AIBU to refuse my ex convict FIL a place to stay?

[Peachypop]

Am I being unreasonable to not want my ex convict father in law stay in my house?

Dp and I live in my 2 bed flat with our 2month old dd. DP's parents moved in 80s to Thailand to pursue business opportunities, it never worked out and my FIL was convicted of defrauding money. My MIL posted bail for him and he fled country and went into hiding for 16 years, occasionally contacting DP. He got back in touch about 18 months ago when he was convicted of possession of drugs on Thailand. He's a 70yr old man and he is soon to be released and deported back to UK. He doesn't have any family over here apart from DP (and another son from a previous relationship that he abandoned when he was a 10 month old). DP has told him that he couldn't help him as he has his own life and family now. However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

My MIL stayed with us when I was 9 months pregnant for 20 days without asking me in the summer and she's an alcoholic who would go out by herself to the pub every day to drink. She was supposed to stay in a hotel but instead she bought DP some suits for his new job. At that time, I was so stressed, working from home 9 months pregnant feeling a bit taken advantage. As a thank you for staying at my place she bought 3 suits for my DP, as if it was him she had to thank for.

Now, MIL is promising FIL that he can stay at my place without a clear plan where he would go after - he will need documents to rent a property that he doesn't have since he's not been in UK for 26years (bank statements, proof of earnings etc), we live in London so to rent a flat near us, she would need to pay at least 1k a month plus bills plus deposit so at least 7k. I'm worried she will back out if it when she finds out how much it would cost and we would be left with housing FIL.

I feel bad about not wanting to take in DP's 70 year old father but my 2 month old is my priority now and I feel like my MIL and FIL are irresponsible and expecting DP and I to sort them out.

'This has really pissed me off, I was told I was kind of his only option.

I really want to find out what the truth is about this person and whether he will be able to get to UK on some one else's passport.'

Why? He's nothing to do with you or your baby. Stop making him your problem. The only problem you have is your spineless partner and having to tell his mother NO to her husband ever setting foot in the house or your taking your kid to Abu.

You also need to remind DP that his mother is abroad and has NO control over him . she can do NOTHING to him if he refuses to help this man (who let him down so spectacularly)

Putting up this morally bankrupt specimen will not result in DP having the dad he never had back again. that ship never so much sailed as it did sink like a stone at launch.

This man is not your problem. Hell, he's not even DP problem or in fact MIL. Interested as to why SHE is so pro him tbh, or was the 'leaving her in the lurch' a pack of lies too, have his ill-gotten gains from the ponzi been looked after by her all this time?

You need to clearly and calmly state to your DP that this man - whoever the fuck he says he is - won't be staying with you at any point in time.

I doubt he'll get a pardon if that is his only hope at release. If I were you I WOULD call whoever it takes to pass the info on that he is not who he says he is.

I also wouldn't set foot in dubai

Your DP needs to cut these awful people out of his life. You need to be the matriarch of your household.

OP

Remember that you have no obligation, legal or moral, to assist your FIL.

You do have a legal and moral obligation to protect your child.

You are not this man's "only option" anymore than anyone else vaguely connected to him.

JUST SAY NO

I'm late to commenting on this - but as other people have said - this is not your problem and it's a terrible idea.

However it doesn't look like anyone has pointed out that having your FIL stay in your property will likely invalidate any property insurance you have (or which your landlord has). I renewed mine last week and was asked about everyone I lived with and whether they had convictions.

hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/insurance-convictions-simple-guide/

Don't Let That Man Anywhere Near Your Home And Baby!!!!

It doesn't matter what the "truth about him" is. You already know enough to know you shouldn't get involved with him in even the tiniest way.

Think ahead to a possible court appearance for you - You as the homeowner, not your DP - for harbouring a criminal on the run, or for your address being used in some kind of scam, or for who knows what trouble he might get you into.

Say No Now.

Have you decided whether you are going to Dubai? Cancelled the ticket?

Have you told DH your decision is "No" to FIL staying?

Neither of your in laws care seem to care about your safety and security. Your mil is willing to put you at risk by inviting you to a country, where you could face imprisonment. Your Fil is a repeat offender and will not care less about you as long as he has his own way.

I spoke to dp told him that prisoners abroad provide emergency accommodation and that's where FIL should stay. I also told him off for getting me involved, I really have a handful with a baby and i need help and support from him rather than all of this.
In terms of dubai, I don't want to go but I'm looking for a reason to get out of it. To be fair dd is a fussy baby and I think that's what I will say.

You could be arrested for having a relationship and a baby when you aren’t married. That’s enough reason not to go surely?

Along with the basic “I don’t want to”.

I’m sorry to say that I think your life might be far less stressful as a single mother.

I’d suggest putting your foot down before you get dragged into any more drama.

Notevilstepmother ^ Exactly!

OP, stick up for yourself and your baby. Tell DP you want nothing to do with either of his parents and they must not come anywhere near your home.

If he is not okay with this, do you really want him enough to face a future with his lowlife parents too?

Decide now, before you are dragged into anything.

If you end up in prison in Dubai, don't bother posting on here. You'll get no sympathy.

You dont need to find a reason not to go.
You dont want to that's sufficient.

I wouldnt go near someone who is so horrid and manipulative never mind go half way around the world for her.
And pp is right being an unmaried mum is very risky in dubai. It is not allowed and you could risk imprisonment. Thats a good enough reason to make you stick to your guns.

