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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse my ex convict FIL a place to stay?

269 replies

Peachypop · 14/11/2017 12:16

Am I being unreasonable to not want my ex convict father in law stay in my house?

Dp and I live in my 2 bed flat with our 2month old dd. DP's parents moved in 80s to Thailand to pursue business opportunities, it never worked out and my FIL was convicted of defrauding money. My MIL posted bail for him and he fled country and went into hiding for 16 years, occasionally contacting DP. He got back in touch about 18 months ago when he was convicted of possession of drugs on Thailand. He's a 70yr old man and he is soon to be released and deported back to UK. He doesn't have any family over here apart from DP (and another son from a previous relationship that he abandoned when he was a 10 month old). DP has told him that he couldn't help him as he has his own life and family now. However my MIL promised him thst he could stay in our flat for a 'couple of days' (that belongs to me) and that DP would find him a 1bed flat to stay that she would pay for (she is working as a teacher in Abu Dhabi).

The thing is, I find it offensive that she would offer up my property to house her convicted husband. I have never met this man, he's not been a father to my DP for the last 16 years and now that he needs help, she is expecting us to bail him. I have a tiny baby to look after and this is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I don't know what kind of illness he could carry coming out if Thai prison (TB etc.)

My MIL stayed with us when I was 9 months pregnant for 20 days without asking me in the summer and she's an alcoholic who would go out by herself to the pub every day to drink. She was supposed to stay in a hotel but instead she bought DP some suits for his new job. At that time, I was so stressed, working from home 9 months pregnant feeling a bit taken advantage. As a thank you for staying at my place she bought 3 suits for my DP, as if it was him she had to thank for.

Now, MIL is promising FIL that he can stay at my place without a clear plan where he would go after - he will need documents to rent a property that he doesn't have since he's not been in UK for 26years (bank statements, proof of earnings etc), we live in London so to rent a flat near us, she would need to pay at least 1k a month plus bills plus deposit so at least 7k. I'm worried she will back out if it when she finds out how much it would cost and we would be left with housing FIL.

I feel bad about not wanting to take in DP's 70 year old father but my 2 month old is my priority now and I feel like my MIL and FIL are irresponsible and expecting DP and I to sort them out.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 14/11/2017 13:06

Peachypop you've posted about your alcoholic MIL and your weak DP before. Your DP is incapable of standing up to her. You need to stand firm but its very likely that the Thai authorities will hand him over to the UK authorities when he is deported.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2017 13:06

MNOverinvestor
Mumsnet at its best. A mine of information.

I’d deffo be doing as MNO advised. No way would I agree to have him in my home. You and your dd are vulnerable. You have no idea what kind of person he is after his incarceration. Do NOT let him stay, please.

WellThisIsShit · 14/11/2017 13:08

You need to step in and fast, as it sounds like everyone else involved have decided that it’s a done deal.

Do not go near this mess, you’ll be pushed into taking responsibility for this man and its WAY harder to ‘make a poor old man homeless’ than it is to refuse to give him a home in the first place.

Do not get swept down this road!

Liminalstate · 14/11/2017 13:12

YANBU. FIL needs to contact Prisoners Abroad prior to his release for them to provide the resettlement service. www.prisonersabroad.org.uk/resettlement They will support him to find accommodation/claim benefits etc. I don't think your MIL is being helpful here-it sounds like her financial situation is precarious and you will end up being responsible for FIL.

Hissy · 14/11/2017 13:13

You contact MIL yourself and tell her that it's NOT going to work at all.

You tell DH that it's not going to happen.

This is a convicted fraudster, who skipped bail for over 15 years, never faced up to what he was convicted of and even then couldn't keep his nose clean.

two words for your H: Hell NO.

VeganIan · 14/11/2017 13:13

So this is the same MIL that insisted you put your baby into nursery at 6 months? How is that argument going?

