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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd respond to your FIL making an unannounced speech at your wedding?

302 replies

quickopinionsplease · 11/11/2017 11:25

As per the title really Smile

So there you are at your wedding breakfast, formal affair, it's speech time.

You all know the running order, you're all a bit nervous because you've been working on your speech.

And then in the middle of it all, FIL stands up to make a speech. You aren't sure what's going on.

He hasn't told you about this, hasn't checked if it's ok or run it past you.

How do you feel about this?

OP posts:
rackelle · 12/11/2017 17:42

Mine did this, albeit our wedding was very casual not formal at all. We’d said no speeches as DH is not fond of public speaking and DM (gave me away as DD passed away 7 years prior) was the same.
Since we’d specifically said no speeches I was a bit surprised but thankfully (for him just as much as us 😠) it was a short one!

LittleMia · 12/11/2017 17:42

My MIL organised a surprise cake tone taken to the top table after the speeches... it was supposedly for both of us but it was in my dh's football team colours with a footballer on it! It was like a birthday cake for a 7 year old! No idea what it was all about really but I think weddings bring out weird stuff in people and they do odd things (although mostly well intentioned!)

JustJayne1959 · 12/11/2017 17:43

I don’t see a problem with it at all, he was obviously proud of his offspring and wanted to make that known. Can’t believe he wasn’t asked if he wanted to give a speech anyway!

exaltedwombat · 12/11/2017 17:47

What are your options? Get upset because you have LOST CONTROL of the schedule of YOUR wedding? Yeah, have a tantrum, girl!

Gill54 · 12/11/2017 17:50

Depnds what your relationship is, what he said and (to be brutal) whether he was contributing financially!!

Gottagetmoving · 12/11/2017 17:51

Some people like to do things like this as a surprise, with good intention.
I made an unplanned speech at my daughter's wedding.
I am usually her house speaking to a large group of people, but it was such an emotional day, and I was so proud of my daughter, who had planned everything and organised everything herself on a shoestring, even making the whole evening buffet herself, that I just felt I had to tell everyone how much I loved and was proud of her.

Gottagetmoving · 12/11/2017 17:51

Usually nervous!! No idea why auto correct changed that!

GreekGod · 12/11/2017 18:02

Let it go. Its your FIL - your husband's dad who clearly loves him and wants to speak on his sons big day. I don't understand what the problem is - why should he check with you if he can make a speech ? My husbands sister spoke at our wedding which was lovely albeit not planned at all like the other speeches - she spoke about how proud she was of him etc. Very sweet

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 12/11/2017 18:02

It’s happened now. Put it behind you, nothing you can say can change the past.

Alidoll · 12/11/2017 18:06

If he said something nasty then yes, you have a right to be annoyed. If he said something sweet and how proud he was to see his boy marrying a lovely lady then you’re the one with the problem. It’s one day in what hopefully will be a long and happy marriage. Getting upset over something so trivial makes me wonder what would happen if there really was an issue!

Mamabear4180 · 12/11/2017 18:08

I would have thought it was lovely.

pollymere · 12/11/2017 18:13

Father of the bride gets to make a speech. I'd have no issue with any of the main wedding party wishing the new couple well.

Pearlsaringer · 12/11/2017 18:14

To answer your question, I might not have been thrilled about this on the day. It was a bit off to present you with a fait accompli in front of all your guests. However, since the speech was fine, I wouldn't worry about it now. In the grand scheme of things I'm sure your wedding was no less lovely and your FIL enjoyed it all the more.

Maybe manage his expectations regarding his role in future events! Grin

Merida83 · 12/11/2017 18:15

Ok gotta disagree with most folk.

YANBU. I'd of been livid.
Even more so on finding out he deliberately didn't ask incase you said no. How bloody rude and entitled!
If you wanted him to make a speeches you'd of invited him to do so. In not doing so it's clear it was not wanted. And how utterly rude to stand up in the middle of them all and ruin the order and flow. He could of at the very least have waited till the end.

Too often People seem to like to ignore the important fact that the wedding day is the bride and grooms day. No one else. No one else's wants matter. No one else's opinions matter. That ONE day that one event belongs to 2 people only. Pushing wants and agendas is wrong and selfish! Simple as that!

So no YANBU!

TheFaerieQueene · 12/11/2017 18:16

I don’t get the angst. A wedding with your friends and family attending should be a relaxed and happy affair, not a time managed military operation. I’m guessing you didn’t have a live feed to BBC/ITV/Sky that had to fit in with prime time schedules, so it just doesn’t matter. I can’t undestand why some people make such a bloody fuss.

HelloSquirrels · 12/11/2017 18:19

Id be fuming but i dont like my fil and he would say something horrible anyway

BakedBeans47 · 12/11/2017 18:22

Well with my own FIL I’d have died on the spot if he’d done anything spontaneous but in general terms I wouldn’t mind at all. My sister’s FIL did a speech at their wedding it was good actually as our dad is a man of few words!

BakedBeans47 · 12/11/2017 18:23

To explain re my pose I’d have died on the spot because the chances of my FIL doing anything spontaneous are next to nil not because he’d have said anything bad

Trippy4 · 12/11/2017 18:23

My MIL did this , I was surprised but too loved up to care . Thinking about it now it was a bit of an early warning to how she would be through our marriage .

Rubies12345 · 12/11/2017 18:35

I recently saw the bride walked down the aisle by FOB and FOG, different culture though not sure if that's why.

OP you don't say what culture FIL is from? Is he Irish?

Rachie1973 · 12/11/2017 18:42

My then 12 year old son did an unplanned speech, reducing us all to tears.

He told us he'd been worried about his Mum marrying someone else, but he was wrong and he loved SD like a proper Dad and was very happy to have him as part of the family.

No-one expected it, so the video wasn't rolling. Gutted!

asongforthelovers · 12/11/2017 18:44

Wouldn’t bother me.

Psychofortruth · 12/11/2017 18:44

I think if this was the worse thing to happen at your wedding (A message to you and his son of Love) the. You had a pretty good day... try not looking at the negative of the situation i.e late running times but the fact that your FIL is truly enthusiastic about gaining a new daughter....

ravenmum · 12/11/2017 18:46

My ex FIL loves giving speeches so we weren't surprised when he gave one, but there were no particular plans for who was going to give one when. FIL's one was in German so I translated it into English on the spot. Was warm and funny and not embarrassing.

PersephonePitstop · 12/11/2017 18:50

I was pissed off when my FIL did this, DH and I had our first row,as man and wife, hissed behind the wedding cake.

For context, PIL had refused to meet my DPs before the wedding, driving 2 counties past where the wedding was, and where they'd been invited to a meal for both families the evening before, in order to day the night with SIL. They didn't meet my DPs, who'd done loads to help organise the wedding as I lived 300 miles away, until outside the church but then FIL had the audacity to insist on making a speech.