AIBU to refuse my ex convict FIL a place to stay?

[Peachypop]

Am I being unreasonable to not want my ex convict father in law stay in my house?

Dp and I live in my 2 bed flat with our 2month old dd. DP's parents moved in 80s to Thailand to pursue business opportunities, it never worked out and my FIL was convicted of defrauding money. My MIL posted bail for him and he fled country and went into hiding for 16 years, occasionally contacting DP. He got back in touch about 18 months ago when he was convicted of possession of drugs on Thailand. He's a 70yr old man and he is soon to be released and deported back to UK. He doesn't have any family over here apart from DP (and another son from a previous relationship that he abandoned when he was a 10 month old). DP has told him that he couldn't help him as he has his own life and family now. However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

My MIL stayed with us when I was 9 months pregnant for 20 days without asking me in the summer and she's an alcoholic who would go out by herself to the pub every day to drink. She was supposed to stay in a hotel but instead she bought DP some suits for his new job. At that time, I was so stressed, working from home 9 months pregnant feeling a bit taken advantage. As a thank you for staying at my place she bought 3 suits for my DP, as if it was him she had to thank for.

Now, MIL is promising FIL that he can stay at my place without a clear plan where he would go after - he will need documents to rent a property that he doesn't have since he's not been in UK for 26years (bank statements, proof of earnings etc), we live in London so to rent a flat near us, she would need to pay at least 1k a month plus bills plus deposit so at least 7k. I'm worried she will back out if it when she finds out how much it would cost and we would be left with housing FIL.

I feel bad about not wanting to take in DP's 70 year old father but my 2 month old is my priority now and I feel like my MIL and FIL are irresponsible and expecting DP and I to sort them out.

Absolutely no-one on here thinks you should be going along with these people in any way at all.

I constantly think about how much of a future this relationship has with MIL and FIL like this.
Tell your DP that this is what you think and see if he bucks up his ideas.

Someone who's been done for fraud would have no hesitation in using your address for his own purposes. So that's yet another reason to not let him anywhere near it, never mind inside the door.

Your in-laws are bullies. Stand up to them!

I would report it too, as you do not know what other crimes he is running from.

Am I the only person who wants to ask if it's Gary Glitter 😂😂😂 sorry wrong country, wrong crime, and he's home already. Still they may well be friends!

I jest but my point is serious you know nothing good about him, there's probably a lot more you don't know. Don't have this man near you or your baby. How anyone could put you under that pressure with a newborn is beyond me.

OP, I have only skimmed the thread and will come back later to read in more detail. But. I have a convict father who has on occasion tried to embroil me in his excuse making and help him when he gets into trouble/needs something. I get lots of "oh but he's your father" from people because in most other ways (abuse was behind closed doors as a child) he comes across as a "naice" middle class professional.

There is one answer to protect your sanity and your own precious child.

NO.

"I'm sorry but that won't be possible". You don't have to give a reason to them. You don't have to help them. NO no no no no no. One thing will lead to the next. DO NOT go on this bizarre bloody trip to the middle east.

Do NOT LET serial liars and unreliable people bring stress unnecessarily into your life.

Some people think I am hard and cold for taking a stance like this. But it has been necessary to protect myself and to enable me to build a normal life. It's not my fault that my father lies and steals money and that I grew up in a dysfunctional abusive home. And it's certainly not my DH and DC's fault. I want a normal life thanks.

JUST SAY NO

I'm beginning to think that you need to visit your local police station and/or visit a lawyer to talk through the legal ramifications of all this - whether you can get some sort of legal bar against FIL turning up at your flat (I have no idea about the reality/practicality of this, but bet there's someone here who will). Don't go to Dubai, perhaps install your DM or sister in the second bedroom at the point he's due to turn up?

If I had the emotional energy to do so I would also flag him to Home Office/authorities if he tries to enter the country.

I think a trip to the police or a lawyer is a good idea too.

OP has made the inlaws unmistakably identifiable to quite a lot of people already, if her description of the criminal charges is correct. I don’t think FIL will make it to her doorstep, and MIL may be out of a job soon too.

According to this website emirateswoman.com/know-your-rights-uae-law/
Cohabitation with a significant other (of the opposite sex), without being married, is a serious crime. “If there is an illegitimate relation between [people who are cohabiting] it is considered a crime of voluntary debasement,” says Samia Al Heraki from Bin Haider Advocates & Legal Consultants. Transgressing the cohabitation laws carries a jail sentence of up to three years, followed by deportation, or an immediate deportation. This rule also applies to hotels, although no hotel will likely ask for proof of marriage before a stay. Giving birth outside of wedlock is also illegal in the UAE, and it is not unheard-of for women who have just had a child to be prosecuted, followed by deportation. Marriage may be considered, before a child is born, as it is the act of birth itself that is considered a crime.

It sounds like it might be a bit dodgy going to Dubai with your partner and DC. I wouldn't want to risk it, even if the MIL was a nice person.

OP, don't go to Dubai. It's not worth the risk to you.

Don't worry about being a single mum and you can get support from your HV, etc.

Your DP needs to know it's crunch time. He needs to step up, which he hasn't before. Stay away from your MIL, and don't even bother with FIL. In fact I'd report him, it would likely keep him away from you.

Put your child first, she doesn't need relatives like this.

I’d forgotten about all of the strict rules in Dubai. When my cousin lived there with her husband, she had to show her marriage certificate to the doctor and hospital when she got pregnant before she could receive any midwife/ doc appointments even in a private hospital.

Not sure how the rules translate to tourists.

