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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd respond to your FIL making an unannounced speech at your wedding?

302 replies

quickopinionsplease · 11/11/2017 11:25

As per the title really Smile

So there you are at your wedding breakfast, formal affair, it's speech time.

You all know the running order, you're all a bit nervous because you've been working on your speech.

And then in the middle of it all, FIL stands up to make a speech. You aren't sure what's going on.

He hasn't told you about this, hasn't checked if it's ok or run it past you.

How do you feel about this?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 12/11/2017 22:31

My (lovely) FIL did exactly this. It was a really nice speech but if I’m honest I was a little bit annoyed because it rather took the wind out of my Dad’s sails - he was very VERY nervous and had spent weeks writing his speech, and struggled a little to get it out (but it was LOVELY in the end and I was so proud of him). Whereas FIL spoke publicly as part of his professional life so delivered it with aplomb as if he was making it up on the spot.

I think if my Dad hadn’t struggled I wouldn’t have minded, because it was a very laid-back wedding and it didn’t seem out of place to have him speaking. Just hurt a bit to see my Dad feel second-best. But both DH and I made a big fuss about how great his speech was and he seemed to be okay.

DH was more annoyed than I was, I think, mostly because it’s a habit of his dad’s and he’s seen it so many times!

cheval · 13/11/2017 00:03

So what did he say?? I may never know! I would find with it as long as content was positive.

cheval · 13/11/2017 00:11

Mumofboys. This is just so brilliant. Love it. Wish I’d been there! She sounds like a legend.

Smitff · 13/11/2017 00:25

Mine did, wholly unexpected.

It was the best part of the wedding, and endeared me to him completely. As the years have passed, I’ve come to learn that he is a good, loving and warm man. I’m lucky to have him as my FIL. He’s worth any amount of ‘wedding protocol’.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/11/2017 00:28

When you say unannounced... ? Why did he have to agree it in advance? Is it a huge issue that it wasn't listed in the running order? Confused. I honestly wouldn't have been able to care less Confused

BelleandBeast · 13/11/2017 00:35

How old fashioned, that your parents paid for your wedding!

Did you make a speech or did you sit silent according to etiquette?

I bet you took your husband's name!

Embrace the difference but really, that's three man talking on the most important as of your life. That would really fuck me off.

SocMcDuffin · 13/11/2017 00:44

Its the norm here in Ireland.

My DSis made a speech at her one wedding which was a traditional Irish wedding.

mumisnotmyname · 13/11/2017 00:55

My DM made an unplanned speech an my wedding, she was just divorcing my DF, it was a fairly bitter and unsupportive speech. Happily while people thought it was a grim speech most people thought that it was given by my bitter MIL and I got sympathy from guests. My MIL is both lovely and shy and wouldn't have dreamed of giving a speech like that. Honestly many years on it is the least important part of my wedding as it was all about her and not us.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/11/2017 00:59

Three men talking on the most important day of your life... What does that mean? We have to presume op (and any other females associated with the whole production) weren't actually gagged and could have also spoken if they'd cared to??

BabyDreams2018 · 13/11/2017 01:20

I think both fathers (B&G) gave speeches at our wedding which was "normal" enough for our culture but then one of DH's relatives stood up and gave a speech about DH's parents and their wedding which everyone thought was odd.

BabyDreams2018 · 13/11/2017 01:20

I think both fathers (B&G) gave speeches at our wedding which was "normal" enough for our culture but then one of DH's relatives stood up and gave a speech about DH's parents and their wedding which everyone thought was odd.

BabyDreams2018 · 13/11/2017 01:21

I don't know why my last post posted twice

LineysRum · 13/11/2017 01:41

How long was the speech?

rainbowduck · 13/11/2017 04:05

I would have been delighted if my FIL made a speech. I can't believe you wanted him to ask your permission so that he could get up and say how proud he was on your wedding day. Timing, schming.

No wedding ever works according to the plan because it's a huge crowd of people, and big groups of people rarely follow scripts exactly. Your venue will have been prepared for that, through experience.

(Isn't it tradition to have a sweep stake to see how long speeches go on for? Every wedding I have been to does that).

So, YABU and sound like a bridezilla.