In terms of dubai, I don't want to go but I'm looking for a reason to get out of it. To be fair dd is a fussy baby and I think that's what I will say.

Er, your reason for not going is that you could be arrested and jailed.

God, please please do not allow this man (or the MIL for that matter) anywhere near you, and do not go to Dubai. You are taking a truly horrible risk if you do.

Why do you think you need a special reason for not going?

Is it because you will appear to be changing your mind?

Oh for pity's sake! You don't have to make excuses about fussy babies or anything else! I'm entirely sympathetic towards you as a mother who is struggling through motherhood with zero support, but your fart-arsing around the issues is making them a hundred times worse. Between you and your partner, it's like listening to a pair of Mavis Riley tribute acts in a competition to find out who's the least effectual.

Don't go to Dubai. There's every chance you'll be arrested and your baby will be taken off you. Anyone who is not able to see that as an instant reason to just stay at home is not smart enough to keep a baby safe.

Report your FIL's fraud. The authorities are tough, but they aren't telepathic and hope is a crap reporting system. Keep him away from your baby, from you, from your home. Partner lets FIL into your home then partner gets dumped too.

You have every reason to not go to Dubai and do not need to find an alternate excuse.

It is a country where not only is being an unwed mother illegal, sleeping in the same room as your dp, let alone sex (if you are up for that this soon after giving birth) could see you jailed. Other draconian laws include that having even the tiniest trace of a drug in your bloodstream counts as "posession" and this covers prescription medicines that are perfectly legal in the UK. A British tourist was jailed on a drug offense purely because the codine she had been legitimately given for a bad back was found in her bloodstream.

There is no amount of money in the world that would persuade me to set foot there.

I agree with pp, report him, lock the door/change locks if you think dp has sent a key and do not go to Dubai!

I would report him to the authorities anonymously. Please do not let him into your home. He could still be involved in criminal activity. What if he uses your address and possibly your identity to pull off another scam? Or his stash of drugs is discovered? He is likely to disappear, leaving you to face the music. And then you will have to explain to the police how it was your fugitive FIL and why you were harbouring a wanted criminal in your home with a small baby.

And if he still has access to your home or has kept a spare key while you are off in Dubai, there's no knowing what he might be up to.

If you do allow him access to your home, please ensure you change the locks after the two days are up.

OP you do realise that your FIL won't be able to just rent a place even if mother in law comes up with rent and deposit , even if she comes up with six months rent and deposit

1 father in law won't pass any type of credit check land lords will still do this even with a guarantor

2 this means that should you find him s place most ( 99 percent of landlords ) will require a guarantor

3 that guarantor must be a UK home owning employed adult

1. basically the guarantor would be you as your a home owing employed adult .

5 this means that you will be responsible for FIL rent should he not pay it if he dosent pay the rent they will chase you for it .
As you own a house they will very aggressively chase you for any money owed

Personally I would get his flight details then ring up the airport and ask to speak to the airport police and report him .
This will ensure he will get arrested when he arrive

Quite honestly it depends if you think he deserves a second chance or not.

Op should allow a convicted criminal whom she has never met who abandoned not just her dp but another son for years, who is using his dead brothers identity to defraud uk justce too into her home for an indefinite time to 'give him a second chance'?

Are you serious?

Its nothing to do with op. He made his own mess voluntarily he can get himself out of it. He cant have a 2nd chance if he will continue to live under a false identity in uk and op will be complicit in this.

This whole thing is as dodgy as fuck. "Let my criminal ex stay with you for a couple of days, better still come to dubai for xmas and risk imprisonment while he stays in your home alone, nothing dodgy could possibly happen while you are out the country."
Really?

Hell no, you're NBU. If I were you I would contact social services and make sure they know this very elderly ex-con is coming home and let them fix him up with a place. You absolutely must not take him in (he is a stranger) and your DP should be right behind you. The MIL is being VU- tell her to butt out that you are an adult who should be consulted about decisions concerning you and your family. Stand your ground and say absolutely not.

Have not RTFT but got the gist of it.
No you absolutely should not have been put in this situation. I have a newborn too and that alone is all the stress any new mum needs. I hope you dh steps up and tells his mum no way and that that is his decision as well as yours. He's a grown man, a husband and father. He needs to be putting his immediate family first!

Also for Xmas I am visiting family. This requires a 1 hour flight an i am dreading that. Just the stress of getting baby and all that goes with her thro airport security and onto plane etc (alone In my case). And stress of take off and landing, now short internal flight so plane doesn't go that high and as I said it's a 60 minute flight. I cannot even begin to imagine how horrific a 13 hour flight and 2 hour layover will be for you. As well as having with you all she needs for that 15 hours min. No one in their right might would expect you to do that journey. And no one with any common sensr would question you if you don't go. You must do what is best for you and your tiny little baby.

Good Luck!

"Let my criminal ex stay with you for a couple of days, better still come to dubai for xmas and risk imprisonment while he stays in your home alone, nothing dodgy could possibly happen while you are out the country."

OP, protect yourself and your baby from this happening!

Someone buys me a ticket to somewhere I don't want to go with my tiny baby - I say No - I don't need a reason.
Neither do you. Say No to all of it.

Be careful that you don't get pushed into getting married so that you can go on the trip. Your DP will then have a claim on your flat.