AIBU to refuse my ex convict FIL a place to stay?

[Peachypop]

Am I being unreasonable to not want my ex convict father in law stay in my house?

Dp and I live in my 2 bed flat with our 2month old dd. DP's parents moved in 80s to Thailand to pursue business opportunities, it never worked out and my FIL was convicted of defrauding money. My MIL posted bail for him and he fled country and went into hiding for 16 years, occasionally contacting DP. He got back in touch about 18 months ago when he was convicted of possession of drugs on Thailand. He's a 70yr old man and he is soon to be released and deported back to UK. He doesn't have any family over here apart from DP (and another son from a previous relationship that he abandoned when he was a 10 month old). DP has told him that he couldn't help him as he has his own life and family now. However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

My MIL stayed with us when I was 9 months pregnant for 20 days without asking me in the summer and she's an alcoholic who would go out by herself to the pub every day to drink. She was supposed to stay in a hotel but instead she bought DP some suits for his new job. At that time, I was so stressed, working from home 9 months pregnant feeling a bit taken advantage. As a thank you for staying at my place she bought 3 suits for my DP, as if it was him she had to thank for.

Now, MIL is promising FIL that he can stay at my place without a clear plan where he would go after - he will need documents to rent a property that he doesn't have since he's not been in UK for 26years (bank statements, proof of earnings etc), we live in London so to rent a flat near us, she would need to pay at least 1k a month plus bills plus deposit so at least 7k. I'm worried she will back out if it when she finds out how much it would cost and we would be left with housing FIL.

I feel bad about not wanting to take in DP's 70 year old father but my 2 month old is my priority now and I feel like my MIL and FIL are irresponsible and expecting DP and I to sort them out.

You could be arrested for having a relationship and a baby when you aren’t married. That’s enough reason not to go surely?

Please OP - dont go. It is terribly worrying. It’s not as if MIL said “ooh can I treat you to a lovely holiday - where should we fly to, to meet up” s it? You were just handed a fait accompli, to which your answer should be ‘no, sorry that doesn’t suit’.

Don’t go to Dubai - we dont want another Nazanine Radcliffe on our hands - only this time it wouldnt be trumped up charged of spying, they would be detaining you totally legitimately because their laws are pretty clear and you would be breaking them.

Op this is all you need to know about Dubai

▪	In fact, it is illegal to stay in a private room or even in a car, for that matter, with an unrelated member of opposite sex, and this is applicable to Dubai hotel rooms too. This rule is referred to as the ‘Tawajed Clause’.

Do not go

Op, why are you so scared to say no to all of this rubbish? Are you a people pleaser or from an abusive background? What is the worst thing that could happen if you cut these awful people off?

You need to say no to all of this. 'I've decided I'm not going to Dubai' and 'FIL can't stay here, other arrangements will have to be made' (don't justify, argue, discuss or explain). If DP is too weak to stand up for you, stand up for yourself even if it ends up with an argument.

Can we please have some actual proper confirmation of the Dubai thing?

Couples and families from the uk go there all the time and I don’t think the “rules” over Male/female company applies to foreigners...

Sure kissing and cuddling in public, a no-no, but hotels wouldn’t do much business otherwise

I know Egypt /Red Sea is full of Russians and their PAYG “girlfriends”, I imagine it’s the same in Dubai tbh

I've seen in magazines celebrities that go there with their girlfriends or boyfriends. Just to name one - Billie Feiers from Towie went there with both of her children and her fiance.

Amir Khan was recentely pictured there with some girl too!

But you've said you don't want to go. Sounds like you are so cowed by this partner and his domineering mother no matter what people tell you, that you can be arrested for going over there, that you can get in trouble for harbouring this man, you're going to do it anyway because you can't stand up for yourself and your child in the face of your partner and his mother. That's a real pity, but well, only you can do it for yourself.

You haven't answered what happened with your MIL with her overstaying her welcome: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2989239-AMBU-MIL-insists-I-put-my-child-at-nursery-at-6mo?msgid=71213394

There you said "I know I sound like a weak person for not kicking off but I know that I really don't need any stress now and getting into a massive argument and kicking off will only lead to that. So I just try to grin and bare it but when she goes I need to have a chat with him. I know it will sound harsh but I cannot and will not be put in this situation again. Not when I have my dd to look after"

Can't you see you are in exactly the same situation?