(And your amazement that people are judging your character, on a forum where people ask to be judged is also quite hilarious).

huha · 13/11/2017 05:01

I think what he did was lovely. Let it go.

ferntwist · 13/11/2017 05:29

Unless he said something unforgivable what's the problem? Enjoy your newly-married life! He's your new husband's dad and although he might moan about him occasionally he won't thank you for doing the same.

Offred · 13/11/2017 09:07

I honestly don’t understand why people keep doing weddings to themselves. They are horrendously stressful and miserable 99% of the time IME. People should just file the papers at a registry office with no ceremony IMO...

ferntwist · 13/11/2017 09:10

Rubbish, loads of people say their wedding was the best day of their lives. Ours wasn't perfect but we had a good time with special memories.

Carriecakes80 · 13/11/2017 09:37

I hate everything planned and prepared, makes things feel a bit false...like, why should anyone need to practise what should pretty much come from the heart, your fil sounds like my kinda fil. When it came to my wedding, we had no speech prepared, we had no clue who was going to say anything, we left it up to the family. This was about us getting married and if people wanted to say something to express their happiness about OUR happiness lol, then thats great. I like things to play out natural! :-)
Our main wedding speech was to ask the guests if they had seen our young nephew as he had gone missing, and we found him, reading a book on the toilet! :-D

Angela712 · 13/11/2017 12:56

Yanbu but - it was nice, short and didn't spoil the day. He should have asked in advance but by the same token perhaps you should gave asked him first? If he has no daughters he will never get to make a speech. I think you got away mighty compared to others by the sound of things!

Sunlover91 · 13/11/2017 12:58

My FIL made a short speech at our wedding. We loved it, he basically said "welcome to the family". He's often shy, so a special moment.

Gottagetmoving · 13/11/2017 13:21

Too often People seem to like to ignore the important fact that the wedding day is the bride and grooms day. No one else

In that case, the bride and groom should get married on their own with just the required two witnesses instead of wanting everyone to contribute

Seaninstress · 13/11/2017 21:17

For god sake what did he say? I can’t believe this isn’t an agony aunt computer generated question just to keep Mums net wheels turning.

Nanny0gg · 13/11/2017 21:24

Blimey there's some rude replies on this thread!

Why on earth shouldn't someone take their husband's name if they want to?

I did - it was much nicer than mine!

Crikeyme · 15/11/2017 21:15

My FIL decided to do exactly this, announcing it to my husband as we were about to start the speeches (we'd already been politely told we were running a little late by the wedding planner on the day, and knew our photographers had to leave immediately after the first dance). The speeches went ahead as planned and before my husband could introduce his dad, or even mention it to me, we'd been whisked up to cut the cake and the moment had passed. No idea what he wanted to say, although as I've never known a man more likely to start an argument out absolutely nowhere, I'm kind of glad he didn't get the chance. I heard his side of the family mutter about it being 'a disgrace' that he hadn't been able to speak as I passed on my way to the cake, but had no idea what they were talking about at that point; my husband gave me the update while we cut the cake. Once I found out, I felt obliged to spend far longer chatting with them to placate them (I'd met them once) than I managed to spend with old friends who'd come a long way to spend the day with us.

After the wedding, he sent us a really snotty email complaining that someone else had asked my mum to dance during the first dance (he felt it should have been him, but didn't actually bother to ask her), and that we 'let' the same person buy drinks for our friends, thereby making him look mean (because obviously, we had nothing better to do than police the bar on his behalf that night). Having heard enough of his self-pitying and obstructive opinions over the last 10 years to last a lifetime, I'm profoundly glad that the memories I have of our wedding speeches don't include whatever he'd have said.

By the way, we've bitten our tongues for years, apart from replying to the email that we were really sorry he felt excluded and that if we'd known in advance, we'd have definitely made sure he could give his speech - eventually he stopped speaking not only to us, but to his daughter and her family as well. Apparently we're awful selfish people. Hand on heart, I don't really miss him...

Not a helpful comment, OP, but I had to get it off my chest. It's a day that often has to run to a fairly strict timetable in order to let the venue staff do what they need to, added to which it's the day YOU want, with contributions from the people YOU want to include.