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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd respond to your FIL making an unannounced speech at your wedding?

302 replies

quickopinionsplease · 11/11/2017 11:25

As per the title really Smile

So there you are at your wedding breakfast, formal affair, it's speech time.

You all know the running order, you're all a bit nervous because you've been working on your speech.

And then in the middle of it all, FIL stands up to make a speech. You aren't sure what's going on.

He hasn't told you about this, hasn't checked if it's ok or run it past you.

How do you feel about this?

OP posts:
MaroonPencil · 11/11/2017 12:35

I mean FoB not FIB of course

Redglitter · 11/11/2017 12:35

We hadn't asked him to give a speech because it's not traditional for fathers of the groom to give a speech

Aren't things becoming less traditional now though. Brides parents (usually) no longer pay for everything. Mums giving their daughters away etc Just because it's not traditional doesn't mean it shouldn't be done

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/11/2017 12:37

Yes YABU and I bet you made him feel awkward and uncomfortable. I would be honoured that he wanted to speak.

MardAsSnails · 11/11/2017 12:37

My FIL asked if he could. We said yes, and I worried about it from the day he asked til the day of the wedding. He makes everything about him, will not accept that other people know more, gave a long, unfunny speech about how he got us together and the only one laughing was him.

I'd have preferred him springing it on us, to be honest. Saved me from the not unfounded worry

GrumpyOldBag · 11/11/2017 12:42

Sounds as if it was a nice tribute to you both.

Doobigetta · 11/11/2017 12:43

I've got a feeling my FiL is going to do this at our wedding- he has already hinted that he wants to. It shouldn't matter, but we want to keep them to an absolute minimum- a couple of minutes each- and he has a tendency to go on and on and on and on....

I think jumping in without asking because he knew you'd say no is rude, though, however well-intentioned. You shouldn't hijack other people's plans like that under any circumstance.

CakeRattleandRoll · 11/11/2017 12:45

My FIL did this too. Nice speech, no problems. We had a v relaxed wedding though.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 11/11/2017 12:45

I would have been angry.

The fact he planned it and purposefully didn't ask makes him a right dick.

rollingonariver · 11/11/2017 12:46

I think he probably did it as a surprise because he wanted it to be a happy surprise. I have a great relationship with FIL and I think this would make me cry with happiness, honestly I think it’s a lovely thing to do Smile
It’s his sons wedding and he wanted to say something nice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2017 12:46

It sounds as if he made a nice speech. He clearly felt strongly he really wanted to say something and was worried you’d prevent him. He’s fathered your dh for god knows how many years. Get over yourself saying it was rude. Perhaps when you have a child of marriageable you’ll understand.

Witsender · 11/11/2017 12:48

"delayed the running times" 😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2017 12:51

Witsender
😂 yeah. I meant to comment on that one too! Perhaps Op is Elizabeth from the Apprentice.

StaplesCorner · 11/11/2017 12:52

Why didn't he he just ask you, say oh do you mind I'd love to say x y and z.

PrinceMichaelOfMoldavia · 11/11/2017 12:52

Mine did exactly this. We didn’t want him to make a speech as he’d been awkward about a lot of the wedding plans and is legendary in the family for wanting to make everything all about himself. He wrote a five page a4 (yes) speech which was very rambling and self congratulatory and basically leapt up to surprise us all. After about a third of it I got up and said THANKS FOR THAT, DAVE, ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR DAVE EVERYONE and basically shoved him back to his seat.

OldWitch00 · 11/11/2017 12:53

And yet google has 101 ideas and templates for FOG speeches. Seems traditional to me.

Mittens1969 · 11/11/2017 12:53

My FIL wanted the chance to be involved, so we agreed that he would say a prayer for us during the wedding ceremony. I’m so glad we agreed now, as very sadly he died in a car accident 8 months later (back in 2003), so it’s lovely to have his prayer on the wedding video.

I do think your FIL should have asked, though. Having said that, as long as it was a nice speech, I wouldn’t have been upset about it.

TheAntiBoop · 11/11/2017 12:57

I think you need to reflect on why he thought you would say no

We asked the ils if they wanted to do a speech and fil did. Step mil then did a surprise speech which was super awkward but no one died so, shrug

unfortunateevents · 11/11/2017 13:07

"Delayed the running times" - how long did he speak for - an hour?! - no, thought not. I hope you were a bit more relaxed about the rest of the day. It was a wedding, not a military manoeuvre.

SugarPlumLairy · 11/11/2017 13:11

Meh, I'm going to disagree with everyone saying he's right you're wrong🙄.

Weddings are about the Bride and Groom, they are meticulously planned and NO just because mum or dad want something doesn't mean they always get it.

This isn't really about what he said or whether he should have said it.

He thought what HE wanted was more important and admits that's why he didn't ask you first. So that he could have his way on YOUR DAY.

He really wasn't bothered about what YOU wanted in that instance, which is why you feel odd and are wondering if YWBU. You weren't and aren't BU.

I'm glad it was a nice speech, but the attitude, how he went about it, wasn't nice or respectful.

Past behaviours are a great indicator of future behaviours so just make sure important boundaries are clear in future. You don't want to find he gives baby its first icecream or haircut or anything else he WANTS that he thinks you might say no to.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/11/2017 13:12

Good on him. I hate weddings that are run with such precision by the bride because they want the perfect day as they all seem to forget why they are there ii the vows, commitment and the joining of two families.

SilverySurfer · 11/11/2017 13:17

unfortunateevents
"Delayed the running times" - how long did he speak for - an hour?! - no, thought not. I hope you were a bit more relaxed about the rest of the day. It was a wedding, not a military manoeuvre.

Pretty much what I was about to type. I don't see the problem if he gave a nice speech.

idea888 · 11/11/2017 13:17

How is it rude? I say this as a control freak myself, but I think YABU because you seem to be putting the organisation and management of the event over and above enjoying the celebration. Nobody should have been embarrassed or not known what was going on because we've all been to weddings before with the whole range of speeches from spontaneous to carefully planned, boring and embarrassing to sweet and thoughtful. Just think about the kind intentions behind what he said and forget your reaction or it will just spoil your memories of the day.

Efnisien · 11/11/2017 13:22

Do you normally get along with him or are there issues/backstory???

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2017 13:30

He said he didn't ask us about it in case we said no.

Now that's rude.

BuzzKillington · 11/11/2017 13:34

I'd think it rather lovely. Good for him.