for his new job. At that time, I was so stressed, working from home 9 months pregnant feeling a bit taken advantage. As a thank you for staying at my place she bought 3 suits for my DP, as if it was him she had to thank for.

Now, MIL is promising FIL that he can stay at my place without a clear plan where he would go after - he will need documents to rent a property that he doesn't have since he's not been in UK for 26years (bank statements, proof of earnings etc), we live in London so to rent a flat near us, she would need to pay at least 1k a month plus bills plus deposit so at least 7k. I'm worried she will back out if it when she finds out how much it would cost and we would be left with housing FIL.

I feel bad about not wanting to take in DP's 70 year old father but my 2 month old is my priority now and I feel like my MIL and FIL are irresponsible and expecting DP and I to sort them out.

OP posts:
Amatree · 14/11/2017 20:38

No no and no. Your baby needs you to look after their wellbeing and not put them at risk. You would be an irresponsible mother to let this man into your home, never mind a complete doormat. Absolutely refuse and do not engage in the conversation any further!

Ttbb · 14/11/2017 20:42

So doesn't the government know that his brother is dead?

TrojansAreSmegheads · 14/11/2017 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveProsecco · 14/11/2017 20:59

Another no from me. This man is a stranger to you and your DD and has had no relationship with your DP for 16 plus years.

He has made his bed as it were and as a grown man needs to source accommodation etc for himself. I find it very hard to believe that if he stayed for only 2 days he could arrange a deposit/find a rental etc

Hortonlovesahoo · 14/11/2017 21:03

Absolutely no way. To any of it!

Wouldn’t it flag up on the system to the uk Authorities that he’s using false (dead mans) papers? I don’t know how it works.

Either way, be clear and firm. No lodging for FIL, no flight to Dubai and no more taking the piss!

(By the way if you do fly, just breastfeed on take off/landing and it helps the ears. We’ve done lots of flights with my daughter like this).

GreenTulips · 14/11/2017 21:03

How old Ian DP?

Original poster
Peachypop · 14/11/2017 21:08

I hope it flags on the system that he's traveling on a passport of a deceased person, it sounds like a pretty simple and obvious check huh?

DP is 27yo.

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 14/11/2017 21:13

Your DH is obviously sinking in the FOG with him mother. So you need to be bad cop.

Just email MIL, very matter of fact.

Hi MIL,

DH told me you'd offered FIL to stay in my flat. Unfortunately I won't be able to put him up, I have too much going on with the baby, and I don't want a stranger in the flat while I'm still finding my feet.

Hope you find someone else who can help.

OP"

Don't apologise, or overly explain.

Bekabeech · 14/11/2017 21:13

I'd suggest you read Toxic In Laws and maybe get your DP to read Toxic Families.
There are so many red flags you could use them as Christmas Bunting.

Being a single parent is hard - but vastly preferable to being with someone who won't stand up for you, has weak boundaries and would even dream about letting someone like this into the home with you and your DC.

WellThisIsShit · 14/11/2017 22:52

I put up with an awful relationship because I was scared of going it alone, and had a misguided idea I needed to give my baby a father by staying and being treated like a servant.

I snapped when DS was 10 months, as I just couldn’t carry on trying to make it work when it wasn’t.

I was amazed by how much easier it was being a single mum. So much easier than trying to make a ‘proper family’ out of an upsetting and dysfunctional relationship where there was constant chaos and emotional distress.

Not suggesting that’s what you need to do right now, but I do think you’d be better realising you can do it and make a good life for your baby on your own.

At the moment I’m betting you feel powerless and having to accept this awful stuff because you’d do anything to keep your relationship.

Knowing in your heart that you do have options and you do not have to put up with this toxic mess.... well, you can bargain from a position of strength, not weakness.

You need your partner to stand up for you and your baby. Not throw you under a bus whilst wringing his hands and pretending hes got nothing to do with it.

Fishface77 · 14/11/2017 23:02

All these people cause you is stress so why are you still with you let wet lettuce of a boyfriend?
Why can't you say no to his mum? She's not even your mil??? And why can't you just send an email or text to say his dad can't stay. Don't even engage! And lastly don't go dubai! Have you even got a passport for the baby? If you have lose it temporarily.

