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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse my ex convict FIL a place to stay?

269 replies

Peachypop · 14/11/2017 12:16

Am I being unreasonable to not want my ex convict father in law stay in my house?

Dp and I live in my 2 bed flat with our 2month old dd. DP's parents moved in 80s to Thailand to pursue business opportunities, it never worked out and my FIL was convicted of defrauding money. My MIL posted bail for him and he fled country and went into hiding for 16 years, occasionally contacting DP. He got back in touch about 18 months ago when he was convicted of possession of drugs on Thailand. He's a 70yr old man and he is soon to be released and deported back to UK. He doesn't have any family over here apart from DP (and another son from a previous relationship that he abandoned when he was a 10 month old). DP has told him that he couldn't help him as he has his own life and family now. However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

My MIL stayed with us when I was 9 months pregnant for 20 days without asking me in the summer and she's an alcoholic who would go out by herself to the pub every day to drink. She was supposed to stay in a hotel but instead she bought DP some suits for his new job. At that time, I was so stressed, working from home 9 months pregnant feeling a bit taken advantage. As a thank you for staying at my place she bought 3 suits for my DP, as if it was him she had to thank for.

Now, MIL is promising FIL that he can stay at my place without a clear plan where he would go after - he will need documents to rent a property that he doesn't have since he's not been in UK for 26years (bank statements, proof of earnings etc), we live in London so to rent a flat near us, she would need to pay at least 1k a month plus bills plus deposit so at least 7k. I'm worried she will back out if it when she finds out how much it would cost and we would be left with housing FIL.

I feel bad about not wanting to take in DP's 70 year old father but my 2 month old is my priority now and I feel like my MIL and FIL are irresponsible and expecting DP and I to sort them out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachypop · 14/11/2017 12:47

@splinterz she goes on boozy brunches so the time and drinks at home and rings DP late at night! It's a nightmare!

OP posts:
MinervaSaidThar · 14/11/2017 12:47

YANBU at all. Have you told DH? What was his response?

ArcheryAnnie · 14/11/2017 12:48

Seriously, don't even have him around for dinner. If you must meet up with him, do it in a cafe or restaurant.

I would not worry about upsetting your MIL at all.

AstridWhite · 14/11/2017 12:48

YADNBU.

OnionShite · 14/11/2017 12:48

This sounds like bollocks since he might well be accommodated by Her Majesty on his return, but if that's not going to happen, MIL can simply rent him a B and B or apartment before he arrives. Job's a good un.

DarthMaiden · 14/11/2017 12:49

You have a 2 bedroom flat. Aside from any other reason it’s not fair to expect your child to be evicted from her room to house someone else.

You need to be firm from the outset to your DH and MIL/FIL. It’s not happening.

I’m not sure about comments from a pp as per the repercussions of him skipping bail and possibly being arrested but I wouldn’t take the risk.

He’s presumably got no assets and you can’t rely on MIL to keep her word. Once he’s moved in I’m damn sure he won’t be in a hurry to move out again.

Sit down with your DH and make it clear it’s not happening and he needs to sort this out with his mother.

If he turns up on the doorstep, turn him away.

OnionShite · 14/11/2017 12:49

Abu Dhabi isn't dry you know!

MNOverinvestor · 14/11/2017 12:50

Your FIL (or enabling MIL) should contact Prisoners Abroad www.prisonersabroad.org.uk/ - it's a charity set up to support UK citizens when incarcerated abroad and when they're deported back to the UK. For the latter, it finds them flats and helps them claim benefits etc. (I've done some work with them and since the increase in deportation, this has been an increasingly large part of their work and they do it well.)

CoolCarrie · 14/11/2017 12:50

No is a prefect answer to this one OP, and don't you & dh feel guilty about this. Your dh has his own family with you and your wee baby, this man is clearly bad news, and don't let his age sway your feelings, you have no responsibility for him or your mil.

Motoko · 14/11/2017 12:50

Of course you're not being unreasonable! It's your MIL who is.

