To think this ‘game’ was really inappropriate and to complain?

[TattiusTeddius]

Went out for a meal with DH today at a chain Italian place. The waiter took our order and then when he was finished said “thanks Lucy” (my name). I was as I had no idea who this guy was or how he knew me. DH asked but I said I honestly haven’t got the foggiest, and he joked about are you sure he isn’t a previous conquest (I had a, how would you say, illustrious sexual history pre-DH). The waiter kept on saying my name whenever he served us drinks and courses and I felt really rude that I didn’t know him back but he obviously knew me.

Anyway at the end of the meal when we were paying the bill, he said “Do you want to know how I know you?”. I said yes, clearly a bit embarrassed. Then he said “I don’t!”. He explained how the staff were playing a ‘game’, if someone walked in the restaurant who one of them knew, another waiter or waitress would serve them using their name constantly to freak them out. It turns out my friend’s sister works in the kitchen so passed my name on to the waiter. I kind of did a “oh ha ha ha” but TBH I was a bit appalled.

AIBU to think that this ‘game’ was really inappropriate? What if my DH had been an abusive man who didn’t see the funny side? Luckily he’s not but this is something that would provoke many partners to lash out. Aside from that, it’s just not very professional to do that to customers. WIBU to complain to a manager? DH thinks I’m over reacting 🙄

Or am I just an old stick in the mud?

I would complain.
If it was an old ex of mine he would have used me as a punching bag for several days, locking me in the house, degraded me, and waited for guy to beat him up for chatting his woman up, and making him hurt me. ( he was a fucked up individual)

Not RTFT.

@tattiiusteddius

Complain. I would. To head office if need be. Very rude and unprofessional and inappropriate behaviour. And incredibly childish.

Awful behaviour.

It's creepy and not funny.

I would have been super uncomfortable too OP. A quiet word with the manager I think....

Creepy and it would really ruin a meal..
Definitely complain.

is every man considered to be an Abuser then ?

Totally unprofessional.

I wouldn't go for the MN classic raging complaint full of emotionally charged langauge, but I would call the manager and say you didn't appreciate this game, it was juvenille and unprofessional. Whilst you and your DP are fine their staff playing a silly game could have consequences for those in abusive relationships.

Definitely complain. I doubt the manager would approve. I'd be really angry, you don't fuck about when people are trying to enjoy food.

Gemini69 Mon 13-Nov-17 20:57:12
is every man considered to be an Abuser then ?

Of course not, but over the course of the day the staff have no idea do they. And it would only need to happen once that the husband is an abuser or wildly jealous (or even the woman is wildly jealous) to cause any number of issues in a relationship. Again the staff do not know.

Not to mention people are paying to enjoy a relaxing meal. Not be made to feel uncomfortable and pay for the privilege at that.

I have a very bad memory and I'd get upset and frustrated trying to think where I knew him from. Meal ruined.

I hadn't thought of the effect on people in abusive relationships...I'm glad that got flagged up.

gemini69 No. Not every male. But abusers are hard to spot because often even close friends and family don't know what's going on. Apart from that, a meal out isn't some kind of entertainment for bored staff. That behaviour (apart from the possible distress caused) demeans professional staff who provide good service. So leave your agenda and don't derail the thread

Not funny, I bet this would piss my dh off, he's not abusive but he'd think the guy was taking the piss, as would I if a girl did it to him. Just weird basically!

They are deliberately trying to freak customers out? I'd complain.

I would have hated this and would definitely complain. I'm all for staff trying to brighten up their monotonous shift but this is unprofessional and disrespectful both to you and your DH.

Frankly, it doesn’t appeal to my sense of humour at all. They’re basically having a laugh at customers’ expense and admitting it!
I have a bit of an anxiety issue going on and something like this would absolutely freak me out and ruin my meal. The thing is, they don’t know who they’re targeting with their “fun” - it could be someone with anxiety, ASD or just out of abusive relationship.
I would plaster it all over social media and Tripadvisor because I’m an especially vindictive bitch.

