To think some people really don’t understand what an introvert is

[Glassfrog]

I was travelling with some colleagues recently and we were talking about socialising outside of work. I remarked that I’m quite introverted, that I prefer to spend time with people one-on-one, and although I enjoy it to a point, I find it tiring and need a lot of time to myself as well. I added that I don’t really enjoy socialising in large groups at all.

One of my colleagues replied that it was fine to only have one or two friends (meaning me). I’ve actually got quite a lot of very close friends! They’re just not friends with each other and I spend time with them individually.

I took it from her comment that she assumes that introverts are loners with no or few friends - is that a very commonly-held view?

I have a lot of very close friends, many of whom I've known for four decades, I love people, I communicate stuff for a living.

But I LOVE being on my own and feel human again when I've had chance to be away from crowds and noise. I love dinners and drinks with close friends rather than large parties with lots of people.

I suppose that makes me an introvert, but really I've never thought about it much until recently, when labels seem to have emerged.

At least Tumblr has an excuse for this rubbish as it is full of young teenagers. But grown adults should know better.

Brasty you absolutely nailed it here.

Is that really the true definition of introverted?
Because like worraliberty, I thought thus was totally normal.
I am as much an extrovert as I am an introvert. I love close friendships. I have lots of close friendships. I am a party animal. I love hung out. I can talk to anyone. I like being at home alone, on my own, I need a lot of downtime. I think this is completely normal. Neither introvert nor extrovert. I thought it was just the standard definition of being normal.

I think this can all be summed up as ‘people apply a very broad and pretty meaningless label to themselves. People are put out when others interpret the implications that broad and meaningless label differently from their own interpretation.’

Which rather suggests that the label, or rather the application of it, is the problem.

I know a few introverts, but they don’t go around telling people that they are because they are, well, introverts.

The one person who does claim to be an introvert is sullen and rude to everyone. She gives true introverts a bad name and uses the excuse of being an introvert as a cover for her f**k you attitude. She also couldn’t care less what people think of her.

I’m neither extrovert nor introvert. I don’t find other people draining, nor do they energise me. I guess I am just boring

Presumably, there are people who avoid being out in groups and prefer to be on their own or with one or two friends; people who love being in a group and dislike being alone- feel bored or isolated; and people who like to mix it up. All normal. Introvert, extrovert and mixed.

The thing is, extroverts have more control over their environment in that they can initiate interaction. Introverts can feel subjected to other people's sociability. They tend to get told to try harder or make an effort to be sociable.

You don’t get told you are rude for greeting people and smiling at them, but you do if you bury your head in a book and avoid eye contact.

Introvert is used as a criticism, whereas extrovert is seen as a positive quality.

Whiskyowl You haven't 'gained' energy though, you've not used what you had in the first place. If I have £100 and go halves with a friend on a £50 lunch, I haven't 'gained' an extra £25, I've spent less of the original £100 that I already had to cover the cost.

Being " quiet", " introverted" (or whatever we choose to call a personality trait shared by millions) is no excuse for not greeting people and showing them you are not hostile. Social rules are taught and learned and in would have done my quiet children no favours in letting them keeping their heads buried in their book or nowadays gaming device.

Generally people respond well to other people they can "read". If you are very low on communication signals it can be disconcerting. Social rituals can help shyer people ime as it gives them a script. Am I the only "introvert" who finds this?

I lean strongly towards introversion on the EI dimension. However, I work best as part of a team I think. I am not hesitant at all in speaking up, or speaking out. This is because I am not shy. I do need time on my own, doing my own thing, to recharge, because I am introverted.

I have suffered badly from anxiety. I do think it is linked to my temperament in fact. I need to live in a way that is a good fit for my temperament. I expect extraverts would experience problems if they did not have that goodness of fit too.

You don’t get told you are rude for greeting people and smiling at them, but you do if you bury your head in a book and avoid eye contact.

Burying your head in a book and avoiding eye contact is rude.

Not if you are seriously cringing away at the thought of actually having to speak out loud to someone and just want to crawl into your own backside to avoid interaction. Or if you get palpitations at the thought of going to a meeting with loads of people or making a presentation or speech.

Being rude isn't the same as being introverted, which isn't necessarily having social anxiety.

You bet extraverts have problems. I have a couple of in laws I've struggled to socialise with. One is dominating the other very needy so dominates that way. I just need to get away from them usually, I have felt myself shrink in their presence.

Of the three of us I'd say I'm by far the most content and they have both suffered badly from intense anxiety at times. The idea that introverts suffer while extraverts does not tally with my experience.

If you look at the big 5 personality traits would not neuroticism rather than extraversion be the one associated with anxiety?

Yes, it is rude.

Nothing about "drawing energy from within" implies that introverts are unable to uphold social contracts or general life duties.

"...cringing away at the thought of actually having to speak out loud to someone and just want to crawl into your own backside" is social anxiety.

Or is it just way down the introverted scale?

It's ruder to latch onto someone who is quiet and not very comfortable in an environment and making a huge fuss, taking by it upon yourself to 'bring them into the discussion/activity/whatever ' despite their protestations of 'im ok here, no it's fine I don't really like karaoke/dancing, etc'

Rude is rude introvert or extrovert.

And you don't get many introverts demanding that an extrovert really must keep quiet and sit down with a nice book.

"And you don't get many introverts demanding that an extrovert really must keep quiet and sit down with a nice book."
No. But you get plenty of people saying that they are introverts posting about what a waste of space other people are, how trivial and mindless their concerns, how shallow their conversation, how banal their interests and what a waste of time it is to talk to them......

Trying to force someone to participate in karaoke gainst their will = rude

Smiling and saying hello = the baseline level of social manners.

Burying head in book and avoiding eye contact = rude

Oh wrong thread sorry.

you get plenty of people saying that they are introverts posting about what a waste of space other people are, how trivial and mindless their concerns, how shallow their conversation, how banal their interests and what a waste of time it is to talk to them...

Yes, the people-they've-labelled-as-extrovert-as-vacuous-village-idiots trope is unbelievably tiresome.

My in laws are good people I hasten to add. We just don't quite mesh and that's fine as everyone is polite and has good intentions.

But extrovert is seen as an admirable trait. So extroverts don’t need to defend themselves.

Introverts tend not to want to bother anyone. Extroverts like other people to join in.

If you leave introverts alone, they rarely give anyone any trouble.

Can I ask what process the introverts on here went through to decide that's what they are?

I'd say I'm broadly introverted as I'm not "good in company." Although my DH disagrees, probably as I'm mostly pleasant to people. I like to be alone A LOT.
As a child I was what was called quiet and shy so it's a fairly lifelong preference.

I had to learn that I need social interaction and to build enough of it into my daily life. Perhaps the same way some people learn they need to just relax and have down time?

Introverted sounds kinder than misanthropic I guess!