To think some people really don’t understand what an introvert is

[Glassfrog]

I was travelling with some colleagues recently and we were talking about socialising outside of work. I remarked that I’m quite introverted, that I prefer to spend time with people one-on-one, and although I enjoy it to a point, I find it tiring and need a lot of time to myself as well. I added that I don’t really enjoy socialising in large groups at all.

One of my colleagues replied that it was fine to only have one or two friends (meaning me). I’ve actually got quite a lot of very close friends! They’re just not friends with each other and I spend time with them individually.

I took it from her comment that she assumes that introverts are loners with no or few friends - is that a very commonly-held view?

Soya - this is the precise problem with people who like a bit of peace and quiet labelling themselves introvert.
There are those who do suffer anxiety at social situations, and with every man and his dog now labelling themselves introvert (to simply describe liking spending time on their own, so most people then, especially parents), the word introvert is losing its meaning.

^^ I agree.

I only have friends from my childhood, the thought of socialising scares the living daylights out of me.Am I introverted or is it a hangover from years of depression?

👀. Sitting quietly in corner watching it all unfold and thoroughly enjoying myself.

There are those who do suffer anxiety at social situations, and with every man and his dog now labelling themselves introvert (to simply describe liking spending time on their own, so most people then, especially parents), the word introvert is losing its meaning.

Whose definition? The Oxford English Dictionary says this:

“introvert

NOUN

1A shy, reticent person.
Example sentencesSynonyms
1.1Psychology A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
Compare with extrovert”

(Oxford English Dictionary)

No mention it being a dysfunction or necessarily causing anxiety. Which suggests introverts can be fully or at least normally functioning members of society. Not that introverts might not experience anxiety due to their introversion but it is not a forgone conclusion or definitive of introversion.

An introvert will often have sleepless nights over future social interactions, be sick with anxiety, suffer from stress related sysmptoms

So might an extrovert. That is the entirely wrong distinction for that kind of diagnosis.

No. It's quite typical for introverts.

Do you have a source to back up the thought that typically inteoverts will suffer from extreme anxiety disorders that cause them to worry about future social interaction that has not yet happened?

I think the post title may correctly apply to you.

Just because a trait may apply to some, doesn't dilute the fact that it often applies to a group of people who identify in a different way. I can only speak from experience, talking to others and reading relatively extensively on the subject (in books not on th web so I don't have a link). All I have encountered suggest to me that highly introverted people (and I accept there is a scale) find social interaction very stressful as opposed to an irritating burden.

And I don't think I mentioned extreme anxiety disorders at all.

You said An introvert will often have sleepless nights over future social interactions, be sick with anxiety, suffer from stress related symptoms

I would call that an anxiety disorder. That has nothing to do with being introverted.

Ok, I wouldn't call that an anxiety disorder.

I’m not anxious about social situations at all. I find them tedious and boring and prefer my own company.

Soya, I think if somebody literally can’t sleep and is throwing up at the thought of socialising (assuming you mean “normal socialising” and not “giving a keynote speech to thousands”), that would meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder.

Not a particularly bad one, admittedly. But I would imagine you could probably get some citalopram out of your GP for it. Most people don't have that kind of response to an upcoming work Christmas do or whatever.

I always thought introversion was being happy with yourself, being able to deal with time alone without feeling lonely and not necessarily enjoying 'forced fun' style activities.

There are a real mix of definitions on here.

I do think introverts do have to learn to 'do' small talk and be engaging at parties etc. It is so key in our world and society. There are some, but few, jobs where introversion is OK. I am introvert but have learnt the importance of making effort with others at social gatherings and through forcing myself have realised I do enjoy it. I previously used the introvert excuse to avoid things before realising that actually it was like anything you aren't very practised in, hard until you've had a few tries and learnt the skills.
Yes, the recharge thing rings true. But that can vary from a few mins to a whole day needed. And even then I can feel bored and searching for an interaction. So maybe I'm not all that introvert... who knows!

I think autism then comes when someone physically can't or struggles to 'make the effort' when they need to. Introversion can be hidden or put aside but when it is something more, it can't. (I'm no doctor so do correct me!)

My dh is pretty introverted, he is more than happy with just his own company for long periods of time and is better working on his own than in the centre of a team. This has never been a problem, at least in his adult life (we met as older teenagers). He never stresses about future social situations, if he thinks he won't enjoy something he just opts out. I'm pretty much the opposite, I get lonely and depressed if I'm on my own too much. However I'm the one that gets stressed about social events, in fact I'm the one that gets stressed full stop.