DullAndOld · 14/11/2017 13:14

The thing is if you take in a criminal/drug addict that you hardly know, you could be putting your child at risk, and SS would see it like that.
What does an old man do in Thailand for 18 years anyway? hmm.

goldinthemtherestars · 14/11/2017 13:15

Listen to everyone here, there is no question, it has to be NO. Stick to your guns, do not be swayed!

expatinscotland · 14/11/2017 13:17

First of all, you tell your DP that that man doesn't set foot in the house, ever, or you're finished.

Then tell your MIL he is not coming to yours. At all. Ever. No '2 days or shit.

And fuck sorting anything for him, contacting charities or the police to find out what happens. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

You need to have some serious words with your so-called 'D'P about boundaries and being a wuss around his mum.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 14/11/2017 13:17

Oh I remember the mil now!!
Tell your dh he is welcome to have fil in a 2 bed flat - so he needs to fuck off and find THEM one!

RaspberryOverload · 14/11/2017 13:22

The thing is if you take in a criminal/drug addict that you hardly know, you could be putting your child at risk, and SS would see it like that.

OP, if you need a get-out clause to reinforce that firm NO I'm sure you're issuing, this is it.

HelenUrth · 14/11/2017 13:33

God no, no way!!! Your home, your rules, your child, your decision.

I'd also ban this cheeky bitch from my home - probably also from my life, but you may not feel ready for this far a step (yet).

Could your life possibly get any better if you said yes?
How would it be disimproved if you said no?

MrsFantastic · 14/11/2017 13:33

I agree with those who said he needs to contact Prisoners Abroad. They are there to help people like him.

There are also other charities in the UK for ex-prisoners and their families.
www.gov.uk/support-for-families-friends-of-prisoners

DancesWithOtters · 14/11/2017 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandLand · 14/11/2017 13:35

Coming back to the UK is a nightmare trying yo find rental places, and that us people with jobs and money saved.
With no money, a guarantor not in the uk and a criminal record, i think he will find it hard to get a rental.

Of course you can be an alcoholic in the UAE. It's expensive, but available.

pastabakewithcheese · 14/11/2017 13:37

Why do you even need to ask...major yanbu

Leeds2 · 14/11/2017 13:40

If it is "only for a couple of days", your MIL can surely pay for him to stay at a B&B or hotel for those two days. The reality is that it will be for a lot, lot longer. Do not get engaged. Tell your DP no, and stick to your guns. DP is free to see his father as much as he likes as long as it isn't at your house.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2017 13:43

'Of course you can be an alcoholic in the UAE. It's expensive, but available.'

Plenty of people also homebrew there. When my dad worked in Saudi, they lived on a compound for Westerners and people homebrewed beer, wine and cider all over the place.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/11/2017 13:50

I should imagine Abu Dhabi has many alcoholics. it's not a dry state like say Sharjah is.

OP say no, sounds like a nightmare in the making.

Billben · 14/11/2017 13:56

But I've heard him talking to MIL on phone yesterday saying 'only if 2 day

I know she is your DP's mother but YOU need to pick up that phone and tell the woman point blank that under no circumstances will you be having FIL staying with you. I wouldn't trust your DP to be strong enough to do it himself to be honest.
And I'm sure you are not naive enough to think that he'd be gone in 2 days anyway.

Handsfull13 · 14/11/2017 13:58

Tell her no and give her a hotel recommendation. I'm pretty sure they tell you to avoid contact with new borns after traveling so he shouldn't even be visiting you let alone pitching up.
Tell your OH you have no issue with him helping his parents but your child comes first and you don't think it's a good idea.
Unfortunately once he is in your home and realises how hard it will be to move out it's likely he won't bother leaving.

Annonymiss123 · 14/11/2017 13:59

Personally I wouldn't even want him knowing where I live - never mind actually have him to stay.

YANBU.

blackteasplease · 14/11/2017 14:05

Say no and keep saying no!

TheMerryWidow1 · 14/11/2017 14:25

its a no from me too, you will be lumbered for the rest of his life and you know it. He has never bothered with his own family why should you have to sort him out now. Stick to your guns and tell hubby to grow a pair and stand up to his mother, this isn't up for discussion.

Angrybird345 · 14/11/2017 14:27

No way.... 2 days will be 2 weeks then 2 months.....

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