Apparently you paid for the experience of a really awkward meal as they amused themselves at your expense.

I would also complain.

I am, asking the Question..... are we to assume that a Man is an Abuser before anything else ?

YANBU. I really would not appreciate strangers making a joke at my expense, especially if I was paying them for a service!

An ex boyfriend of mine would have given me shit for days if another man had done this to me
Me too. One of my exes was so jealous he got funny if other men seemed over familiar with me. Something like this would've caused a heap load of angst.

Gemini69 Mon 13-Nov-17 21:28:20
I am, asking the Question..... are we to assume that a Man is an Abuser before anything else ?

No, we are to assume we actually know nothing about a relationship we are not involved in.

Regardless anyway op, of the fact this could have turned out badly, I would not make this the main point of your complaint. Of course mention it, but they might brush it off as it did not happen to you, or at all as far as they know. But the very fact that they have made a game at customers expense, and probably spoiled that meal for countless customers is enough.

You asked that already, Gemini, and your question has already been answered. Get a grip.

A bit 'cancel the cheque', but definitely do complain. These days, it would just freak me out a fucking LOT during the meal, thanks to anxiety & PTSD. After your waiter explained, I'd feel really quite shit that people thought laughing at me was a fun thing.

Back in the days when I was in an abusive relationship (hence the PTSD) I wouldn't have been beaten. But I would have had my phone taken away for a week or so. I'd have to show him all my emails, messages, stay off social media. I'd have to cancel all plans with friends which means these days I don't have really any friends in real life anymore, because they saw me as flaky and always cancelling at the last minute. My life shrank down to nothing other than ever leaving the house except for the school run. Something like this would have made my ex hit the roof.

But yeah, just a bit of harmless fun for the dough ball bearers, right?

I would definitely want to speak to the manager, not to go in and "complain" as such, but more make them aware of how their staff are playing "games" at the expense of their customers. Putting aside the issue of potentially abusive partners, it is an inappropriate game for staff to play, so whilst I wouldn't want them to be disciplined (as it was clearly just ill thought out rather than malicious behaviour) and I'd want the manager to know so they could have a talk with them as to why their behaviour wasn't acceptable.

1. It is designed to make customers uncomfortable - if staff make me feel uncomfortable, I don't go back to the establishment so it's costing them business. Or if I was planning to have a full 3 course meal, drinks, coffee etc if I started to feel creeped out by over familiar staff then I'd just have my main and go ... so that £60+ my partner and I might have spent over the course of an evening would be £20/30 instead and they just lost 50% of my intended spend. I wonder how many other people who have been part of this "game" have decided not to go back or cut their evening short because of how uncomfortable they were made to feel?

2. It's over familiar - I don't go to restaurants to strike up a relationship with the staff. I want them to be polite, take my order, bring me my food and be available if I need them, I don;'t want them to be my new best friend. I have been a waitress so I know it's not the easiest of jobs and I'd never be rude or ignore staff, but I don't want them to be intruding on my meal - which constantly using my name does.

3. It puts the onus on the customer to end the "game" they aren't aware they are playing. Either the customer has to ask the staff how they know their name or they have to sit there feeling horribly rude for not remembering how they know the staff member.

4. I hate people using my name uninvited - I work in retail on the customer service desk so I have no issue if customers ask my name or look for my badge so that they have my name to help with their issue (Eg if they have phoned about a lost bank card and I won't be in the following day, I am more than happy to tell them my name so they can say "I spoke to melj1213 yesterday, she said my card was here") but I hate customers who just come up and then use my name practically as punctuation - it's over familiar and it puts them in a position of "power" - they know my name and can refer to me using it but I don't know their name and can hardly ask for it as it appears rude.

5. It's intrusive - I go out for a meal to enjoy the experience. It is not enjoyable if I am giving my attention to why someone who works there knows me and trying to figure out a polite way to say "Who the hell are you and how do you know my name" rather than enjoying my meal and my companion's company.