Fishface77 · 14/11/2017 23:02

Typos are horrendous sorry!

Sashkin · 14/11/2017 23:04

A quick google suggests that possession of false documents (which is what FIL would be doing if he comes back to UK on his brother’s passport) will get you 12-18 months in prison.

I’d shop him to UKBA. It might torpedo your relationship with DH, but so will having his crimmo DF living with you forever (and he won’t be entitled to recourse to public funds, so no way will he be getting any kind of pension, housing, benefits, anything. He’ll just be sponging off you).

JamesBlonde1 · 14/11/2017 23:06

Tell your DP you’re not prepared to have social services showing an interest in your child because of an ex con with historical drug offences living in your home. Who you don’t know.

Butterymuffin · 14/11/2017 23:13

Just no. Tell your MIL that no, FIL can't stay with you. No reasons, no arguments, no, not even for two days. Then you tell your DP:

  1. His father does not set foot in the place, or you and him are over (a pp said this too)
  2. He can go to Dubai for Christmas if he likes, but you and DD are not. His choice but it will tell you a lot about his priorities.
Clitoria · 14/11/2017 23:16

Your boyfriend needs to tell his mother immediately that that will not be happening. It’s nothing to do with you, you sure as shit won’t be housing a criminal, so don’t give it another thought beyond reporting the criminal.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 14/11/2017 23:23

I'd ring crimestoppers then. Make them aware that he's travelling under a dead mans passport. Your DP hates the man anyway.

Trueheart1 · 14/11/2017 23:26

Is it legal for unmarried couples to share a room in Dubai? I think it is illegal for unmarried women to give birth in Dubai. Be very careful OP, you DPs mum could inform the police and get you slung in prison and separated from your baby.

kootoo123 · 14/11/2017 23:30

Fuck No.

Madwoman5 · 14/11/2017 23:31

If mil has the money to sort him a flat then she can go on the internet and find something herself even if it is airbnb. Put your foot down and tell dp and mil, NO. Your dp is faffing. For his sake, your sake and your dc, it has to be no. With any luck he will be picked up on landing but if not, it should still be no.
No is much a simple word, only short, and you can say it lots of times in 10 seconds. Try it.

hollowtree · 14/11/2017 23:33

No way! Don't do this to yourself!!!

Withhindsight · 14/11/2017 23:34
  1. Have I missed why FIL is going to be in UK, why isn't he on the next flight out to be with his wife in Dubai?
  2. Visit or ring the authorities about pretending to be someone else so that he's flagged on system and detained upon arrival to uk
  3. Ensure you and DD are too ill to fly at Xmas (if you do most of the caring, DH won't know to challenge) fake D&V if you feel you can't put up enough of an argument not to go-or invent some family emergency where you have to go to be with your family and as breastfed baby has to go with you
  4. The whole thing is nonsense, can you get a day out of the house and reflect to look in at how it really is, then get mad and say NO! NO! NO! NO!
  5. tell your DH that you will shop FIL to the authorities if he does turn up at your flat
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/11/2017 23:44

Take control of your life! You have everything you need. Just do it!

I hope it flags on the system that he's traveling on a passport of a deceased person How about instead of hoping you instead ensure it happens by reporting it tomorrow.

Tell DH that you've thought about it and you've decided that his father is never to cross your threshold. Ever.

Tell DH that you and DD are not going to Dubai as a direct result of his mother pulling this shit. You are staying home to have a lovely Christmas together and you would prefer it if he stayed home with you too.

I wouldn't travel through those countries as an unmarried mother, accompanied by a man I am not married to, especially not if I knew I was going to meet an alcoholic who wanted to piss me off and who would quite like me out of the way.

Littlechocola · 14/11/2017 23:50

absolutely no way !

Madwoman5 · 14/11/2017 23:55

You would be harbouring a fugitive. Perhaps your dp is hoping you will make the decision so just do it. If mil is so desperate to see her gc then surely she can travel here and stay in a b and b with fil. Sounds like even she does not want to be with him. You and dp owe them nothing. Nada. Nowt. They are adults and can organise themselves. Make the call. No sorry we cannot.... you are not sorry. Do you want a criminal in your home for the time you are away. No. Mil can get a refund and pay for his accommodation.