I really don't think it's helpful to think introvert = stressed outsider, extrovert = happy social butterfly.

Perhaps there is an overlap between a high degree on introversion and anxiety disorders. I'd never thought of it that way as what I have read, and gleaned from speaking to others is that sort of advance reaction is quite typical in someone highly introverted. I have that reaction to a work Christmas do, using your example, but I don't generally suffer from anxiety.

I'm happy to be corrected. I suppose my point was more that often people label introverts as rude, aloof, 'unsociable' (possibly leading to the inspiration of this thread) and that they behave that way because they're not prepared to face up to social situations, which is deems arrogant. I don't believe it to be that simple and have found that I've had to tell myself it's ok not to put myself through the stress of attending an event just so a bunch of people I don't know won't consider me rude.

That's interesting nooka. It's a complicated business this! I certainly feel more 'navel-gazing' coming on for me!

I can personally see how introversion and anxiety are two very separate things. I've always been an introvert - not an 'announcer' of it though, just why?

I find I get mentally wiped out when I'm in very social situations with big groups for long periods (like an all day and night wedding for example). I need a break from people to recharge. I only like to have guests stay for a day and night, no longer or I start to feel all drained, just mentally tired. It's hard for me to be 'on' without time to myself. I certainly wouldn't dread going out or feel sick at the thought of people coming though. I'm perfectly capable of presenting to groups at work and speaking up in public if I need to. I like spending time on my own and prefer to see friends 1-1 or in small groups than large ones. I prefer to work on my own or on the fringes rather than as a big noisy team. That sort of thing. When I've had enough of a situation and I feel the need to get away, I just leave within the bounds of politeness.

When my DS was born I developed post-natal anxiety. It was awful. I didn't want to do anything. I did feel sick at the thought of any social situations. You know that feeling where you tip back a chair on two legs and teeter, just about to fall? I felt that, constantly and every time I received an invite to something it ramped right up.

Introversion is a personality trait. It's just who you are. There's nothing wrong with it (so long as you aren't just using it as an excuse to be a rude twat) it's nothing special, doesn't need extra consideration or labelling really.

Anxiety is a mental health issue which most people need assistance to learn to manage and overcome.

The only real reaction I've had over my introverted side is when I leave somewhere early or when my OH who knows me so well booked me a spa day on my own for my birthday. Several friends were outraged - 'He didn't buy two places? That won't be any fun on your own, you'll be so bored you poor thing, shall we book and come too?'. No! I went on my own and was utter bliss! I had one of the loveliest days ever having a quiet lunch and reading my book uninterrupted between having massages and facials. Perfect.

I would say it’s entirely possible for extroverts to feel social anxiety. They carry on filling the silences though because the silences feel awkward. I often do that, witter on, because I don’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable. It’s pretty annoying.

What a nasty individual, Aquitaine. I’m sure you have lots of friends hmm

I’d love to be Aquitania’s friend. I think she sounds witty and fun.

OP sounds nice too, but a bit hard work. No, people don’t think of self described introverts as having heaps of friends who they see one on one. The comment from your colleague was intended to be supportive.

Some of the other people on this thread. Those with oosts deleted by HQ for nastiness, for example, they don’t sound such great friends.

Can’t people just get on with being themselves without needing to say “I’m the kind of person who...” it’s so boring to talk about what type of person you are.

OP It might be better if you didn't use being introverted as a reason not to go out. It's ok to just say it's not really your thing without using the label.

I used to think I was an introvert. I wasn't, I just lacked confidence and have sensory issues. Now I think I'm a bit of both, perhaps even more extroverted than introverted.

I think CloudPerson may have a point.

Introverts are a marginalised social group who face a lot of prejudice and discrimination

I had a huge GUFFAW at that one. FFS.

-Yours Truly, A not at all anxious or marginalised Introvert, rather wishing anxiously shy extrovert DS would STFU.

Aquitainia you are brilliant .
Thanks for cheering me up.
Agree 100% with what you have said

Introverts are a marginalised social group who face a lot of prejudice and discrimination

Bullhockey of the highest order.

People often comment on how extroverted I am and how I can talk to anyone .

Well yes, I can, but it’s b.oody hard work