To think some people really don’t understand what an introvert is

[Glassfrog]

I was travelling with some colleagues recently and we were talking about socialising outside of work. I remarked that I’m quite introverted, that I prefer to spend time with people one-on-one, and although I enjoy it to a point, I find it tiring and need a lot of time to myself as well. I added that I don’t really enjoy socialising in large groups at all.

One of my colleagues replied that it was fine to only have one or two friends (meaning me). I’ve actually got quite a lot of very close friends! They’re just not friends with each other and I spend time with them individually.

I took it from her comment that she assumes that introverts are loners with no or few friends - is that a very commonly-held view?

I'm another one who can't see why people want to label themselves; it doesn't make you any more interesting. As for getting your energy from yourself, or other people, I find food gives me energy.

There is so much woo bollocks on MN these days, I begin to despair.

At least Tumblr has an excuse for this rubbish as it is full of young teenagers. But grown adults should know better.

I do think OP you are coming across as very ‘us’ vs them. Who says yous colleague was extroverted? Who says you are introverted? There’s no evidence that either are meaningful and useful descriptions of personality.

I do agree that it’s very annoying to have any excuse or say they find social or work situations more difficult. Or just making the effort for people like extended family.

My Dad excuses his selfish behaviour this way, he regularly refuses to come to family gatherings or see us much as he ‘doesnt like big crowds’. Fine when he wants to see rugby... !

Almost everyone finds meetings and presentations excruciating. And small talk. This is more about just bloody well growing up and doing it! Than any special difficulty one set of people find.

I would probably be classed as having more introverted traits however I make the effort with people and work because I’m a grown up and I expect my kids to do the same.

Well there aren't as many "I'm an extrovert but no one understands me" threads

No but interestingly, there are a lot of comments about 'Queen Bee types' and (to me anyway) they often come across as having a dig at outgoing/extroverted people.

.As for getting your energy from yourself, or other people, I find food gives me energy.

Not so controversial. For example, if someone is helpful to you, they expend their energy helping you. You are receipt of their efforts and do not have to expend as much energy on whatever they have helped you with. It does not have to be physical effort either, they could have helped you solve a problem, that, otherwise, you would have expended a lot of mental effort attempting to solve. So we can gain energy from sources other than food.

My Dad excuses his selfish behaviour this way, he regularly refuses to come to family gatherings or see us much as he ‘doesnt like big crowds’. Fine when he wants to see rugby... !

Maybe he knows you don’t have a very high opinion of him....

I don't think it's as simple as introvert/extrovert, and I think those labels are part of the problem, not part of the solution.

I'm introverted in that I'm drained and tired by people who are loud and attention-seeking. I'm introverted in that I know I'm oversensitive and I get anxious about being around people who are tactless and hurtful, and I need bits of time in the day where I'm quiet and by myself. I'm extrovert in that I love performing (where appropriate to my job!) and am totally unfazed by holding a room of several hundred people when speaking - I actually enjoy it in a strange way. I'm also really enthusiastic and I like to get stuff done (I'm really practical).

Basically, these labels just fail with me - and with loads of other people too. I also don't think we need a label of "introvert" to be able to say "No, actually I've had enough now and I'm going home". Boundaries can be put in place without requiring personality types to explain them.

No but interestingly, there are a lot of comments about 'Queen Bee types' and (to me anyway) they often come across as having a dig at outgoing/extroverted people.

It is not a shock that people will complain about being ‘organised’ by someone when they don’t want to be and the person doing the organising has no right to authority over them.

Not so controversial. For example, if someone is helpful to you, they expend their energy helping you. You are receipt of their efforts and do not have to expend as much energy on whatever they have helped you with. It does not have to be physical effort either, they could have helped you solve a problem, that, otherwise, you would have expended a lot of mental effort attempting to solve. So we can gain energy from sources other than food.

This makes no sense. Introverts - who apparently get their 'energy' from being alone and definitely not from interneting with others -hate people helping them solve physical or mental problems?

It is not a shock that people will complain about being ‘organised’ by someone when they don’t want to be and the person doing the organising has no right to authority over them.

Well no, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Often more outgoing people are called 'Queen Bee' types on here, simply because they're popular/busy/chatty and seem to know everyone.

They don't have to be an organiser of people.

Introverts - who apparently get their 'energy' from being alone and definitely not from interneting with others -hate people helping them solve physical or mental problems?

They do because people often offer something that is not real help. In fact it is the opposite. So those introverts do not have to expend energy explaining why advice is not appropriate or a task needs to be done a certain way. Sometimes it really does take less energy to do something yourself!

So what I said does make sense. It is the context that is important.

I often find that ‘help’ is a two edged sword. I have not really found many people to give real help very often. When they do I thank them profusely. Often people want to give ‘emotional support’ which I really don’t need in lieu of actual practical help. I don’t like dwelling on negatives, I have usually thought things through enough. Some people need that and want a ‘sounding board’.

Maybe more reflective types, those who devote time to thinking, find it more difficult to find the type of help they need. If you have done enough thinking it is likely to be practical help you need - which people often don’t want to give.