OP
With greatest respect- you are not a celeb are you?
Please stand up for yourself and DD. DP is not going to- he doesn't seem to give you any support. He can't say no to his mother and now you are landed with with his dad.
You don't need to be Ms Nice . Say no to the Dubai trip, end of! Tell DP to take his dad if he wants to go. Chances are if you go, and don't get arrested, you will find his dad has moved in while you are away. Then you are landed with invalid insurances and being associated with any new venture he comes up with.
Speak to Border Force - tell them the info you have been given about the "borrowed" passport and the bail skipping. Supply both names if you have them, Let them meet him to discuss it.

@veganlan I think you're right, I am being a pushover, but I have done some thinking and my baby is my priority. I know I can do it on my own but that's not to say the gift of it overwhelms me. But then again 4 week after giving birth, absolutely shattered after many sleepless nights my DP told he was doing depressed about how having a baby was making him lose his identity and bla bla bla and i literally wanted to cry but because I felt bad for him but because how even since meeting him all I've had from him and his family is grief and now a month after giving birth he's trying me that he's feeling depressed.

That's when I started to think, that I am already on my own.

Particularly when he started drinking when I went to bed with dd, he once woke me up in the middle of the night stinking of booze and when I asked him if he was driving he told me he had 2 bottles of wine by himself. When I asked why would he drink by himself mid week he told me he was bored because I went to bed with dd at 9pm. That's despite the fact he went out 5 times that week.

When I write it down like this, I feel like my life is terrible.

Jesus wept. He's a twat.

He has so many red flags it must be like having a parade every day.
Come down with a 'bug' before you leave for Dubai that means you can't fly if you have too. Have a friend come to stay to 'help' since he's too depressed to help. But please start getting a team you ready. Start saving every penny and confide in friends who'll support and help you.

That's when I started to think, that I am already on my own.

You are on your own trying to cope but with a bunch of freeloading creatures trying to cling to you and drag you down. (That's how I picture it anyway.)

It sounds like you will be a lot better off without DP and his vile relatives.

If you continue as you are it will all get worse.

Muster up some strength to get rid of them all, then your life will improve.

You can solve your problems in one step. Kick. Him. OUT!

Your not so 'd' P is really not serving a purpose in your life, is he? He doesn't support you, in fact he actively undermines you. He isn't a help with the baby, he appears to be an active hindrance making you feel guilty for his 'feelings'. He sounds like a lazy, self-centred fecker to me.

If you told him to leave, you would have a quiet, peaceful home for you and DD. No threat of a felon setting up camp in your living room, no MiL arranging your life and commanding that you fly into a potentially dangerous situation with your DD. Your stress about this would be gone.

Think about it.

MIL did come over, she was supposed to stay with us for a few days, then stay in a hotel for 3 nights and then go over to copanhagen. Well... It's been a week and shes been with us and she's made a lot of excuses not to stay away and will end up staying with us for the full 2.5 weeks.

I just read that in your previous thread. So what do you think will happen to the "only two days" for FiL?

Please get these leeches out of your life, including your DP! At the very least keep the convict out of your home and do not go to Dubai.

The thing that worries me in these LTB situations is that if she does that, OP leaves her DD under the protection of her feckless ex and his more feckless parents for 50% of the time. Which shouldn’t be the case.

Don't touch the dodgy dad with a barge pole. He sounds trouble and as your baby's mother it's your main job to protect her and keep her away from potential risk. Not saying the guy would do anything to harm either of you but you don't know him from Adam so why on earth would you allow him in to your home. Like somehow else suggested - if you feel obliged to help him then put him up in a Travelodge for a couple of nights.

It wouldn't be 50% of the time, Jennifer.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/tourist-couple-arrested-dubai-sex-9991157

These were not 'celebrities' and they didnt get special treatment.

Having sex or PDA in the ME is one thing

Staying in a hotel with your SO is unlikely to be an issue for foreigners

I entered Egypt with my baby son and his dad (never married to me) the border guy was older, it never entered his head that we weren’t married, because we had a child together and it just did not compute that we’d be together and not married... so he wrote “married to an Egyptian” on my passport despite never having any proof of this (because there isn’t any). I never needed to sign up for visas, never registered nor renewed. I came and went as I wished for the whole time I was there

I don’t recommend that the op got to Dubai (for billions of reasons) mostly because she won’t get the respect and space she needs and the mil will make things hard for sure.

Stay home and enjoy your baby :)