Definitely don't go to Dubai for Christmas. By the look of those laws you can't risk it. This could be a ploy by your MIL to get your child away from you.

And definitely don't allow your FIL to stay. Don't make excuses, don't say you're sorry it's not possible: just tell your MIL your FIL can't stay with you, and refuse to discuss it.

You can do this. And you'll be glad you did.

I don't understand why you haven't made an appointment at the local police station to have a wee chat about his impending return. I would let them know about the identity theft, that he had skipped the country, etc and that you were worried he would turn up on your door as your MIL has "conveniently" offered him a place to kip at your place.

I can’t insgine there are a lot of people who look back on their life and say

“oh I do regret not letting that ex criminal currently using a false identity into my home and life”

I do think there are people who would look back and say

“I really regret I ever let that criminal still committing identity fraud into my house and life...”

This is a turning point in your life. Go one way, and get entangled into a life of supporting the dodgy activities of a man that you’ve never met. Your baby needs protecting from this family, with a mother who doesn’t give a fuck about you or your wellbeing (see her last visit!), and a man who your partner doesn’t even know, but you both DO know that he lurches from one criminal activity to another, he cons people and uses people, and doesn’t care who he hurts as long as he gets away with it. He’s not ‘done the time’ and is successfully rehabilitated. He’s weazled his way out of it and is still a current criminal due to the identity fraud, so it’s not even accurate to call him an ‘ex crim’. It’s also very important to remember that you are NOT family to him. You are just some girl his sons had a baby with. I’m afraid you’re exactly the type of person he’d be happy to con, and steal from. Let him take over your flat and quite possibly end up moving out and letting them have the flat as you can’t get them to leave.

This is your likely future if you carry on down that road!

Turn the other way, please. You and your baby deserve a proper life where the people around you care for you and want to protect you from bad things happening.

To this woman and her criminal husband, you are prey. You have stuff that they want. And your partner will likely stand by and let them take everything you have. Because he’s used to a life where they do that to people.

Please don’t walk into being their victim.

Thank you all! There's a part in me that wonders whether i'm exaggerating it and he is my DP's elderly father who's has nowhere to go, and it is only 2 days.
But I owe him nothing he is a stranger and i have enough on my plate with a newborn baby. To be fair, o think dp needs to sort it all out without involving me.

Quite right OP but be prepared for your spineless DP not to step up. You may well have to sort it yourself.

And PLEASE dont go away for Christmas - I knew that these countries were strict but had had no reason to look into the various laws. The rules regarding co-habitation outlined by other posters are incredibly alarming - please, please don’t go.

I'm concerned that both with the nursery thing and this FIL moving in, that the reaction of you and your DP wasn't immediately NO WAY, it was "oh well I suppose it might work if X condition was met" Come on! Someone tells you that you have to jump and you immediately say how high These are your in-laws, they've been crappy absent parents to your DP: you owe them nothing, certainly not this blind obedience. Don't go to Dubai, don't send the DC away, don't have him move in. Don't trust that they have your best interests at heart.

Thank you all! There's a part in me that wonders whether i'm exaggerating it and he is my DP's elderly father who's has nowhere to go, and it is only 2 days.

But you don't know it's only for two days. How will you get rid of him once he's in? And if it is only for two days, why can't he spend those two little days in a hotel?

Stick to your guns.

@Peachypop, your DH isn't going to sort it out, because he prefers to hide under a bushel.
Whatever you do, and please listen up, DO NOT go to Dubai for Christmas, it isn't in your best interests. Stay at home with your precious little baby. Nothing good will come of going there, staying with your MIL, at this point in your life.
The laws there, are incredibly strict, and rightly so, but I wouldn't trust your MIL, to abide by them.
The FIL can swivel.
It takes two, to make a relationship work, have a serious word with your DH, lay it on the line if needs be. Just do it Sweet. 💐
You always sound lovely, so I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

IT WON'T BE TWO DAYS

He won't have anywhere to go.
He won't be able to rent anywhere.

Once he is in, and it's been demonstrated that it's possible for him to stay with you and he is there looking all pathetic, then it will be impossible to get him out without a row which will make you look the bad one.

It is SO much easier and less stressful and better for long term relations to just blandly say 'Well no, of course here isn't at all suitable. No room and we've got a baby, poor FIL will never get ANY sleep, no room to decompress after his awful experience. What a great thing it is that MIL has enough money for a b&b/holiday cottage, he will have space and peace while he looks for something more permanent. No, it's not possible even for a night. There's no need anyway, easiest to just go straight to a nice B&B where he can have breakfast and everything...'

It won't be for two days though, it will be just two more days, just a week more, signing in the line next week, sorry that one fell through so back to the drawing board. Keep strong and say no.

Ring the passport office and give his details and that he has a fake passport. Then he won't be able to go to your house anyway!!

'To be fair, o think dp needs to sort it all out without involving me.'

But he won't! Because he's a wuss. That's how you wound up with your MIL there for weeks whilst you were 9 months pregnant. It's how you wound up with your MIL dictating to you how you will spend your child's first Christmas. And it's how your crim FIL will be in your home. For much longer than 2 days. Your spineless partner has already agreed to it!

Get a grip and tell this woman the FIL is not setting foot in there, you're not going to Abu for Christmas.

And tell your partner to grow a pair.

If its "only 2 days" then offer to put him in a cheap hotel for 2 days.

I'm still shocked at the "man in a house, tell her what to do" comment - hes a man in YOUR house and if he wants to remain that way, he had better not tell you what to do! :D