And if people feel obliged to provide practical help, you are often judged negatively. Whilst people often enjoy discussing problems, I have found. Thankfully I have been able to be pretty self sufficient, so far.

Well, myself and my (nuclear) family has. I don’t underestimate my DH’s input. And I am extending grateful when extended family have been able to help out but as we live away from it is not practical for us not to be pretty self sufficient.

for me it's that being around noise and people make me physically tired emotionally and mentally. I love socialising but I need to do NOTHING the day after.

We do need more awareness of introvertism, as we live in a society that is so preferential towards extrovert behaviour.

I can't be the only one who had school reports or attended parents evenings where we were told that we were too quiet and needed to speak up more in class? (FTR, I did speak when I had something to say, I just didn't shout my mouth off or chat shite all day like some of the others )

How many job adverts, which have NO direct involvement with the public, call for someone with an "outgoing" or "bubbly" (ugh) personality, even though this has absolutely nothing to do with the role they will be undertaking?

Our society holds up extrovert behaviour as the ideal. Yes extrovertism certainly has its place, but so does introvertism. I see this more recent influx of publicity about introverts as only a good thing, it's balancing out this centuries long idea that in order to get ahead in life, being an outgoing person is a must. It isn't.

Nope, I'm with aquitania too

Me too.

I have someone on FB who posts Introvert memes all the fucking time, like it's something special. It seems to have become her main identity.

The navel gazing from introverts is boring and it happens on the internet all the time. Extroverts don't do it.

I prefer to spend time with people one-on-one, and although I enjoy it to a point, I find it tiring and need a lot of time to myself as well. I added that I don’t really enjoy socialising in large groups at all.

You know what? I don't like big groups either. I often feel recharged from being alone and sometimes I feel recharged from being with people. It changes from day to day.

I don't know one person who falls neatly into either category.

I love spending time with close friends, including in groups. I am not keen on groups of people I don't know, but I can do it. I dislike speaking in front of large groups, but can do it. I like time to myself and quietness away from noise. Introvert or extrovert? In reality I could be called both. Because people do not fit into these "special" labels.
I really don't care if some people are more listeners and less talkers, that is fine. And the description "bubbly" is pretty well ridiculed by most intelligent people I know.

My Dad excuses his selfish behaviour this way, he regularly refuses to come to family gatherings or see us much as he ‘doesnt like big crowds’. Fine when he wants to see rugby... !

But these two things are completely different.

Watching a match with a crowd of people you don't have to interact with them. You don't have to wrack your brains about what to say and you don't have to worry that all the attention will suddenly be directed at you waiting for you to respond to a question.

Lots of people don't enjoy family gatherings. I went to one with my in laws two weeks ago. I didn't enjoy it, so what, my DP wanted my support there, so I went.

Reading this I am an introvert I’m pretty sure, I never speak out really in groups. I wish I was more extrovert though.

@Aquitania oh dear, it's not a war.
As an introvert:

1. I see nothing wrong with being an extroverta, I enjoy the company of both introvert and extroverts.

2.I also do not think that I am superior to extroverts (both have their owns strengths)

1. I do not make cartoons-categorically
2. I do seek fulfilment from human relationships because I am a normal person
3. I do not read John green whoever that is.
4. I do not think that I 'am not like other people. I am like other people, I'm like all the other introverts out there (of which there are a lot, you often don't spot introverts because we are just like everyone else barring that we need to take breaks more often).
5. I will confess that I do drink a lot of tea.

OP was merely pointing out the rather annoying and untrue stereotype which you seem to also believe that introverts are not sociable. Introvert like extroverts are sociable, they just do it differently.

If you take such exception to the whole introvert/extrovert thing I would suggest you have some underlying insecurities. Extroversion is generally associated with vivacity and being an exciting and engaging person to be around not to someone being vapid. If you have been told that you are vapid it is not a result of your extroversion.

sashkin i think you might be right. I spend most of my time with a toddler so most of my conversation revolves around fairly inane stuff.

Today's hot topic- why winnie the pooh is good but actual poo isn't.

Actually , I disagree about the one on one friendship thing . It’s not strictly true .

I find socialising in large groups or crowds way easier than socialising with people on an intimate level . I like to get lost in the crowd and not have to communicate beyond small talk and people watching . I like the anonymity I can retain in a crowd or gathering . Conversely , I find close friendships stifling . On the other hand , my sister who is a classic extrovert has dozens of invidual friends who don’t socialise with each other . She lives abroad and when she comes to the UK for a few weeks . She literally has a coffee schedule with individual friends - she’ll have around 3 meetings a day for about five days ! She also has groups of friends but is big on one on one friendships . I struggle with them and always have done . I feel more exposed .

Grace Sounds a topic that most young kids would find hilarious.

Badum - we absolutely do not need more awareness of introvertism - I think introverts have enough attention trained on themselves as it is. The minute I stopped obsessing about myself and turned my attention to other people, the more enjoyable life became.