Put your foot down and stick to your guns. It sounds like your DP is in agreement with you, so put up a united front and say no. And then stick to it like glue. Don't let the ILs try to guilt you into doing what they want. Just remember that you are not the ones in the wrong here, they are, whatever anybody else says. Don't fall for the "it's family" and "blood is thicker than water" bullshit.

CoolCarrie · 14/11/2017 12:51

And change your phone number to stop her ridiculous calls!

astoundedgoat · 14/11/2017 12:54

It doesn't seem likely that he will just get off the plane and hop on the Piccadilly into London. Most likely he will be met off the plane and held in custody, esp. as they know he is a known flight risk from being in hiding before.

I would be inclined to ring your local police station and ask how these things work. Or the home office?

As for what might happen in the unlikely event that he DOES turn up, refuse. If you don't want him staying in your home, then just keep repeating no and make sure your DH is 100% aware of this and that if he has made some private arrangement with your MIL about where FIL goes on arrival, that he is not to stay with your and your DH/MIL can finance a B&B.

Don't say "no" without offering a semi-solution. Be prepared to pre-empt the eventuality that your DH is quietly just going to let FIL arrive and hope that you'll be too polite to tell him to GTF when actually presented with him on the doorstep.

astoundedgoat · 14/11/2017 12:55

MNOverinvestor I love Mumsnet for this kind of information. :)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/11/2017 12:55

Peachy, absolutely not, 2 days will turn into, goodness knows what !
You must stand up for what's right, and say "NO".
You owe him nothing.
You have been taken advantage of, already, this time your eyes are open wide, and you have a baby to consider.

StrangeLookingParasite · 14/11/2017 12:57

However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The cheeky mare.

No. Absolutely not. Not in any way appropriate, for any time, not even for two days, because you know it won't be two days.

Inertia · 14/11/2017 12:57

Absolutely not unreasonable- do not touch this arrangement with a barge pole. Surely if you willingly house a criminal who still has an arrest warrant out you would be committing some kind of aiding and abetting crime yourself ?

Fishface77 · 14/11/2017 12:58

Did you post about you mil before? Sounds vaguely familiar.

Anyway say no. He won't leave after 2 days but you know that.
Is the flat in your name or DP/DH? (Which is it by the way)?
If push comes to shove would you be willing to tell him to move out and take fil with him?

Motoko · 14/11/2017 12:59

Yeah, don't even let him stay for one night, because once he's got his foot in the door, you won't be able to get rid of him.

KimmySchmidt1 · 14/11/2017 12:59

absolutely avoid like the plague. He is a career criminal and hardly about to stop committing crimes now that he is in a new country with no chance of work. he will only bring you trauma and get your flat caught up with the police. You are entitled to escape these people.

BluePheasant · 14/11/2017 13:01

There’s no way I’d agree to that. You don’t even know the man apart from the fact that he’s been a pretty serious criminal!

YANBU. Put your foot down and don’t feel guilty about it. He’s not your responsibility. He made his bed.

Lana1234 · 14/11/2017 13:01

Of course yanbu. This man is a complete stranger to you but on top of that also an ex convict. Who knows what trouble he could potentially bring to your doorstep. It's not worth the stress or risk, you have your LO to think about.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes · 14/11/2017 13:02

If she can afford to pay for a flat for him in London she can afford to put him in a travel lodge.

Absolutely stand firm on this.

RandomDreams · 14/11/2017 13:05

YANBU but hopefully he'll be nicked when he lands anyway so he'll have a place to stay, it just won't be where he thought it would be.

eddielizzard · 14/11/2017 13:05

absolutely NO WAY

Anxioustabbycat · 14/11/2017 13:05

Nope absolutely not! Why would you put up a convict you have never met? Drug conviction?...
Being blunt is best so say NO.
Or say you don’t have room. A 2 bed flat with a baby ? Make damn sure you NEED both bedrooms. Do whatever that takes but don’t take this man in. It’s your DH responsibility to stop this btw